


00's Comedown Machine

by the_ultimateSora



Category: Magic School Bus
Genre: Bisexual Female Character, Consensual Underage Sex, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, F/M, First Time Sex, Gen, High School, Janet is a Terrible Person, Multiple Pairings, Partying, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Ralphie and Phoebe Are Step-Siblings, Sex Talk, Tim Never Had a Canon Last Name, Underage Drinking, more pairings added later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 06:05:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 56,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14868110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_ultimateSora/pseuds/the_ultimateSora
Summary: It's the gang's junior year of high school, and what a year it's going to be. From heated class president campaigns to town rivalries going up a notch to new friends and new enemies to old crushes resurfacing to relationships starting and ending, hilarity is sure to ensue.





	1. Total Sploosh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang's first day of junior year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this fic ended up being a look at the gang's eventful junior year. Maybe it'll go in to their senior year, I don't know yet. We'll see eventually, I suppose. As for the title, it's kind of taken from The Strokes' song "80's Comedown Machine."

_Monday, August 25, 2003_  
_Walkerville High School_  
_Walkerville, Rhode Island_

The west parking lot of Walkerville High was the unofficial "juniors' lot," so the gang parked their vehicles as close to each other as they could. All but Phoebe and Carlos, the former having not showed up yet and the latter having his driving privileges taken away when he was caught sneaking back inside the house after going to a party he wasn't supposed to (as he was grounded for sneaking out to go to _another_ party he wasn't supposed to). Keesha had her Mini's trunk door open so she and Dorothy Ann could sit down, and the guys and Wanda remained standing as they killed time before the ten-minute warning bell.

"First day of junior year!" Carlos said.

Keesha rolled her eyes. "Yes, Carlos, we are aware."

"But we're upperclassmen now! We have _power!_ "

"Power to do what, exactly?" Dorothy Ann asked. "Pick on the poor freshman who are already scared? Or the jaded sophomores who don't care?"

Wanda snorted. "If we pick on anyone, how about that dork riding in on a moped?" When the person on the red and white '82 Honda Passport came closer, she sighed. "Oh, _of course_ it's our own little dork."

"'Little'?" Keesha laughed. "Your head barely comes to her shoulder."

Wanda only shot her a look. Phoebe rode past them and parked in the smaller motorcycle spaces closer to the side doors. Ralphie shook his head. "Ma tells her 'You're getting a vehicle for your birthday so you and Ralphie won't fight over who needs the car.' And what does she pick? The first piece of junk she sees at the Reynolds' garage." He looked at Tim. "Yeah, _thanks_ , man."

Tim shrugged. "Hey, I only helped restore the bike. _Your_ mother bought it."

Ralphie's mother, Suzette, married Phoebe's father, Mark, in early 1997. Since then, the others took to calling Ralphie and Phoebe "the Ternelli Step-Twins," despite the two-month age difference between the two. The Ternelli house was also the designated gang hang out spot.

Ralphie shook his head. "It was bound to happen. Riding a motorbike of some kind is in her blood. Apparently, the first Mrs. T was something of a biker chick when Mr. T met her."

They all looked over at their lanky, lady friend, all but Ralphie and Arnold still in shock that the ungainly Phoebe rode a motorbike with ease. They watched for a moment as she struggled a little bit to get her helmet off, which Ralphie knew would take her a couple of tries. Her helmet was "the classic, open-faced moped style," as Tim put it. She bought two helmets from the Reynolds' garage and custom shop, and her main one Tim customized for her. It was a sparkly red with a blue stripe down the middle. On each side was a silver colored trout for House Tully, the Westeros house Phoebe put herself in. She had to explain her helmet a couple of times to the others before sighing and suggesting (for the billionth time) they just read the _A Song of Ice and Fire_ series. Her goggles Tim called "the Red Barons." They had a old aviator style to them, which Phoebe loved. They were also the least bulky of the goggles she tried, which she also loved.

Arnold took off his messenger bag so he could take his blue letter jacket off. He folded the jacket over his arm and put his messenger bag back on. "I will see you all later. I am going to go say hello to my," he started smiling big, " _girlfriend._ " He and Phoebe had been together since mid-July.

"Oh, don't act like she's your first girlfriend!" Wanda snapped at him. He ignored her and walked away. Wanda shook her head. "Such a sploosh-worthy piece of ass with glorious hair, chiseled abs, and a perfect sense of style, being wasted on a bony hippie dork with a dorky little Pee-Wee Herman bike."

Carlos laughed. "Oh, my God, it does look like Pee-Wee's bike."

"Watch it," Ralphie said to Wanda. "That's my step-sister you're talking about."

"But they're such a mismatch!" Wanda argued.

Keesha held up her hand. "Not that I just _love_ talking about the Perlsteins, but personality-wise, they are perfect together. I think they're the only ones who can put up with each other's nauseating niceness."

Carlos looked over at Arnold and Phoebe, who were sharing a kiss by her Honda. "Hey, Perlstein! Are you checking her tonsils with your tongue?"

Arnold gave him the finger without breaking the kiss as Ralphie smacked him on the back of the head. Phoebe laughed against Arnold's lips, and she slowly pulled back. "Oh, Carlos is just jealous because you actually made a move on me," she said.

Arnold cocked a brow. "I know you two have that close, kind of odd, more-than-platonic-but-not-romantic relationship, but..."

She put her hand on his stomach and slid it across his oxford shirt to his hip. "I prefer my boys over six-feet in height, orange haired, and that wear glasses." Phoebe had stopped growing at five-ten, and she was happy Arnold had grown another three inches more than her, putting him at six-one. Their height difference was perfect to her, but most things about him were perfect to her. "Carlos and I just get one another on some weird level neither of us really understands, and we happen to have no physical attraction to each other. Plus, we're not only good for each other but also _terrible_ for each other."

Arnold understood what she meant. No one else could always cheer her up and bring her to her breaking point within a short time span. After all, Carlos was the reason for the whole "S.A.D.S. incident," as Phoebe never let him forget. While he would never say it to her, he likened her relationship with Carlos to his with Wanda, minus the attraction (which he no longer had to Wanda, but he knew she did to him). Phoebe was the only one Carlos really listened to, just as he was the only one Wanda really listened to.

"So you prefer Jewish gingers to short Hispanics?" he asked.

"Technically Carlos and I are the same height, but..." She winked and kissed his cheek. "Walk me to my locker?"

He handed her his letter jacket. "Only if you take this off my hands," he said. "As my girlfriend, I would hope you would like wearing it."

Phoebe set her helmet down and put her goggles in her backpack before setting it down, too. She put the jacket on. It was a little big for her, which was no surprise. "Now everyone will think I'm Arnold Perlstein."

"That's the plan."

Phoebe laughed and gave him a kiss on the cheek. She picked up her helmet, shouldered her backpack, and they walked hand-in-hand towards the doors. Phoebe took her schedule out from her pocket and looked for her locker number. The "W" next to the number indicated it was in the west wing (which was good, as most of her classes were in the west wing), and she managed to find it. Before she put in the combination, Arnold pointed to the name on the paper.

"You're not 'Peggy Thomson,'" he said.

Phoebe sighed when she noticed the name. "Dang it." She gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You better go to your locker. I'm going to the counselors office."

He nodded. "Good luck."

They shared one more kiss before he went to his locker and she to the counselors office. A tall, thin girl with light brown hair was standing at one of the two receptionists' desks when she walked in.

"I got Phoebe Terese's schedule," the girl said.

"It's actually 'Ter- _ez_ ,'" Phoebe said, as Peggy had pronounced it "Ter- _ees_." She held out the schedule. "I assume this is yours?"

Peggy shot her a hard look before snatching the schedule and shoving Phoebe's against her chest. "I'm going to be late now, no thanks to you."

She rushed out, and Phoebe looked at the receptionist in shock. The receptionist shook her head and scribbled a note. "Here, take this. It'll excuse you for being late."

Phoebe nodded. "Thanks. What about her?"

The receptionist winked. "She's from Eagleton."

Eagleton was the rival town that bordered Walkerville to the west. It was not a friendly rivalry either. The sign on the town border read: **NOW LEAVING WALKERVILLE Come Back Soon!** on the Walkerville side; on the Eagleton side, the sign read: **NOW ENTERING WALKERVILLE Good Luck With That**. The town founding folklore was that the wealthiest and most prominent townsfolk of Walkerville found the smell too unpleasant, so they went west and founded Eagleton. Old Walker Vale was the "old money" neighborhood of Walkerville, but even the Vale paled in comparison to the wealth and luxury Eagletonians lived in.

Phoebe took the note from her and walked out. Unfortunately, Peggy's locker was next to hers. Phoebe knew Ralphie's locker would be on her other side, as "Tennelli" came before "Terese," and their lockers had been side-by-side since sixth grade. Peggy didn't say anything as she got her books. She slammed her locker shut and hurried away. Phoebe got the books she needed, and she hung her helmet inside. After closing her locker, she walked to the science halls to her first period physics class. She smiled when she saw Ralphie at a table, and she hurried to sit next to him.

"I didn't know you had phys--" She stopped when the guy she thought was Ralphie looked at her. "Oh! I'm sorry. I thought you were my brother."

The guy put his hand on his chest. "If I wasn't dating the most brilliant and beautiful girl in New England, I'd be offended you thought I was your brother."

Phoebe looked at him, confused. He was dating Dorothy Ann? Dorothy Ann had a boyfriend _and didn't tell her?_ "Wait...I'm sorry. Who're you dating?"

"Oh, her name's Anna Beth. She lives in Eagleton."

Phoebe nodded, deciding not to let her prejudice for Eagleton show. Plus, she didn't know Anna Beth , but she did know she was _not_ the most brilliant and beautiful girl in New England. Those titles belonged to her beautiful and brilliant Knight of Flowers, her Golden Rose of Tyrell.

"Ricky Thomson," the guy said, holding out his hand for her to shake.

She shook it. "Phoebe Terese."

"Oh! I know your brother, Ralphie. I met him during football camp over the summer. I'm new here. Well, my sister and I are. Just moved from Eagleton."

Ricky was probably as tall as Ralphie, but being closer to him, Phoebe realized he wasn't as burly. Yet, he had a similar athletic build. His light brown hair was unruly, not unlike Ralphie's hair. He even had the same cheeky grin. She liked Ricky, but in a way a girl would like a guy who reminded her of her brother.

 _If you're not Cersei Lannister, that is_ , Phoebe laughed to herself.

"So, Phoebe, you any good at this physics stuff?"

She shrugged. "The only reason I'm here is like all the other juniors: Because I was good enough at seventh grade science so I got to skip eighth grade science."

Ricky laughed. "Yeah, glad I got to skip geology to take intro chem and physics in eighth grade."

"Don't let my boyfriend hear you say that. He loves geology."

Ricky pointed to her jacket. "Ah, yeah, I take it you're dating Arnold Perlstein?"

"Did the 'Arnold Matthew' printed on the front and 'Perlstein' on the back give it away?"

"Something like that."

By the end of class, Phoebe somehow made friends with Ricky Thomson. She wasn't sure how, as she rarely made friends outside of the gang. Lunch rolled around during fourth period, and by a stroke of pure luck, the eight had the same lunch schedule. Phoebe found her friends all sitting together, and she took the empty seat between Arnold and D.A. There was a folded paper sitting on the table in front of the seat that read in D.A.'s perfect handwriting:

PHOEBE MARGOT TERESE'S SEAT  
(SERIOUSLY, WANDA, NOT FOR YOUR ASS)

Arnold gave Phoebe a kiss on the cheek when she sat. "How did it go in the office this morning?"

"Let's just say Peggy Thomson is not a patient person."

Keesha shook her head. "Peggy Thomson is...well, how can I say this delicately?" She took a bite of her sandwich, chewed, and swallowed. "She's a bitch. I have second period with her, and everything about her just screams 'Eagleton.'"

"Her twin brother, Ricky, is quite handsome and nice, though," D.A. said.

Wanda nodded. "Total sploosh."

"Yeah," Keesha said, "gotta give him a sploosh."

Ralphie grimaced. "Ugh, that guy makes me want to puke."

Phoebe raised her brows. "Why? He struck me as a nice fellow."

"Everyone is nice to you, Pheebs," Ralphie said. "Well, _except_..."

Everyone followed his gaze to the table where some of the varsity cheerleaders were sitting, and they all knew he was looking specifically at Janet.

"Phoebe's Newman," Carlos said.

"I think she's more my Sue Ellen Mischke," Phoebe said.

Carlos nodded. "Sue Ellen Mischke with Newman's pure evilness."

Dorothy Ann shook her head. "Okay, it's kind of weird hearing my mother's name twice now."

"We're talking about _another_ tv character with your mom's name," Carlos said. " _Duh._ "

D.A. rolled her eyes but decided to distract herself with the forms she needed to fill out to run for class president (again). She had been class president since the eighth grade, so she knew the drill when it came to running. The gang would be her campaign team again: Arnold would be her campaign manager, Wanda and Keesha her "Image Consultants," Ralphie and Carlos her "security," Tim would help make the campaign posters and help write her speeches, and Phoebe would be the moral support.

Phoebe let out a squeal and clapped when she saw D.A.'s papers. "Can we make campaign t-shirts again? I'll make sure to proofread them."

"Jesus Christ!" Ralphie said. "How many times I gotta say I'm sorry for that typo?"

"More like a Freudian slip," Phoebe said. "'Vote Dorothy Ann: She's the Tits!'"

"It was supposed to be ' _Tops_ '!"

Wanda gently elbowed D.A. "Well, she _is_ the tits. Look at how big these suckers are!"

"That's the big titted pot calling the kettle top heavy," Keesha said, laughing.

"At least I have 'em," Wanda said. "Unlike _some_ lanky, freckled flatties at this table."

Phoebe felt her face warm, and she closed Arnold's jacket tighter around her. Arnold and D.A. both shot her a look and said, " _Enough_."

Lunch ended sooner then they would have liked, and Arnold walked Phoebe back to her fourth period class, since his wasn't too far. They stopped outside of her classroom, and he took her hand. "Listen, I know the idea of this makes you nervous, but your presence has been requested by my parents."

Phoebe's stomach tightened. "Oh, no. No, no, I'm not ready to formally meet your parents. Can't we just continue with you hanging out all the time at Casa de Ternelli? Suzette loves you, and Daddy...well, Daddy's still getting used to, well, you."

"I can try to stall them some more, but my mother will find a way to meet you."

She sighed. " _Fine._ Just give me the when and where."

"This Friday evening. The Old Walker Vale Country and Yacht Club."

" _What?_ I don't have anything fancy enough to wear in a place like the Vale!"

Arnold shrugged. "I like that mint green cocktail dress you have. I have the _perfect_ oxford and cardigan pairing I can wear that'll match your dress without being _too_ matchy-matchy."

That made Phoebe smile. "Have I told you lately that I adore how fancy you are?"

Arnold took her hand and kissed her fingers. "I'm your Fancy Boy, Miss Terese. Always looking pretty and well groomed so you have the perfect arm ornament."

"My fancy, pretty, preppy nerd boy." She kissed his cheek. "Get to class before Carlos asks you any inappropriate questions as to why you're late."

"Yes, my Lady Tully."

Phoebe started walking towards the classroom door, but she stopped to say, "Remind me to bring you my copy of _A Game of Thrones_ because you _will_ read my favorite fantasy series, and you _will_ love it, my direwolf of Winterfell."

He did a fancy bow. "As you wish."

She put her hand on her forehead. "Oh, now he's quoting _The Princess Bride_. I'm going now before you make me late, despite being a foot away from the door."

* * *

Arnold sat in the breakfast nook of his quiet house as he finished his homework. The quiet could be too much as times, and part of him wished he took the Ternelli step-twins up on their offer to go home with them. His dad wouldn't be home from work until after six, and his mother would be home around five, after spending her day shopping and having drinks at the country club and meeting with her social clubs. The only light on in the kitchen and breakfast nook was the nook light above him, so he noticed the headlights right away through the window above the sink. He turned and looked out the back door's window to see Jean Perlstein's Mercedes stop in front of the closed garage door. He went back to his homework, and he heard her walk in moments later.

"Hello, son." She turned on the kitchen light, which made Arnold's eyes hurt for a moment. "Have you eaten?"

"I had some pizza rolls, two Hot Pockets, and I brought home a Wendy's salad and Frosty." He got up and took a seat on one of the island counter stools as Jean poured herself a glass of wine. "Hey, Mom, remember when you asked about meeting Phoebe?"

"Like it was yesterday."

"It was this morning." He cleared his throat. "Well, she's available Friday evening, so we can meet you and Dad for dinner at the country club."

"This is the one that's Suzette Tennelli's step-daughter, correct?"

Arnold knew Dr. Tennelli still went by "Tennelli" professionally (something about it being, in her words, "a pain in my ass" to change her name with the state of Rhode Island medical board), though she didn't mind when people called her "Mrs. Terese."

"Yeah, she's Suzette Tennelli-Terese's step-daughter."

"And she's nothing like her oaf step-brother you call a 'best friend'?"

 _Aside from her intense love of baseball, football, fantasy, and sci-fi, the latter two being the reason she and Ralphie spent this past summer translating_ The Fellowship of the Ring _in to Klingon? Oh, and not to mention that time in junior high they nearly set fire to their garage when trying to make their own lightsabers, or how they both tend to turn violent during a game of_ Dungeons & Dragons _. Nah, she's nothing like Ralphie_.

"She and Ralphie are just as alike as Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia."

Jean narrowed her eyes. "I don't know who that is, and I don't care to find out." She took a drink of her wine. "This is the girl Janet doesn't like, correct?"

"Janet doesn't like any of my friends."

"She likes Wanda. Say, why didn't you ever date Wanda? You used to like her so much."

He took a deep breath. "Can we not talk about that or Wanda? I have a girlfriend who I care about very much and that means a lot to me. It would mean even more to me if you and Dad gave her a chance and liked her. She's-- Phoebe is the best girl I've ever dated. She's so nice and selfless and funny and smart; she's everything I'd hope parents would want in the girl their son is dating."

Jean put her hand on his cheek before gently tugging on his curls. "Oh, my sweet, naive boy, just know that I'll know if this girl is only using you for our money."

Arnold laughed. "I highly doubt it. I've known Phoebe since we were eight, and our family wealth is the only thing about me she isn't crazy about." He stopped before he blurted out, _Well, that and being related to Janet_. "You'll like her." He got up and picked up his books and papers from the table. "I'm going to finish this upstairs."

He went up to his room and dropped his stuff on his neatly made bed. He sat down on the floor, leaning back on his bed, and he took out his phone. He scrolled down his contacts until he got to "PRINCESS LEIA TULLY," and he pressed "dial."

After a couple of rings, she answered, "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Would it seem weird or clingy if I said I just wanted to hear your voice?"

She laughed. "Remember who you're talking to."

He smiled. "You're not weird or clingy."

"I'm odd."

" _Different_."

"Which is a nicer way of saying 'odd' and 'weird.'"

"Okay, well if you're weird, then I'm-- what's another word for 'fancy nerd boy with obsessive-compulsive tendencies'?"

"Hm...eccentric?"

"Meh, I'll take it."

Phoebe was quiet for a moment before she sighed. "So, Suzette said she's going to take me shopping for a new dress for our dinner with your parents. I tried to refuse, but Suzette Tennelli-Terese doth not make it easy."

Arnold smiled. "You'll let me know what color the new dress will be?"

She laughed. "So we can match without being _too_ matchy-matchy?"

"It's like you can read my mind."

He heard a slight hiccup in the sound, and Phoebe said, "Oh, Arnold, Ricky Thomson's calling me. We're physics partners, so I know he's calling about our homework."

"Well, better than being biology partners, I suppose."

"I already have a biology partner, remember?"

He chuckled. "Miss Terese, you dirty little trout."

"Good night, my direwolf of Winterfell."

"Good night, my trout of-- of, uh..."

" _Riverrun_ ," she whispered.

"Yeah, Riverrun."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eagleton is taken from _Parks and Recreation_. It was the former neighboring town to Pawnee. From the Parks wiki: "According to Leslie Knope, Eagleton is 'the land of rich, snobby jerks.' It has a very negative reputation among most Pawneeans, and vice versa."
> 
>  _Those titles belonged to her beautiful and brilliant Knight of Flowers, her Golden Rose of Tyrell.  
>  If you're not Cersei Lannister, that is, Phoebe laughed to herself._  
> \- _A Song of Ice and Fire_ , of course. Once again, I've made Phoebe a fangirl.
> 
>  _"Her twin brother, Ricky, is quite handsome, though," D.A. said.  
>  Wanda nodded. "Total sploosh."  
> Yeah," Keesha said, "gotta give him a sploosh."_ \- Taken from _Archer_.
> 
>  _"Phoebe's Newman," Carlos said.  
>  "I think she's more my Sue Ellen Mischke," Phoebe said.  
> Carlos nodded. "Sue Ellen Mischke with Newman's pure evilness."_ \- Phoebe and Carlos are _Seinfeld_ fans.
> 
>  _"Hey, Mom, remember when you asked about meeting Phoebe?"  
>  "Like it was yesterday."  
> "It was this morning."_ \- Taken from _Arrested Development_
> 
>  _...the latter two being the reason she and Ralphie spent this past summer translating The Fellowship of the Ring in to Klingon?_ \- Reference to Comic Book Guy on _The Simpsons_.
> 
> _"I don't know who that is, and I don't care to find out." _\- Also taken from _Arrested Development_.__


	2. Smells Like Rainbows and Unicorn Farts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janet hates D.A.'s campaign posters.

The guys arrived to the west parking lot the next morning before the girls did. The soft top of Ralphie's Jeep Wrangler was off, so Ralphie had the radio on as he, Tim, and Carlos leaned on the Jeep and Arnold looked at his phone.

"Note to self," Arnold said, typing in his phone, "take suits to tailor and dress shoes to shoemaker."

Tim crinkled his nose. "You have a shoemaker?"

Arnold looked up from his phone, his brows slightly raised. "Do you _not_?"

Carlos waved his hands. "Surprise, surprise, Perlstein does rich dick stuff. Let's get to the real shit before the ladies grace us with their wonderful selves."

Ralphie shook his head. "And what would the 'real shit' be, Carlos?"

"Babe prospects for the year!" Carlos waved off Arnold. "Perlstein's set with his steady gig boning your sister, bro." Tim grabbed Ralphie by his letter jacket to keep him in place so he wouldn't punch Carlos. "The three of us need to find us some babes to enjoy our weekends with!"

Tim held up his hand. "I thank you for thinking of other people's dicks and not just your own, but _please_...stop thinking about my dick."

"Yeah, man," Ralphie said. "It's kind of weird." 

Arnold pocketed his phone and punched Carlos hard on the upper arm. "And don't ever bring Phoebe in to these conversations. Also, just to note, we haven't had sex yet."

Ralphie pointed a hard finger at him. "You better not, bro!"

"Phoebe is her own woman," Arnold said. "We both know she'll never let you or anyone dictate what she can or can't do with her own body."

Tim nodded. "He's got you there, man."

Ralphie relaxed a little. "I know that. Phoebe would kick my ass if I tried telling her what to do." His eye tingled a bit, remembering the last black eye he had. "She's done it before."

Carlos laughed. "Oh man, I love that our sweet, little, lanky Phoebe can easily beat you up."

Phoebe was five-ten and a lanky hundred and twenty-ish pounds. Ralphie was six-three (and still growing) and a burly, solid two-hundred-something pounds. One would think Ralphie could easily throw Phoebe around like a rag doll, but she'd never give him the chance to.

"Hey, if she can hold her own in a fight with me, think of the damage she'd do to you, man," Ralphie said. "She is _freakishly_ strong. Remember," he lowered his voice, "this is a girl who dragged a busigator to warmth _on her own_ and easily moved in high gravity."

The guys nodded, remembering third grade. They had also all been witnesses at one point or another to a violent Ternelli fight. The fights usually started over something small or stupid, such as who was going to drink the last Hi-C or have the last Mallowblaster, but they always ended with both Ternellis bruised and bleeding, either from fists or heads being slammed against the wall or floor or banister. Once in junior high, the gang was witness to a fight that sent both Ralphie and Phoebe down the stairs. Ralphie cracked his wrist and dislocated his shoulder, and Phoebe broke her arm and nose, which was now a little crooked.

"Speak of that freckled little devil," Ralphie said.

The guys turned to see Phoebe on her Honda riding in behind Keesha's Mini. Dorothy Ann's Volkswagen Golf wasn't far behind, nor was Wanda's black Range Rover. If not for the fact Wanda's father owned "the third largest auto complex in all of Southern New England!" (as his commercials said), she probably would not be the owner of a Range Rover. Randy Li's car dealerships didn't sell new Land Rovers, but he had a few used ones on his lots, one those becoming Wanda's sixteenth birthday present that past April.

Ralphie's Jeep was parked between Arnold's Porsche 911 (a sixteenth birthday present from one set of his wealthy grandparents) and Tim's Volkswagen Jetta (which was in the process of customization, his father's auto garage and custom shop being Tim's means of working on his car) along the curb of the sidewalk, so the girls, sans Phoebe, parked in the three free spots across from the boys. Phoebe parked in a motorcycle space, and after taking off her helmet and goggles, she joined the other's at Ralphie's vehicle.

"Hey, Pheebs," Keesha said, "think you can introduce me to Ricky Thomson? Or get me his number?"

Phoebe shook her head. "Bad news, Keesha: He has a girlfriend."

"Who?"

Phoebe pursed her lips slightly before she said, "Some girl in Eagleton named Anna Beth, who he claimed to be 'the most beautiful and brilliant girl in New England,' which is a lie because," she reached out and took D.A.'s hand, "we all know that Dorothy Ann is the most beautiful and brilliant girl in all of New England-- no! The _universe_."

D.A. smiled. "Aw! Thanks, Phoebe.

Arnold nodded. "Yep, D.A. and Tom Brady: The two people Phoebe would instantly drop me for."

"My Golden Rose of Tyrell and I could never be, sadly, as she is quite straight," Phoebe said. "And Tom Brady...he's too much of a god. He'd never give me a second glance."

Arnold smiled at the others. "Hear that? _I'm_ Phoebe's third best option!"

D.A. smirked. "I'm still number one."

* * *

Dorothy Ann and Arnold went to the school's art studio when classes let out at the end of the day to meet with Tim. He had a few campaign t-shirt design ideas, and D.A. wanted her campaign manager to see them, too. They found Tim at one of the heavily paint stained tables in the art studio, still drawing in his sketchbook.

"We're here," D.A. said to Tim.

"Excellent." He took out a folder from his backpack, and he opened it. "These are the shirt ideas. I drew them out and scanned them on to the computer. Did some cleaning and coloring in Photoshop."

D.A. and Arnold looked through them, and she stopped at her instant favorite. He had drawn Dorothy Ann in the style of a comic book superhero. She was dressed as Supergirl, her fists on her hips. Above SuperDorothyAnn, it read:

DOROTHY ANN EWING  
FOR JUNIOR CLASS PRESIDENT

And below:

TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE WALKERVILLE HIGH WAY!  
WILDCATS OF '05

"This one," D.A. said. "I want this one."

Tim nodded. "Great. My mom is friends with the lady that owns the t-shirt printing shop. She can get us a good deal."

"If you can do that, that would be _excellent_ ," D.A. said. "Don't worry about the posters, by the way. Wanda and Keesha are going to paint some for me. As my image consultants, they assured me they would make good posters. I trust Keesha enough to have said 'yes.'"

Arnold patted her shoulder. "Don't worry, I'll look the posters over before they hang them up." He looked at his Rolex. "Okay, well, I have swim practice soon, so I'll see you guys later."

Tim and D.A. said bye to him, and D.A. put her hand on Tim's arm. "Thank you so much for the designs and getting the shirts. I appreciate it, and now, I have to get to tennis practice."

"Any time, D.A. Yeah, I got an art project to work on. Later. Oh! Hang on." D.A. stopped and turned to face him. "Did you hear Janet's running?"

" _Janet?_ "

Tim nodded. "Might need to play a little dirty this year. Janet is a mean person."

"Come on, Tim. You can do better than that."

"She's a grade-a bitch."

D.A. nodded. "There we go. Does she have any weaknesses?" Janet and Tim had _briefly_ dated sophomore year and off and on over the summer.

Tim furrowed his brow and shook his head. "No."

"What do you mean 'no'? Everybody has a weakness."

"Not machines." He sighed. "I honestly believe that Janet was programmed by someone from the future to come back and destroy all happiness."

Dorothy Ann often wondered how such a genuine guy like Tim ever got involved with the likes of Janet Perlstein, but she knew Janet was manipulative enough to get what she wanted, and at the time, she wanted Tim. Poor guy didn't stand a chance. D.A. often heard Ralphie and Carlos say they found Janet hot, but at the same time, they were too scared of her to ever try anything. How Tim managed to get away from her was beyond anyone, but then again, he was a stronger guy than was assumed.

After all, Tim was the one who dumped Janet.

* * *

VOTE JANET PERLSTEIN FOR JUNIOR CLASS PRESIDENT  
RICH - PRETTY - THIN  
(DOROTHY ANN EWING'S NOT EVEN THAT HOT)

Dorothy Ann and Keesha looked up at Janet's poster early the next morning. The ten minute warning bell wouldn't ring for another forty-five minutes, but the halls weren't empty, as kids were putting up their campaign posters. Janet's was one of the larger ones, hung above the lockers in the main hall of the west wing. It was in the neat, pretty style of the cheerleaders' posters made for football games, declaring for the Wildcats to "BURY THE BEARS!" or "PUT DOWN THE PANTHERS!" or "ELIMINATE EAGLETON!" (the last one wasn't really for team spirit).

"Worry not," Keesha said. "Wanda's making a last minute addition to the poster we planned to hang here by Janet's."

A few moments later, Wanda joined them with the new poster. D.A. read over it and gave her approval. One of the male teachers had to hang it up, since a ladder was used, and after it was hung, the three girls stood back and looked at the poster with pride.

DOROTHY ANN EWING  
FOR JUNIOR CLASS PRESIDENT  
(I WON'T LEAVE FOR TWO MONTHS AND COME  
BACK WITH A NEW NOSE LIKE JANET DID)

* * *

"You fake-tanned _bitch!_ "

The gang looked away from their lunches and conversation when they heard the familiar tones of Janet Perlstein's voice coming towards their table. Dorothy Ann held her hand up to the others, signaling for them to wait before responding, just to see what else Janet would say. Instead of continuing her yelling at D.A., she turned to Tim and held herself higher.

"Well, it's good to see you, Tim," she said.

Tim nodded. "You've aged horribly in the last year."

She arched her brows. "You _son of a bitch_."

Tim sighed and set his sandwich down. "That didn't take long."

It was then Janet seemed to remember who she was at the table to see. She turned to D.A., fighting the temptation to yell at Tim, too. "I do _not_ have a new nose!"

Arnold laughed. "Yes, you do! We once shared the distinct Rosen family nose, but now," he put his finger on his nose, "I'm the only one of us two to have it."

"Shut up, _Arnold!_ " she snapped. She turned her attention to D.A. "Change the poster!"

"Change yours," D.A. said.

"Like hell I will."

D.A. crossed her arms. "Then I won't change mine."

Keesha waved her off. "Off you go, Janet."

"Yeah, you're stinking up our space with your cheap ass knock-off perfume," Wanda said.

"I do _not_ wear knock-off perfumes! I'll have you know I am wearing Dolce and Gabbana!"

Arnold shook his head. "Again, no. Aunt Gayle cut your allowance in half and revoked access to your trust fund. Remember?"

Janet's mother, Gayle, was Jean Perlstein's identical twin sister. Despite being physically identical, the two were nearly opposite in personality. Jean and Janet were more like mother and child, with their love of looking down on those they deemed "beneath" them, while Arnold was more like Gayle, who was a nurse because she wanted to do all she could to help others. Arnold and Janet's fathers were brothers, Arnold's father, Stephen, being the younger. Even though the Perlstein brothers weren't twins, their personalities were more similar to each other, though the elder brother, Everett, had no problem spoiling Janet while Stephen wanted Arnold to learn the value of hard work.

"I said, _shut up, Arnold!_ "

He waved his hand by his neck, as to fan the scent of his cologne towards her. "This is a real designer cologne because I'm a good boy who listens to his parents and doesn't splurge his money, opting for a nice thing every so often."

Janet's face went red, but the look in her icy blue eyes showed it was in anger, not embarrassment. "Well, at least _I'm_ not slumming it with some skinny closeted lesbian who smells like moth balls and dirt!"

That sent Carlos to his feet. " _Hey!_ Phoebe Terese smells like rainbows and unicorn farts...which smell like strawberries and honey! Don't talk shit about Phoebe!"

Keesha nodded. "And she's not gay; she just has big hands. Though, she may be bisexual."

Phoebe shrugged and nodded. "It's a possibility. Can't argue that."

Janet backed away, her face still red in anger, and she waved her hands over them. "All of you... _assholes_." She flashed them her middle fingers before turning on her heel and walking away.

Keesha looked at Carlos as he sat down. "Unicorn farts?"

He shrugged. "Just popped in my head."

They all turned when they heard an unfamiliar voice say, "Hey, Phoebe." Ricky Thomson walked over to their table, folder in hand. "Do you happen to have that in-class worksheet we worked on. I wanted to compare notes again."

She nodded. "Yep. Hang on. I'll get it." She reached for her backpack and opened it, taking her physics folder out.

Carlos nodded to Ricky. "'Sup, Eagleton."

Ricky gave him a little wave as he sat down on the seat behind Phoebe. She turned and handed him the sheet. "Like I said this morning, I wouldn't trust my answers."

He smiled. "We had a lot of the right ideas."

Arnold cleared his throat quite loudly as he turned around. Phoebe took his hand. "Oh! Ricky, this is my boyfriend, Arnold."

Ricky smiled at him for a quick moment before looking back at the worksheets. "Hey, man. Heard a lot about you from my lab partner here."

"All good, I hope."

Ricky chuckled. "From the way she talks, I'd swear you were a dinosaur fighting Superman."

Arnold winked at Phoebe. "Something like that."

Ricky finished reading over the sheet, and he handed Phoebe hers. "Look, my and my sister's birthday is this weekend, and we're having a party. I'd love for you and your friends to come. Peggy and I are still trying to make friends here, so having some Walkerville kids there with my Eagleton friends would be great."

Phoebe nodded. "I know I'm available, and I'm betting these guys are, too."

Keesha raised her hand. " _I'm_ available, Ricky." She winked at him.

Wanda also winked. "I'm _more_ available."

"He knows. I'm sure he's read the boys' room wall by now," Tim said.

Keesha laughed. " _Burn!_ " She and Tim high-fived.

Ricky smiled at Phoebe. "Your friends remind me of my old gang." He got up. "Next Saturday. I'll give you more details later."

Once he was out of earshot, Ralphie said, "Ugh, he's such a fake _douche_."

Arnold and Phoebe turned back around to face the rest of the gang. Phoebe rolled her eyes. "He's sincerely nice, Ralphie. Give him a chance."

He shook his head. "I've known him since the summer. He likes playing the 'Nice Guy Act' just so he can get what he wants from people. He doesn't give a shit!"

"And _what_ could he want from me?" Phoebe asked. "Obviously not my body--" Wanda snorted until Dorothy Ann hit her arm. "--considering I'm in a happy relationship. Obviously not my brain, as he's way better in physics than me."

"He wants _me!_ " Ralphie said.

" _Phrasing!_ " Carlos and Tim said, laughing.

Ralphie ignored them. "He wants you to drop some dirt on me because he's pissed I'm a starting running back on varsity, and he's second string Q.B. He wants to take me down a notch."

"You are paranoid," Phoebe said.

"I am _not_ , face ass."

Phoebe sighed, used to him calling her "face ass" because of her cleft chin, so she chose to ignore that. She took a bite of her strawberry and soy nut butter sandwich. "You're going to that party with me and Arnold, by the way."

Arnold put his arm around her shoulders. "I go where she goes, and we both know you go where I go, Ralphie." He held his other hand out to him. "I jump, you jump, remember? Promise me now, Ralphie, that you'll go to that party, and never let go of that promise."

Ralphie pretended to hold back tears as he took Arnold's hand. He made his voice high and cracked as he pretended not to sob, "I promise."

Arnold gave his hand a squeeze. "Never let go."

Ralphie closed his eyes and nodded. "I'll never let go, Arnold. _I'll never let go_."

Keesha shot a look to Phoebe. "Goddammit, you let them watch _Titanic_ again, didn't you?"

Phoebe shrugged. "I can't stop them when they find _Titanic_ on TV."

Carlos took a bite of his pickle spear and used it to point as he said, "When you think about it, Pheebolino is Jack, Fancy Boy is Rose, Ralphie's the Italian guy that was Jack's buddy, Mrs. P is totally Rose's mom, and Wanda is--"

Wanda grabbed his pickle spear and threw it at him. "If you say I'm the Cal, I will hit you with my pump."

Tim looked at D.A. "What's a 'pump'?"

"Her shoe," D.A. said.

Tim nodded, now knowing what kind of high-heel Wanda's shoes were. Carlos pouted some at his wasted pickle spear, and Phoebe gave him her unopened Sweetums NutriYum bar. He smiled and didn't waste any time opening it and eating it.

Arnold shook his head. "How can you still eat those things?" he asked.

"You still eat Mallowblasters," Phoebe pointed out.

"Yeah, but NutriYum bars have _way_ more sugar and corn syrup than Mallowblasters do."

"Dude, shut up," Carlos said, mouth full of NutriYum bar. "They taste good, all right?"

Tim nodded. "Yeah, man. The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to six-hundred pounds, and die of a heart attack in your forties, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _..."take suits to tailor and shoes to shoemaker."  
>  [...]"You have a shoemaker?"  
> [...]"Do you not?"_ \- Taken from _Archer_.
> 
> _"...Janet is a mean person."  
>  [...]  
> "I honestly believe that Janet was programmed by someone from the future to come back and destroy all happiness."_ \- From _Parks and Recreation_
> 
> _"Well, it's good to see you, Tim,"[...]  
>  [...]"You've aged horribly in the last year."  
> [...]"You son of a bitch."  
> [...]"That didn't take long."_ \- More _Parks and Recreation_
> 
> _Keesha nodded. "And she's not gay; she just has big hands."_ \- More _Archer_.
> 
> _Keesha laughed. "Burn!"_ \- From _That 70's Show_.
> 
> _"Phrasing!" Carlos and Tim said, laughing._ \- Also _Archer_.
> 
> _Tim nodded. "Yeah, man. The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to six-hundred pounds, and die of a heart attack in your forties, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful." _\- Again, _Parks and Recreation___
> 
> __Also from _Parks and Recreation_ is the Sweetums NutriYum bar. I'll probably bring up Sweetums again later on seeing as Walkerville is basically Pawnee in this story (except in Rhode Island as opposed to Indiana)._ _
> 
> __Janet and Dorothy Ann's posters are from the _Arrested Development_ episode "Red Hairing," in which we see Lindsay Bluth and Sally Sitwell's class president posters from 1982._ _
> 
> __Carlos calling Phoebe "Pheebolino" is straight up from "All Dried Up."_ _


	3. Wade Boggs On Her Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phoebe has anxiety.

Arnold parked in the street in front of the Ternelli house that early evening, but he opted to use the side door that went in the kitchen, knowing Ralphie and Phoebe would be in the breakfast nook or the living room. The garage door was open, Suzette Tennelli-Terese's Lexus SUV parked next to Ralphie's Jeep Wrangler. There was just enough room between the Jeep and the wall for Phoebe's Honda. Despite the long driveway, the open garage told him Suzette was about to leave for a hospital shift, so he was glad he didn't park in the driveway.

He walked in the house just as Suzette, clad in her white lab coat over her pant suit, was putting a meatloaf in the oven. Ralphie and Phoebe were sitting at the round breakfast table, but instead of doing homework, they were playing a card game. Several plastic deck boxes were stacked by them, and Arnold realized they weren't speaking English. He had no idea what they were speaking, but he figured it was either from _Star Trek_ or _Lord of the Rings_ or something fictional.

Suzette smiled when she saw him. "Oh, Arnold, I'm glad you're here. Maybe those two will speak English." She shook her head. "It's like they're speaking a twin language without being twins."

"Well, to quote Ralphie, Phoebe is his 'sister from another mister,' and he's her 'brother from another mother.'"

She nodded. "Sadly, their shared love for all things sci-fi and fantasy hasn't kept my carpets from getting bloodstained or my walls from being dented by someone's head getting slammed in to it."

Phoebe noticed then that Arnold had walked in. Still speaking in one of the Elvish languages of Middle Earth she and Ralphie knew, she said, " _I can't tell him_."

" _About what?_ " Ralphie asked.

" _I can't meet his parents. Not yet, anyway. My anxiety gets worse when I think about it_."

" _You want me to tell him? 'Cause I can tell him_."

" _Just leave out the details about my vomiting, all right?_ "

Ralphie grinned. " _So 'yes' to the bouts of explosive shits?_ "

"No!" she snapped in English.

"Ah, a word I understand!" Suzette said. "Now that my little hobbits aren't distracted, I can tell you that A: The meatloaf is in the oven, and there is baked fish for you, Phoebe. B: I'm now going to leave for my hospital shift, and your father will be home soon, and C: Arnold is here."

Ralphie scoffed. "Uh, Ma, we were clearly speaking Elvish, and we're way too tall to be hobbits."

Phoebe cleared her throat. " _But_ we do both have huge feet and eat seven meals a day."

"Well, yeah, if we're going by the movie trilogy."

Suzette sighed. "My children are nerds, Arnold. Mark and I have raised two very big nerds that eat us out of house and home."

Arnold grinned. "Yeah, but we still like 'em, right?"

"I suppose. Two more years, and they'll be the state's problem."

Ralphie rolled his eyes. "Love you, too, Ma. And Pheebs does most of the eating."

She went over to him and kissed his head. "You know I love ya, Hulk." She went to Phoebe and kissed her head. "And I love you, too, Favorite Child."

Phoebe stuck her tongue out at Ralphie. "A title I will always hold."

With that, Suzette walked to the door, grabbing her purse and keys before walking out. Arnold joined Ralphie and Phoebe at the table. "What're you guys playing?"

Ralphie and Phoebe exchanged a look Arnold was all too familiar with, and Ralphie scoffed. "Uh, bro, this is Magic: The Gathering _._ "

"Deal me in?"

They exchanged _that_ look again. "Bro, if you really want to play with us, catch us on a day when we have like _all_ day to teach you."

Phoebe reached across the table and took Arnold's hand. "I'll teach you some time, along with teaching you how to play The Settlers of Catan and Dungeons & Dragons because Ralphie and I could always use more people to play with."

Ralphie laughed. "Yeah, D&D can get boring with just two people."

"And when I finally get my hands on the _A Game of Thrones_ game, we'll play that, too," Phoebe said.

Ralphie sighed. "One of these days we're going to finish..." He cocked a brow and lowered his voice. " _Project cone_."

"'Project cone'?" Arnold asked.

"Later, when we've worked out the details," Phoebe said.

Ralphie started putting away his cars, Phoebe following suit. They each had five small cases, all in different colors and all filled with cards. "How many of these cards do you guys have?" Arnold asked.

Ralphie and Phoebe glanced at one another before Phoebe said, "Between us both or separately? Because the answer is 'hundreds' for both. These aren't even all of our cards. Ralphie has his big case, and I have mine."

Arnold chuckled. "I swear, I learn more about you Ternellis every day."

Ralphie patted him hard on the back. "Aw, c'mon, bro, you've known me since preschool. There ain't much we don't know about each other."

Phoebe got up. "I'm going to go put my cards away." In Elvish, she said, " _Please say something to him?_ "

Ralphie waved her off. " _I got this._ "

Phoebe's face reddened. "Be right back."

She disappeared around the corner to the hall, and they heard her on the stairs. "Right, yeah," Ralphie said, "Pheebs is having second thoughts about dinner with your parents, and I offered to tell you because we both know she's got issues with anxiety, so I wanted to save her from sweating and stammering and feeling violently ill. She says anytime she thinks about it, she gets sick, which is true. I've heard her."

Arnold knew she had issues with anxiety, but he didn't know it was that bad. "I'll talk to her, let her know we can do this when _she_ is ready."

Ralphie patted his shoulder. "Thanks, bro. Now, let's change the subject because I kind of really hate being the mediator in your relationship."

Arnold nodded. "All right, how about you and me, the Playstation 2, and _Gran Turismo_?"

"That's more like it, man!"

They got up, Ralphie taking his card cases, and they walked to the stairs. Arnold grinned as they passed the portrait of the pope on the wall in the hallway, as just above it was a portrait of Jon Bon Jovi (Suzette had been a fan since 1984). The wall along the stairs was devoted to family photos, Arnold smiling again at the two large, framed baby portraits that took up most of the photo space. Baby-Ralphie was smiling big while baby-Phoebe looked shocked, which seemed right. Her outfit was Red Sox related, as was pretty much everything she wore in her baby photos was (she told him that because it was Fenway Park's 75th anniversary, her mother went all out on Red Sox apparel for her). Arnold's favorite photo of Phoebe as a baby was the one of her sitting in her high chair with a Burger King Red Sox cup featuring Wade Boggs on her head.

While Ralphie went to his room to put his cards away, Arnold went to Phoebe's room. Their rooms were on opposite ends of the hallway, the guest bedroom and bathroom in between. Ralphie had a small yellow banner with a black stag sewn on it hanging on his door, something Arnold knew Phoebe had made (and was related to those fantasy books she loved). She had a similar banner on her door, but hers was half red and half blue with a silver colored fish sewn on. She also had a red wooden "P" hanging above it and a faded Red Sox sticker above that. Her door was open, but since she was sitting on her bed with her face in her hands, he knocked. She looked up when she heard him, and she hurried to her feet.

"Hey," she said.

"Ralphie told me. I'll make up some excuse on my part to my parents, no worries."

She nodded but looked more like she'd be sick than happy. "I'm sorry."

He smiled and went over to her. He put his hands on her upper arms, gently running them up and down. "Don't be. I'd rather you be happy and well than sick over something I did."

She moved her eyes up to look at him, and she let out a nervous laugh. "How do you stand being with an emotional mess like me?"

He winked. "I could ask how you stand being with a neurotic that has obsessive-compulsive tendencies."

She wrapped her arms around his torso and rested her cheek against him as she held him tight. Feeling his arms squeeze her back made her feel slightly better. "Is it weird to say that I like how your body feels against me, in a mostly non-sexual way? Holding you and cuddling with you relaxes me."

"Nah, it's not weird. I understand what you mean. It's like how I like it when you're the 'big spoon.'"

She squeezed him a little more. "I like being the 'big spoon.'" She pressed her nose against his neck and took a deep breath. "You smell so good. Your smell relaxes me, too. That... _that_ was weird wasn't it?"

When she leaned her head back, he moved his hands to cup her rounded cheeks. "Phoebe, you're weird, and I _adore_ you...weirdness and all." He kissed the tip of her slightly crooked nose. "How about on Friday night, I take you out to dinner. We'll wear jeans and t-shirts and eat at Paunch Burger."

She closed her eyes and smiled. "Oh, Mr. Perlstein, a boy after my own heart."

He brushed her hair back with his fingers before moving his hands down to her hips. "I swear it: I will wear jeans and a t-shirt. Can't guarantee my shoes won't be designer or not-preppy."

She kissed his cheek. "Well, I can't expect you to _completely_ slum it with me."

Arnold noticed the books on the floor beside her bed, and he nodded to them. "Say, when are you going to have me read your favorite fantasy series?"

Phoebe let go of him and picked up _A Game of Thrones_. Before she handed it to him, she took a deep breath and held the book with both hands. "Are you emotionally ready for the roller coaster you are about to embark on?" Before he could respond, she went on, "I mean it. This series will rattle you. You will feel shattered after some scenes, and it doesn't get easier. _But it's so damn good_."

He smiled and held his hands out. "I'm ready."

She nodded and handed him the book. "When you finish, _A Clash of Kings_ will be here, waiting for you."

"Bro!" they heard Ralphie call from the upstairs den. "You, me, _Gran Turismo_ , now!"

Phoebe sighed. "You can't date one Ternelli without dating the other."

He kissed her and took her hand in his as they walked out of her room. "I knew what I was getting in to when I first asked you out."

* * *

Ricky Thomson dropped an envelope on Phoebe's notes before he sat down beside her. She opened it and took out the invite:

PEGGY & RICKY'S 17TH BIRTHDAY BLOWOUT!  
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2003. 8PM TO 12AM  
1465 PINE HILLS RD., WALKERVILLE  
GIFTS ARE OPTIONAL  
FOOD AND DRINK IS ALL TAKEN CARE OF!

"So is the sixth your actual birthday?" Phoebe asked.

"Yep. So you and your friends can come?"

She nodded and smiled. "Absolutely. I might have to _really_ convince some of them, because you're from Eagleton and all, but Carlos will do anything I ask of him, and Wanda never turns down a party. Arnold and Dorothy Ann will go only if I do, y'know 'cause I'm dating one and the other's my best friend. So basically I will have to _really_ convince Tim, Ralphie, and Keesha."

Ricky took out his notebook and physics text book. "Your brother really doesn't like me, does he?"

Phoebe knew Ralphie wouldn't want her to tell Ricky _why_ he hated him, so she refrained from the whole truth. "He's...not very trusting of new people."

"Ah, gotta prove my worth? That sort of thing?"

"Something like that." She laughed. "It's funny to me because you remind me a lot of him. Even kind of look a like. I don't suppose you love _Star Wars_ , _Star Trek_ , and all things Tolkien, do you?"

He shrugged. " _Star Wars_ was good. Can't comment on _Star Trek_ , and I saw the first _Lord of the Rings_ movie."

She nodded. "Ah, yeah, not _exactly_ like him. We knew each other before our parents got married, but becoming step-siblings was still hard to adjust to. If it wasn't for our shared love of fantasy and sci-fi, we probably wouldn't have bonded as fast."

Ricky laughed. "It's funny...you two are step-siblings but are more like twins than me and my own twin sister. Peggy and I don't have much in common, aside from our last name and birthday."

"If it's any consolation, my boyfriend and his cousin are practically twins, and they are _nothing_ alike, aside from their last name and hair color and eye color."

"Janet Perlstein is Arnold's cousin?" he asked. "I thought they were siblings, though yeah, you're right: They are nothing alike. My sister almost quit cheerleading because she couldn't stand being around Janet, but after she realized her presence was more annoying to Janet, she stayed."

Phoebe swallowed hard. "I know Janet seems scary, but really, she's just a manipulative, psychotic, sex crazed She-Demon."

Ricky started to laugh but stopped when he realized Phoebe wasn't.

* * *

The guys stared at the hair growing in a horseshoe shape around Tim's chin and upper lip. It was thick enough that it was clearly a mustache in the making. They were sitting out on the grassy area by the parking lot as they waited for the girls after school.

"How did you grow it so fast?" Ralphie asked.

"Genetics, man," Tim said. He ran his fingers over his new facial hair. "Isn't it _awesome?_ "

Arnold grinned. "I think Carlos is pissed he can't grow one. Look at how pouty he is."

Carlos had been pouting, and he continued to do so. "It's not fair! _I_ should have the best beard!"

Tim shook his head. "That's racist, man."

Carlos opened his mouth to respond, but he stopped and sighed. "I had something for this."

He was relieved when the girls showed up then, Wanda running to Tim and nearly sitting on top of him. "Excellent news, Timmy-Boy!" she said. "I found a new and better _supplier_ of _certain goods_ for us."

"Pot, guys," Keesha said. "She's talking about pot. I've cracked the Wanda-code."

"I think _everyone_ has cracked that code," Ralphie said.

Arnold put his arm around Phoebe when he felt her press herself against him. "You okay?"

She nodded, her face pressed against the soft fabric of his collared shirt. "Just tired, as usual."

He kissed the top of her head. "It's Thursday. Tomorrow's date night, so that's something to look forward to."

Wanda grimaced. " _Ugh_ , do you two have be all gross right now? No one needs to see that."

Keesha smirked at her. "Seeing that has got to be a real knee to the old emotional nut sack, huh?"

Wanda's eyes widened, and she bared her teeth. " _Shut up_ , Keesha!"

Arnold decided to steer Phoebe away from any argument that might erupt between Wanda and Keesha, and he led her to the Porsche. "I bought myself something," he said.

Phoebe laughed. "You buy yourself things all the time."

"True, but this is something I got because of you." He opened the trunk and took out a white open-faced helmet. On each side of it was a gray direwolf. "Tim designed it for me. What do you think?"

Phoebe's jaw dropped slightly. "My direwolf of Winterfell has his own moped helmet?"

"Now we can look even more cute on your bike...Tully and Stark. The Blackfish and her Young Wolf."

Phoebe felt her chest tighten, and she didn't care who saw when she grabbed him and pulled him against her so she could press her lips on his. He dropped the helmet in his trunk and returned the hold and kiss. Phoebe wanted to blurt out that she loved him, but she didn't want to rush those three little words. At the same time, he not only remembered details about her favorite books she attributed to them, he got a House Stark-themed helmet for himself to match her Tully one. He showed her that he listened when she'd ramble about the things she loved (as he obviously had it made before he started _A Game of Thrones_ ), and he showed he really, truly wanted to be with her. But she decided long ago that if they ever got to the "love" point, she would wait for _him_ to say it first.

When their lips parted, he smiled and said, "So I done good?"

She nodded. "You done good."

He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against hers. "I adore you, Lady Phoebe the Blackfish. What say I leave this junky thing I call a car here and we hop on the Honda and go to your house, finish our homework, and lay on the upstairs couch while we watch _The Empire Strikes Back_."

"You really trust leaving the Porsche here, all alone, in a high school parking lot?"

He winked at her. "It's not like I paid for it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Phoebe swallowed hard. "I know Janet seems scary, but really, she's just a manipulative, psychotic, sex crazed She-Demon."_ \- From _Parks and Recreation_.
> 
> _"I had something for this."_ \- From _Archer_.
> 
> _Keesha smirked at her. "Seeing that has got to be a real knee to the old emotional nut sack, huh?"_ \- Also _Archer_.


	4. Stark and Tully

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Date Night for Arnold and Phoebe.

The gang had lunch outside the following day, Friday, as the cafeteria had to be washed out and disinfected. Poopy, the raccoon who somehow found his way in to the cafeteria to poop everywhere, struck again, so the cafeteria was closed off until further notice. It was unknown if Poopy was always the same raccoon, but it was known he was a raccoon, thanks to the security cameras. The gang sat under the saplings on the grassy area by the parking lot, Tim's Jetta's windows down so they could hear the music he turned on. Arnold was sitting back against one of the saplings, Phoebe leaning back against him. They were whispering to each other and laughing until Keesha threw pieces of food at them.

"Stop being coupley!" she said. "We all agreed that if you two were going settle for each other you wouldn't gross the rest of us out."

Arnold squeezed Phoebe against him, making her giggle when he touched her ticklish sides. "But how could you not want to act coupley with this lovely girl?" He kissed her temple. "I mean just look at her adorable self."

"We're not all Dorothy Ann," Tim said.

"The Others take all of you!" Arnold said.

Phoebe's jaw dropped, but her eyes were wide and bright. "You're quoting _A Song of Ice and Fire_!"

Carlos let out a " _woo!_ " before saying, "Perlstein's gonna get lucky tonight!"

Wanda threw down her sandwich and got to her feet, storming away. Phoebe moved out of Arnold's hold, her happiness over his quoting her favorite books visibly gone. "Go talk to her."

Arnold raised his brows. "What?"

"You're the only one she'll listen to." She nodded towards Wanda. " _Go_."

Arnold reluctantly got up and went after her. Keesha shook her head. "My God, you really _are_ a good person. What's it like not having smelly farts?"

Phoebe cracked a small grin. "Love you, too, Keesha."

Closer to the side doors, Arnold caught up to Wanda, who was pacing around with clenched fists. He approached her carefully and slowly, not sure how she'd react. He may have been almost a foot taller than her and about fifty-five pounds heavier, but if given the chance, he knew Wanda could easily kick his ass.

"You okay?" he asked.

" _Look at me!_ " she snapped. "How hot am I now? Let me answer that for you: _As balls!_ " She huffed for a moment before going on, "What the hell does _she_ have that _I_ don't?"

Arnold knew better than to answer that. "Wanda, you're one of my oldest friends, and you know I love you dearly...just not in the way you want."

"You wanted me at one point, you know."

He nodded. "I did, but come on, let's face it: You would _hate_ me after one date."

She crossed her arms. "No, I wouldn't. I know what a goody-good, nice guy you are. I can overlook that because you dress _so_ good and smell heavenly and have such a rockin' bod."

He could have confronted the fact she was only seeing his looks and style, but this was Wanda. Instead, he turned the conversation _against_ himself. "You would get so bored with me if I were your boyfriend, trust me. You've dated way more interesting guys than me, and what happened? You got bored with them. You would _hate_ how polite I get, my tendency to pronounce French on menus correctly, and my obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Seriously, I'm a neurotic mess. Just ask Ralphie."

He noticed her eyes darting around as she pieced things together in her mind. "So...like, why then does Terese like being with you? If you're so boring?"

Arnold hated what he was going to say, but the only way to please Wanda was to insult Phoebe. "She's boring, too, remember? Two negatives make a positive. With you and me? You're a positive; I'm a negative. A positive and a negative make a negative."

She flared her nostrils. "Well, how about we get physical, just to see if we're really not good together."

That's where he drew the line. "No."

Wanda stepped closer to him. "Just a make out. Maybe some hand action. That's all."

" _No._ "

She continued to move closer to him. "But we're two hot bodies! Even if our personalities suck together, doesn't mean our bodies weren't made for each other!"

Before she could grab him, Phoebe came up behind her and lifted her up. "All right, you're done now, Wanda." Arnold knew Phoebe was strong, but seeing her lift up the curvy, solid Wanda with ease was something else. She turned and set Wanda down away from Arnold. "I don't mind my boyfriend talking to you, but you giving him unwanted physical advances is where I'm going to have to step in."

"But he wants me--"

Phoebe gently smacked her on the cheek. "No."

Wanda looked at her in shock, unsure if she should fight back or not. "You hit me! Just because Arnold wants me--"

Phoebe smacked her other cheek. " _No_."

" _Stop hitting me!_ "

"Stop sexually harassing Arnold."

"I wasn't--"

Phoebe smacked her a third time. " _No!_ "

Wanda clenched her jaw and huffed through her nose. " _Fine!_ "

Phoebe took a deep breath to ease her nerves, and she said, "Look, we both have had feelings for Arnold for a long, long time," before Wanda could interrupt, she added, "you longer than me." She paused for a moment to take another deep breath to remain calm. "He had his choice of girls to ask out on a date, and he made his choice." She swallowed hard, hoping her voice wasn't shaking as much as she thought. "You and I used to be friends, but I know you won't do anything for me if I asked now. So, considering you still care very much for Arnold, respect his decision." She swallowed again, cursing her throat for drying up. "I know you mean a lot to him because you're one of his oldest friends, and I would _never_ ask him to stop being your friend. If not for me, as least respect his and my relationship...for _him_."

Wanda crinkled her nose, and Phoebe tensed, not sure how Wanda would react. She was pleasantly surprised when Wanda stepped back. "All right, _fine_." She rubbed her red cheeks. "You didn't have to hit me."

Phoebe sighed and looked down. "Yes, I did."

"All right, _fine_ , you did." She started walking away, Phoebe hearing her mutter, " _Dudley Douche-Bag_."

It came out freshman year that Phoebe had not been born in Boston, as was previously believed, but instead, she had been born (early) during a trip her parents took to Montreal. Ralphie had been the one to first discover this fact, when he saw Phoebe's birth certificate when looking for his own in order to sign up for driver's ed. The "Québec" was what caught his eye, followed by the French. Mark was the one who told him, and when Ralphie asked Phoebe what state was on her birth certificate, she was quick to say, "Commonwealth of Massachusetts."

"Really?" he asked, smirking. "'Cause I thought it was a _province_ on your birth certificate, _eh?_ "

Soon after that, the rest of the gang found out. Janet had been the one to come up with "Dudley Douche-Bag," and prior to now, Phoebe hadn't been called that since sophomore year when Wanda had called her that. The others would tease her about her dual citizenship and Canadian birth, but it wasn't anything more than "We're getting donuts at Dunkin', but we figure you'd want Tim Hortons, _eh?_ " or "Drinking milk from a jug? Sure you don't want a bag?" Still, being friends with this group have given her somewhat of a thick skin. She chose to ignore what Wanda said.

Arnold shook his head in disbelief. "Wow, that went _so_ much better than I expected."

Phoebe's hardened expression faded, and she became less tense as she wrapped her arms around him. "This is where my social anxiety is going to ask you whether or not she's the Lyanna Stark to your Rhaegar Targaryen, thus making me your Elia Martell."

Arnold returned the hold. "We're Ned and Cat. Stark and Tully, remember? Not Targaryen and Martell. _Stark and Tully_."

She pulled back enough to look at him. "Stark and Tully."

He gave her a small kiss on the lips. "Direwolf and Trout."

"The Young Wolf and the Blackfish...though, those weren't Ned and Cat's nicknames."

He smiled and shrugged. "But they're ours, so they work."

* * *

Friday night at Paunch Burger meant that the restaurant would be packed with Walkerville High kids. Paunch Burger was supposed to become a chain of fast food restaurants when it opened in the 1970s, but it never took off outside of Wamapoke County. Eventually, what chains had opened closed, leaving the original in downtown Walkerville the only one. The Sweetums company eventually bought that one Paunch Burger so that they had somewhere to sell their sweetest sodas at massive sizes.

Ralphie, Carlos, Keesha, Wanda, Dorothy Ann, and Tim were sitting in a booth, all enjoying their burgers, fries, and sodas. As they ate, they also stared across the restaurant where Arnold and Phoebe were having their date night. D.A. sighed and put her burger down. " _Please_ enlighten me again as to why we're shadowing Arnold and Phoebe?" she asked.

"Because something could come up where we might need one of them," Carlos said.

Tim nodded. "Let's face it: We're hopeless without the yuppie and the hippie keeping us in line."

Ralphie swallowed his bite of burger. "Sad, but true."

Keesha tapped Wanda's leg with her foot. "You're oddly quiet."

"Can we _not_ talk about Arnold and his mistake?" she snapped.

Keesha and Carlos were sharing the side of the booth with Ralphie, and Carlos grabbed him by the shirt as Keesha rolled her eyes. Wanda was sitting between Tim and D.A., who both grabbed her by the arms.

"Arnold's _what_?" Ralphie demanded. Carlos continued to hold on to him as he tensed further. "Look, I've had to put up with you making your little smart ass comments about my bro and my step-sister, but I'm getting really goddamn sick of it! Get over it, Wanda! _Get over it!_ The sooner you do, the sooner you'll be happy, and the sooner we won't have to put up with your _bratty bullshit anymore!_ "

Wanda exploded with, " _You mind your own dicky beeswax!_ " but Tim and D.A. grabbed her with both hands this time, keeping her in place.

Their table soon exploded in a cacophony of shouts and arguments. The restaurant was loud from the other kids, the music, and the arcade games, so no one noticed the six fighting in their booth. As soon as the fighting started, it suddenly stopped. The six sat back, all trying to catch their breath. Keesha eventually broke the tension.

"I don't get what the big deal over Arnold is, anyway. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the guy; he's a good friend, but..." She shrugged. "I guess he's all right looking, for a ginger dandy boy who waxes his chest, but have any of you not named 'Ralphie' spent more than an hour with him, one-on-one?" She closed her eyes and let out a loud snore.

The others laughed, and Carlos said, "He's such a nerd for grammar. He's always correcting me. Irregardless, he's--"

D.A. held up her hand. " _That's_ why he corrects you. You use words that don't exist." She sighed. "But he can get arrogant about it."

Tim chuckled. "And this is _Dorothy Ann_ saying this."

Wanda crossed her arms. "Are you guys saying this shit so I'll get over him?"

"Did it work?" Keesha asked.

She sighed. "Yeah, a little."

Tim held up his hand. "He's related to Janet."

Wanda pointed at him. "And _now_ I'm over him."

Ralphie held up his hands. "All right, all right, I'm sure we all have our 'Arnold can be a boring dick' stories, but do any of you have any bad Phoebe stories?" They all thought about it, and even Wanda shook her head when the others did. "That girl is a _saint_. Let's be real: If anyone can put up with Arnold when he's in 'boring dick' mode, it's her."

Carlos cupped his hands together. "She's like a little freckled ball of puppies and sunshine you just want to keep in your pocket for a bad day. Even when she's feeling down and shitty, she won't let any of us feel down and shitty." He stopped when he realized something. "Shit. This means we owe it to her to go to that Eagleton party, huh?"

"With everything she's done for us over the years, that would be the right thing for us to do for her," Tim said. They all nodded and groaned in agreement. Tim suddenly tensed and arched his brows. " _She's here_."

Wanda grabbed his wrist. "What?"

Keesha and D.A. looked around, and Carlos said, " _Janet_."

"Holy shit snacks," Wanda said, her eyes widening.

Everyone at the table jumped and yelped when Janet suddenly appeared. "Hello, bitches."

Wanda leaned forward. "Janet, hey, listen, settle something for me?"

Janet smirked. "Fine."

"You like to have sex, and you like to travel?"

"Yeah."

Wanda grinned. "Then you can fuck off."

Janet let out a harsh laugh and put her hand on Tim's shoulder. "Oh, Wanda, it's so cute how you think you're so, _so_ clever." She slid her hand along Tim's neck to his cheek. "I was just seeing what Timmy's up to this weekend, if he was going to the Thomsons' party."

Tim was tense and full on angry-faced, so Keesha answered for him, "We're all going, Janet."

Janet brushed her finger along Tim's moustache. "I love the facial hair, Timmy. _So sexy_. Come find me tomorrow night."

She walked off, and Carlos shook his head. "Fight the temptation, Tim. Janet's hot as shit, but you don't need that crazy back in your life."

"You have to love how the Perlsteins are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum," Keesha said. "It's like if there was a third one, they would be _right_ in the middle...not too nice but not too sociopathic."

Tim relaxed just a little. "Janet just likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing okay. And if I am, she tries to fuck everything up."

Ralphie touched his fist to his other palm. "We'll back you up, man. Help make sure you don't fall in the ginger trap."

Carlos snorted. "Or _her_ ginger trap."

D.A. grimaced and pushed her food away. "And just like that, I am no longer hungry."

Across the restaurant, Arnold and Phoebe glanced at their friends, Arnold laughing. "I'm willing to bet they think we're not aware they are following us."

"Oh, I know they think that," Phoebe said, taking a bite of her salad. "There's always at least two of them shadowing us on a date."

At the same time, they said, "Ralphie and Carlos."

True to his word of dressing down, Arnold was wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and blue boat shoes. His t-shirt was a blue Red Sox one he bought because of Phoebe, and she was wearing a gray Red Sox tank top with her jeans and worn hi-top boots. It was unintentional they both wore Red Sox shirts, but at least there were plenty of others in Red Sox shirts at the restaurant. Phoebe left her hair unruly, not wanting to deal with her frustrating waves (she was seriously considering just cutting it all off), but Arnold's was styled, as always. She didn't expect he'd go out with his curls unstyled.

Phoebe's smile faded. "Though I did notice your cousin speaking to them."

Arnold shook his head. "She's probably trying to manipulate Tim in to dating her again. It's a terrible idea. Most guys might say they don't want their friend dating their female family member, but most guys don't have Janet as a female family member."

"To be fair, Tim has fared the best of any of Janet's exes."

Arnold nodded. "True." He paused for a moment before clearing his throat. "So, my trout of Tully, changing the subject, but I want to run something by you before I make any decisions."

"Shoot, my direwolf of Stark."

"I'm thinking about doing competitive boxing during my swimming off-season." He reached across the table and took her hand. "What d'you think?"

Phoebe knew boxing was second to swimming when it came to Arnold's sports (golf was third), but he never did it competitively, only training and maybe the occasional practice fight. She hated the idea of him getting hurt. He wasn't Ralphie, who she was used to seeing beat up, either by her fist or from football and hockey. But she knew he loved boxing (after his rock collection and swimming, of course).

She smiled and reached across the table to gently tug on his ear. "I'd hate to see these adorable ears become cauliflower ears." She winked and pulled her arm back. "If you want to do it and competing will make you happy, I say do it."

"Are you sure?"

She took both of hands in hers and gave them a squeeze. "I'm absolutely sure, Arnold Matthew Perlstein. You don't need my approval."

He squeezed her hands back. "But you're my best gal. _Of course_ I'm going to ask for your opinion and-or approval." He brought one of her hands to his lips and kissed it. "But you don't have to ask for mine."

She pulled her left hand away so she could pick up her fork. She smiled and before taking a bite of her salad, she said, "Oh, I know."

He chuckled. "Phoebe's going to do what Phoebe's going to do."

She grinned and winked. "It's why I'm the Blackfish." She tapped her nose with her finger. "I just hope that when you're in a boxing match, you won't end up getting a crooked nose like mine."

"You mean I could get a cute, crooked Terese nose?"

"If your opponent hits you as hard as those wood stairs hit me, then maybe."

Arnold wasn't sure if this was one of those times Phoebe was kidding in a "serious" voice or not. He let out a nervous laugh when she grinned and chuckled, hoping he didn't offend her on some level. The mood shifted when Arnold notice Phoebe look up and tense.

"I must say it saddens me to see you slumming, cousin."

Arnold turned and looked up at Janet. "Making your rounds?"

She smirked. "I'm sure Auntie Jean would _love_ to know who you're really hanging out with tonight."

Arnold hurried to his feet as Phoebe asked, "What?"

"What I told my parents is between me and them," he said to Janet. "Stop stirring up shit."

Janet was five-eleven without heels, but with her high heels, she was about the same height as Arnold, so there wasn't much a difference as they both stood with their heads high. She smiled and said, "Are you implying I'm an instigator?"

"I _know_ you are." He lowered his voice and said, "I've put up with a lot of shit from you since we were little, but I refuse to allow you to come between me and Phoebe, all right?"

"Oh, Arnold, it's not always about... _that_." She gestured towards Phoebe. "Sure, I never approved of your choice in... _her_ , but this is about your little friend Tim."

He nodded. "Also your ex who wants nothing to do with you."

"Convince him to get back with me, and I won't tell Aunt Jean and Uncle Stephen you lied to them."

Arnold laughed. "Go ahead and tell them. You think you can blackmail me?"

Janet's smile was gone, and Phoebe felt a chill run down her back when she recognized that icy look in her eyes. "I can do more than that, Arnold, and you know it."

Phoebe scrambled to her feet. "Arnold, let's just--"

Janet snapped her head towards her. "Stay out of this, assface!"

"Hey, don't insult Phoebe!"

"I will insult her all I want!"

Time seemed to slow to Phoebe as Janet's hand made contact with Arnold's face. As soon as she slapped him, Phoebe felt instinct take over as her left fist made contact with Janet's jaw. Time resumed to normal speed, and Phoebe froze for a moment, shocked at the sight of Janet on the floor, holding her jaw as she moaned in pain. A shout of " _Run!_ " from Arnold had Phoebe grab her small purse and run for the door. She continued to run to where Arnold's Porsche was parked across the street, and Arnold used the keyless entry to unlock it. They both got in, and she started to laugh when she saw he had grabbed his burger.

"You grabbed your hamburger?"

He started the engine and drove off. "Phoebe Margot Terese, how long have you known me? Did you really think I would leave perfectly good food behind?" He smiled. "I'm proud and shocked that you clocked Janet."

Phoebe shrugged. "She hit you and threatened you. I wasn't going to let her get away with hurting someone I love." She realized what she had blurted out. "I-- I just meant--"

He pouted. "So you don't love me?" He came to a stop at a stop sign, and he leaned over to kiss her cheek. "I love you, Phoebe Terese. Does that help? 'Cause it's true."

She giggled and wiped her cheek. "You got ketchup and dead cow on me." She used her thumb to wipe his lips before giving him a kiss. "I love you, Arnold Perlstein."

They kissed again, and Arnold brushed the back of his fingers along her cheek. "Thank you for doing something I've wanted to do for years but couldn't bring myself to because Janet's a girl."

"Anytime, but you know, Ralphie hits me all the time."

Arnold nodded. "True, but to be fair, you can hold your own against him. I'm pretty sure Janet could easily kill me if given the chance."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Poopy, the raccoon who somehow found his way in to the cafeteria to poop everywhere, struck again..._ \- From Parks and Recreation. Poopy the raccoon is on the parks department's "Most Wanted Pests" list, as he poops all over the high school cafeteria.
> 
> _"Dudley Douche-Bag."_ \- From Archer. It's a reference to the character Dudley Do-Right.
> 
> Paunch Burger is also from Parks and Recreation, but it is a fast food chain on the show, as opposed to the local burger joint in this fic. Also from Parks is the fictional Wamapoke County.
> 
> _"You mind your own dicky beeswax!"_ \- Also Archer.
> 
> _"Holy shit snacks..."_ \- Archer, again.
> 
> _"Janet, hey, listen, settle something for me?"  
> ...  
>  "Then you can fuck off."_ \- From Veep.
> 
> _"Janet just likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing okay. And if I am, she tries to fuck everything up."_ \- More Parks and Recreation.


	5. The Walkerville-Eagleton Drink Off Classic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's party time at the Thomsons'.

The gang took two cars to the Thomson party that Saturday night, Ralphie and Dorothy Ann being the drivers. D.A. followed Ralphie, who was driving lead as Phoebe had the directions to the party. Ralphie, Phoebe, Arnold, and Carlos were in one vehicle, and Tim rode shotgun in D.A.'s Volkswagen Golf as Keesha managed to keep Wanda from playing with the window and lock buttons.

Tim glanced at the backseat. "I still think you should remove the whole backseat and put in a kick ass sound system. Hell, I could trick out this whole hatchback for you at discount. Low-rider tires, tinted windows, subwoofers, whatever you want."

"Yeah, spice up this boring ass car," Wanda said. "And what the _hell_ are we listening to?"

"Do _not_ talk shit on R.E.M.," D.A. snapped. She smiled at Tim. "I like my boring car, thanks. It's perfect for boring ol' me."

When they drove across town to the southeast side, Tim groaned. "Holy shit, of course the Eagleton twins live in Old Walker Vale."

Keesha snorted. "Yeah, but not the super rich part, just the newer, slightly smaller McMansions part."

D.A. parked behind Ralphie's Jeep near the Thomson house, and the eight stayed close as they walked down the sidewalk. The number of luxury cars told them that the Eagleton kids were already there. Carlos shook his head. "Damn, we should have just packed into Wanda's BMW and Perlstein's Porsche. At least we woulda fit in better."

"The key to rich kids," Arnold said, "is punch them when they become a huge pain the ass."

"We don't punch you, and you can be a pain in the ass," Carlos said.

Tim laughed and patted Carlos' shoulder. "That's 'cause Arnold can kick _your_ ass, man."

Ralphie nodded. "If any Eagleton rich kids need their asses kicked, we'll just send in Arnold. And maybe Pheebs. She _is_ freakishly strong."

Keesha held up her hands. "And she's got those Johnny Bench-ian fingers. Ball 'em in to a fist, and you have two sledgehammers."

"Sacrifice the gingers while the rest of us run. Got it," Tim said.

Phoebe looked at her very long, bony hands. "My hands aren't _that_ big."

Ralphie held up one of his massive hands. "Almost as long as my hands, but I'm a big boy who plays football; I'm _supposed_ to have huge hands."

Arnold took one of her hands and brought it to his lips. "Well, I _adore_ your hands, Phoebe."

Keesha nudged him with her elbow. "I bet you do, Mr. Perlstein." In an English accent, she went on, "Know what I mean? Know what I mean? _Nudge, nudge_. _Wink, wink_. Say no more!"

Carlos laughed and put his arm around her shoulders. "Gotta love a woman who quotes Python!"

They walked in the house to find the Eagleton kids dancing while drinking from red Solo cups. Red... _Eagleton High School's color_. Walkerville kids' parties always used blue Solo cups, blue for the Walkerville High Wildcats. Phoebe was glad she left Arnold's letter jacket at home, but she realized her flannel blouse was red. Ricky was the first one to come over to them, and he was the only one smiling at them.

"Hey, you guys made it! We have a keg in the kitchen, liquor on the bar outside on the patio. Bartender will make you whatever you want. Just have some fun!"

"I take it your parents aren't home?" D.A. asked.

Keesha rolled her eyes. "Oh, don't be such a nerd."

Ricky held up his hands. "Before you guys go, I want to introduce you guys to my best friends." He turned and called out, "Hey, Peggy, can you round up the gang?" They saw Peggy Thomson in the living room, and she nodded to Ricky. A few moments later, Peggy and six others joined him. "You guys all know my sister, Peggy." He put his arm around a blonde girl's shoulders and said, "This is my girlfriend, Anna Beth Edwards." He pointed to the tall, slender black girl beside Anna Beth. "That's Kelly Freeman." The pretty-faced boy with shaggy blonde hair beside her. "That's Ronnie Perlman." The slim black guy wearing a Rolling Stones t-shirt beside him. "That's Tom Royce." The short, fair skinned Asian girl beside him. "That's Wendy Lu." The dark skinned, black haired girl not much taller than Wendy. "And that's Carla Rodriguez."

"Aw, what?" Carlos' face fell in disappointment. "My Bizarro self is a chick?" The others looked at him with raised brows. "Don't tell me you guys didn't notice! Look at them! Look at us!"

Wendy snorted. "Yeah, it's like looking in a shabby, poor mirror."

Wanda started to take her Chanel earrings off. "Okay, that's it." She handed D.A. her earrings. "Hold these. I'm gonna have to choke a bitch."

Wendy started taking hers off, handing them to Tom. "Tommy, hold mine. I have to take out the trash."

"Holy shit, there's two of them," Ralphie said.

D.A. handed Wanda her earrings back. "Wanda, stop. Everyone, just calm down. Let's just go get some drinks and relax, all right?"

Anna Beth nodded. "Agreed."

All but Ricky and Phoebe glanced at the other other group with narrow eyes before dispersing. Ralphie pulled Carlos and Phoebe aside. "So we have Bizarro selves from Eagleton, huh?"

Carlos nodded. "Yeah, just like on _Seinfeld_."

Ralphie shook his head. "What? No!"

"No, no, yeah, Carlos is right," Phoebe said. "It was on the _Seinfeld_ episode 'The Bizarro Jerry.'"

"No! The whole Bizarro thing is from _Superman_!"

Carlos scoffed. "And where do you think the _Superman_ comics got the idea? From _Seinfeld_!"

Ralphie's jaw dropped some. "I can't believe you two! You _Seinfeld_ fans should know that Jerry Seinfeld is a fan of _Superman_ , thus made the reference... _from Superman!_ "

Carlos shook his head. "Always have to be right, don't you, man? C'mon, Pheebs, let's go drink."

They walked off, leaving a frustrated Ralphie. " _Idiots_."

* * *

Tim and Carlos were outside at the bar, Carlos enjoying beer in a red Solo cup and Tim whiskey on the rocks. They were leaning back on the bar and looking around at everyone, a mix of Eagleton and Walkerville kids.

"If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party," Tim said.

"Man, lighten up," Carlos said, laughing. "Look at all the Gee-Fohs."

"The what?"

"G.F.O.S. Girls From Other Schools...Gee-Fohs." Carlos sighed and smiled. "So many babes. Too bad they're from Eagleton."

"Still think this party could be better," Tim said, taking a sip of his whiskey.

Carlos shrugged. "Well, look on the bright side."

"Which is?"

Carlos cocked a brow. "Which is what?"

Tim sighed. "You just said 'look on the bright side.'"

"It's a figure of speech, man."

"You're an idiot."

Carlos scoffed. "Whatever, man. You're just upset I'm gonna score with an Eagleton chick tonight."

Tim took another drink and chuckled. "Watch it be your Eagleton female version."

"Dude!"

The mood shifted drastically when they sensed Janet approach. She was wearing shorts that left little to the imagination with a sleeveless blouse. Tim had to avert his eyes from her long, toned, smooth, milky-white legs and arms. Oh, how those legs used to wrap around him... _no!_ He, instead, glanced at the bruised lump on her right jawline before looking at his drink.

"Hey, Tim," she said, grinning. She nodded to Carlos. "Glenn."

For some reason, Janet tended to call Carlos "Glenn," but the others assumed it was so she wouldn't accidentally tempt him in to being interested in her.

"Janet, be gone," Tim said. "I have no interest in sacrificing any small children tonight."

Carlos' jaw dropped, and he started laughing. "Holy shit snacks! I know that bruising anywhere!" He looked at Tim. "Doesn't it look like bruises Ralphie tends to get?"

Tim laughed. "Good lord, li'l ol' Pheebs hit you, didn't she?"

Janet's smirk was gone. "Bitch caught me by surprise."

" _Hey!_ " Carlos was no longer laughing, and Tim had to put his arm in front of him to keep him in place. "Call Phoebe Terese a 'bitch' one more time and see what happens!"

"Oh, what are you going to do, Glenn? Are you going to hit me?" Janet laughed. "Oh, you sad little man." She winked at Tim. "If you still want some of _this_ ," she gestured down her body, "just come find me."

She walked off, and Tim patted Carlos on the chest. "You all right, man?"

Carlos nodded. "Pheebs went easy on her."

"You want to go find Pheebs?"

"Yeah."

Tim patted him on the back and guided him forward. "All right, then. Let's go."

* * *

Keesha sat on the kitchen island counter to keep an eye on Wanda as she visited with girls from the cheer squad and drill team (which she was on). Once the cheerleaders and dancers started doing shots, Keesha knew that was when she'd have to _really_ monitor Wanda so she didn't do something stupid and-or illegal (like arson). Ralphie walked up to her just then, a lot of the girls squealing when they saw him.

Ralphie waved them off and looked at Keesha. "On the Wanda Watch?"

Keesha shrugged. "Someone has to do it."

"Get Arnold to watch her. I need a beer pong partner, and you're the best beer ponger in the gang."

"Ask D.A. She's pretty good."

He shook his head. "Nah, she takes too long lining up her shot."

"What about Tim?"

"He's trying to dodge Janet, so he needs to remain mobile."

Keesha nodded, understanding. "All right, _fine._ Go find Arnold, and I'll play beer pong with you."

Ralphie lit up. "You're the best!"

He ran off, and Keesha rolled her eyes and smiled. Though it was true about her being the best in the gang at beer pong. And not being on Wanda Watch for a change _would_ be nice. It wasn't like the others made her watch Wanda, but aside from Arnold, there wasn't anyone else Keesha trusted to keep Wanda out of trouble. Plus, she and Arnold were the only ones Wanda listened to. Ralphie and Carlos were enablers, and Wanda wouldn't listen to Tim, D.A., or Phoebe.

Ralphie came back with a reluctant Arnold. "Okay, I'm here. What do you guys need?" Arnold asked.

Keesha hopped down from the counter. "Watch Wanda while I go play beer pong, and before you protest and whine that you wanted to make out and violate your girlfriend, just remember that I've been on Wanda Watch--"

Arnold held up a hand and smiled. "I know you're always on Wanda Watch. Go play and have fun. I'll keep her from doing something illegal."

"Pheebs doesn't mind you're away from her?"

"She has Carlos." He wrinkled his nose a bit. "He was following her like a sad puppy, and I'll stop now because I know you're only half listening."

Keesha patted his cheek. "You're a doll."

She followed Ralphie out to the garage where three long tables were set up for beer pong. Ricky Thomson and Kelly Freeman were waiting at one of the tables, and Ralphie held up his hands.

"Let's play."

Kelly picked up a pitcher of water and began filling their ten cups (arranged in four rows: Four cups, three cups, two cups, and one cup at the "top"), and Ralphie started filling their ten. At least the Eagleton and Walkerville kids had this in common, filling the beer pong cups with water as not to waste beer. Keesha did find it weird playing against her and Ralphie's doppelgangers at first, but once she and Ralphie won the first game, she didn't care anymore. Kelly demanded best two out of three, so they reset the cups and played again.

When Ralphie and Keesha were down to four cups, Keesha said, "Diamond it."

"What?" Kelly asked.

"One, two, one," Keesha said. "Make a diamond, _duh_."

Kelly rolled her eyes but did it anyway. " _There_."

"Thank you-- What was your name again?" Keesha asked.

"Kelly."

Keesha smirked and lined up her shot. "Thank you... _Asshole_." She tossed the ping pong ball, making it in the furthest cup. "Aw, yeah!"

She and Ralphie ended up winning the best two out of three, to which Kelly demanded another rematch. Ricky sighed and leaned on the table. "Kelly, you're taking the fun out of this, so I'm out. I'm gonna go find Anna Beth."

Keesha and Ralphie high fived one another, and Kelly gave them the finger as she walked away. "We are still the beer pong champs," Keesha said. "C'mon, let's go find some more losers to beat."

* * *

Carlos could tell Phoebe's anxiety was beginning to get to her, so he offered to get her a Diet Coke from the bartender. She shook her head and said she wanted alcohol, hoping it would ease her anxiety. He got her a beer, despite knowing what little of a tolerance she had. As long as she was with him or anyone else in the gang, he knew she'd be okay. They found an empty spot on the couch, and Phoebe rested her head on his lap.

She sighed and closed her eyes. "Carlos, tell me I'm pretty."

He smiled and gave her head a gentle scratch. "Were you single, I would take you in a manly fashion."

"'Cause I'm pretty?"

"'Cause you're pretty."

Phoebe was far from ugly, but she was definitely not Carlos' type. Still, she was the most adorable girl in all of New England, as far as he was concerned. She was his "li'l Pheebs." If she had to settle for any guy, he was glad that at least it was a good (albeit sometimes arrogant) guy like Arnold. Before Arnold had asked her out, Carlos knew she was down at times because she felt it would never be with the guy she always had a strong crush on. Carlos tried cheering her up (which wasn't hard for him) and told her, "You'll find someone. You know you're cute as hell." With anyone else, she may have said that she didn't want "someone;" she wanted Arnold, but instead, she laughed and gave him a hug.

"Well, if it isn't Chet Manley!"

Phoebe sat up, and she recognized a Walkerville cheerleader. Carlos looked tense as he said to the girl, "Yeah, and is it-- I wanna say...Megan?"

"Katie!" Katie corrected. "And you said you'd call me!"

Carlos laughed. "Really? To both statements?" Katie let out a shriek before storming off. "Wow, I really don't remember her."

Phoebe cocked a brow. "'Chet Manley'? Really?"

"It's the name I use when I don't want chicks to remember who I am."

She cupped his cheek. "Carlos, I love you to pieces, but _that_ is the reason I never had romantic feelings for you."

He winked and took her hand. "I'd only break your heart, baby."

She placed the back of her other hand on her forehead and fell back on to his lap. " _Oh_ , Chet Manley!"

"You're not going to let me live that one down, huh?"

"Nope."

"Aw, c'mon, I'm sure you have a fake name for when you randomly made out with dudes."

She shook her head. "Arnold was the first boy I've ever kissed."

" _Really?_ "

She reached up and gently smacked his cheek. "Oh, don't act so surprised. But if I were single, what would be a good fake name for me?"

He thought about it for a moment. "Randi Randerson. 'Randi' with an 'i.'"

"Randi Randerson and Chet Manley," she said.

"Not as cool as Burt Macklin and Judy Snakehole, since Burt and Judy work for the FBI."

"Burt Macklin" and "Judy Snakehole" were names the two came up with in sixth grade when passing the time by playing "FBI Agents" when waiting for their friends after school one afternoon. They still used the aliases from time to time, as playing "FBI Agents" was a fun way to pass the time.

"Randi Randerson and Chet Manley sound like the types that Burt and Judy are trying to apprehend," Phoebe said.

"Oh, they totally are." He spotted Janet across the living room. "Uh oh. I think I might have to warn Timmy boy that Janet's still looking for him."

Phoebe sat up. "Go. I'll go find D.A."

"You sure?"

She smiled. "If I'm with my Golden Rose, I'll be all right. Go help Tim."

Carlos patted her back and got up. Phoebe stood up and decided to refill her beer before finding Dorothy Ann. She found her outside, sitting on a patio chair and talking to some girls Phoebe recognized from school but didn't know. Without a word, Phoebe set her beer on the table by D.A., kneeled down beside D.A.'s chair, and rested her head on her arms, which she placed on the arm rest. D.A. put her hand on Phoebe's back, continuing her conversation while gently running her manicured nails along Phoebe's shirt. Phoebe felt her anxiety begin to subside, the scent of D.A.'s perfume relaxing her. D.A. didn't need to ask what was the matter, nor did Phoebe have to explain that she was overwhelmed. D.A. knew, and the fact Phoebe didn't have to say anything to her relaxed her more.

"Janet thinks she has an edge in the election," D.A. said, "but we all know most people aren't scared of her enough to vote for her. Our class knows me and has voted for me since the eighth grade."

"Everyone does love your confidence," Girl 1 said. Phoebe didn't know the other girls' names.

"Are you going to take care of Poopy once and for all?" Girl 2 asked. "I'm tired of that bleach smell every time he strikes."

"I'd have to meet with the administration and senior class president," D.A. said, "but I have an idea of how we can trap him." She lowered her voice and added, " _And release him in to Eagleton_."

She and the other girls laughed, and Phoebe smiled to herself when she recognized it was D.A.'s "hoity toity laugh," which she used when around her rowing teammates when training in Old Walker Vale or when discussing both school and national politics. The three wrapped up their conversation, and the other two girls excused themselves to meet up with another friend. Phoebe got up when they left, and she pulled a chair closer to D.A. before she sat down.

"You know you're my trophy wife, right?" D.A. asked.

"How am _I_ a trophy? I'm dating the ultimate trophy boy."

D.A. chuckled. "I just meant you're essentially my First Lady, should I win re-election."

Phoebe mouthed a " _Wow!_ " as she looked up. "Me...the First Lady."

"Martha Washington, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jacqueline Kennedy--"

"And Pat Nixon!" Phoebe paused for a moment. "Wait, we are just naming off First Ladies, right? Did you know Edith Wilson was essentially our first female President, except no one knew? Though, I think Betty Ford was my favorite First Lady. I always felt bad for Rachel Jackson, what with what the Adams campaign did to her and all."

D.A. was well aware that one of Phoebe many random interests was the history of the First Ladies. Before D.A. could respond, she and Phoebe turned when they heard an eruption of shouts that sounded all too familiar. They turned to see Tim and Janet screaming at one another, both stopping when Ralphie, Keesha, and Carlos ran over to them.

"We're fine!" Tim said. "Everything's all right! We just need to talk."

The two of them walked off, and some of the Eagleton kids laughed. Ricky's friend Wendy raised her cup. "Here's to every Walkerville citizen who might have a bright future if they fundamentally change everything about themselves."

" _You deformed little toad!_ " Keesha shouted. Carlos and Ralphie grabbed her before she tackled Wendy.

" _Run!_ " Ralphie shouted.

He and Carlos ran as they both carried Keesha away. D.A. and Phoebe both got to their feet to run after them and leave the party, but suddenly, a massive fight broke out between the Walkerville kids and Eagleton kids. One of them knocked Phoebe over, but D.A. caught her before she hit her head on the ground. Unfortunately, her ankle had popped under her weight.

"Go without me," Phoebe said. "Save yourself!"

D.A. sighed and easily lifted the five-foot-ten, hundred and twenty-ish pound Phoebe (despite being about five inches shorter, though D.A. had the strength). "This isn't those depressing fantasy books you read, for chrissakes! No one's dying tonight."

Phoebe suddenly broke out in to a terrible rendition of "I Will Always Love You" as D.A. carried her across the backyard. "I was trying to sing like Whitney, not Dolly."

"That beer's kicking in, isn't it?" D.A. asked, chuckling.

Phoebe held tight to D.A. "You really are my Knight of Flowers. Saving my skinny butt once again."

"Thank me later when we're safe at your house or mine." D.A. managed to get them to the driveway, walking as fast as she could to where her car was parked. That's when she remembered, " _Shit_. Keesha has my keys."

"She might be at the car already, my Golden Rose of Tyrell."

"True." D.A.'s arms were growing tired, but she kept going. She nearly dropped Phoebe when she saw that not only was Ralphie's car gone but so was hers. " _Dammit!_ They forgot us again!"

Phoebe wiggled out of D.A.'s hold and put her weight on her good ankle. "Why do they--" She suddenly gagged and projectile vomit flew on to the yard of the house they were in front of. "This... _this_ is why I don't drink."

She was wobbly, so D.A. wrapped an arm around her waist to keep her up. "Beer does hit you hard at the most random times."

Phoebe wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "How-- how do we get home?"

"Are you done throwing up?"

"Yeah, I think so."

D.A. nodded and lifted her again. "Get some rest. It's a long walk back to our part of town."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is based on the Parks and Recreation episode "The Pawnee-Eagleton Tip Off Classic."
> 
> _"And she's got those Johnny Bench-ian fingers..."_ \- From Archer. From the article "The Ten Most Obscure 'Archer' Jokes - Explained": Johnny Bench is a Hall of Fame catcher who played for the Cincinnati Reds. ... After the initial episode aired Adam Reed was informed that Johnny Bench was also known for having giant fingers and was famous for a parlor trick he did where he held seven baseballs in one hand. This made for a reemergence of the Bench reference aimed at Lana Kane's monster hands ... and her "Johnny Benchian fingers" (S01E04). So, yeah, Phoebe has monster hands like Lana.
> 
> _"Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink. Say no more!"_ \- From Monty Python's Flying Circus.
> 
> _"...I'm gonna have to choke a bitch."_ \- From Chappelle's Show.
> 
> _"Holy shit, there's two of them," Ralphie said._ \- From It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
> 
> _"If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party," Tim said._ \- More Parks and Recreation.
> 
> _"G.F.O.S. Girls From Other Schools...Gee-Fohs."_ \- From Bob's Burgers, except it was BFOS...boys from other schools.
> 
> _Carlos shrugged. "Well, look on the bright side." ... "It's a figure of speech, man."_ \- More Archer.
> 
> Janet calling Carlos "Glenn" is also from Parks and Recreation. It's what Ron's ex-wife Tammy ("Tammy 2") calls Tom.
> 
> _"Thank you-- What was your name again?" ... "Thank you...Asshole."_ \- Also Archer.
> 
> _She sighed and closed her eyes. "Carlos, tell me I'm pretty." ... "'Cause you're pretty."_ \- From Firefly.
> 
> _"You'll find someone. You know you're cute as hell."_ \- From Mad Men.
> 
> _"Well, if it isn't Chet Manley!" ... Carlos laughed. "Really? To both statements?"_ \- Even more Archer. "Randi Randerson" is also kind of from Archer, though it's "Randy" with a "y."
> 
> "Burt Macklin" is Andy Dwyer's alter ego on Parks and Recreation. "Judy Snakehole" is a combo of April Ludgate's alter egos, Janet Snakehole and Judy Hitler, also from Parks. 
> 
> _"Here's to every Walkerville citizen who might have a bright future if they fundamentally change everything about themselves."_ \- Even more Parks and Recreation.


	6. Princess of Dragonstone

When the rest of the gang met back at the Ternelli house, it didn't take long for them to realize they forgot Dorothy Ann and Phoebe... _again_. Arnold took D.A.'s car out to look for them, and he was glad that D.A. remembered the directions to the Thomson house well enough to retrace her steps back to the Ternelli house. He found them still in Old Walker Vale, only a block or so from the Thomson house. Phoebe was asleep in her arms, and after Arnold pulled up to them and parked, D.A. gently laid her on the backseat, moving her long legs so her feet were on the floor.

"How is it you two are always forgotten?" Arnold asked, driving them back to the Ternelli house.

"Gee, Arn, _I don't know_. You tell me," D.A. snapped. The rest of the ride was quiet, and after Arnold parked in the street in front of the Ternelli house, D.A. got out. "Don't forget your girlfriend."

Arnold couldn't blame her for being mad, especially since this wasn't the first time the two had been left behind (accidentally, of course) at a party. He got out and opened the backdoor. He was gentle as he lifted Phoebe out, and he shut the door with his foot. How he managed to hold Phoebe and lock the car was beyond him, but he did it. He carried her inside and up to her room. The walls of Phoebe's bedroom were dark red with a white trim, and on the edge of the one high book shelf that went around the perimeter of the room were intertwined strings of white lights, which were giving off the only light.

Phoebe's full size bed was in the corner, against the same wall as her door. She had two pillows, one in a French flag pillowcase, the other in a Republic of Ireland flag pillowcase. Her white comforter with its gray and red floral design didn't match the pillowcases at all, nor did her gray sheets. Hung on the wall above her bed was the Australian flag (she had an uncle that lived there). The flag and the three movie posters ( _The Empire Strikes Back_ , _Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan_ , and _The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring_ ) on the opposite wall were the only wall decor. Her desk and dresser were the only other furniture, besides her bed and bed side table (where her lamp, alarm clock, and copies of _A Clash of Kings_ and _A Storm of Swords_ sat).

"Boy in the room!" Keesha yelled out, throwing her pillow at Arnold. She, Wanda, and D.A. were on their makeshift blanket beds on the floor, the former two wearing Ralphie's t-shirts as night gowns.

Arnold set Phoebe on her bed. "Oh, please, the eight of us have all seen each other in various states of undress." He kissed Phoebe's forehead. "Sleep well."

He shut the door behind him, and D.A. was quick to lock the door. "I don't need Carlos barging in when I'm about to undress."

"Oh, just let him peek!" Wanda said. "If I can sleep in this moth ball smelling room, you can let him see you in your granny panties!"

Keesha laughed. "Do you know what moth balls smell like? It smells nothing like moth balls in here."

"It smells stale."

"Just stop."

D.A. rolled her eyes and quickly changed in to one of Ralphie's shirts. The girls would have worn Phoebe's extra pajamas if they weren't too small. D.A. gently shook Phoebe to wake her, and she helped her get her clothes and shoes off before helping her put on her sleep t-shirt and shorts. Phoebe laid back on her French flag pillow and fell back asleep fast, and D.A. pulled her sheets and comforter over her, tucking her in before lying down on her blanket bed. The blanket beds were comfortable, thanks to the many blankets layered.

Wanda let out a groan. "I'm _bored_ and not tired."

"You know we can't leave the room with the boys here until morning," Keesha said. "Mr. T's rules."

Wanda got up. "Then I'll make my own fun." She went to Phoebe's closet and flipped the light switch up before opening the door. "For sure, there's something funny or amusing to find in here."

D.A. sighed. "Wanda, _no_."

Wanda went in. "Wanda, _yes_."

Despite Phoebe's closet being a good sized walk-in, she didn't have many clothes hanging in there or many shoes on the floor. Most of the closet appeared to be storage, such as boxes of old toys, stacked notebooks, school projects from previous years, board games, and other such things. Wanda sat on the floor by the stacks of notebooks.

"What dork would save notes from school?" She snorted. "I mean, who cares about old note-- _holy shit snacks!_ "

Keesha sighed. "What?"

Wanda came out with a few notebooks in hand and a large smile on her face. "These aren't school notes!" She went back to her blanket bed, sitting as she set out the notebooks. "Look! ' _Westeros Friend Fiction_ , by Phoebe Terese.'"

D.A. sat up and picked up one of the notebooks. "Wait, I recognize some of these words and names. She wrote stories featuring us in her favorite fantasy books."

Keesha quickly sat up and grabbed a notebook. "Holy shit snacks, let me see this!" She opened it. "'Westeros Friend Fiction Appendix and Notes,'" she read out loud. "Let's see, let's see...oh, you two should hear some of this." Wanda and D.A. put down the notebooks they had, and Keesha read on, "'The Queen on the Iron Throne, House Targaryen of King's Landing. The Targaryens are the blood of the dragon, descended from the high lords of the ancient freehold of Valyria...' yada yada yada. Oh! Wanda, you'll love this. 'While the Targaryens traditionally practice the Westeros custom of the eldest son inheriting the throne, it was Queen Lyria, a Dornishwoman, who persuaded her husband to change the law so the eldest _child_ inherited the throne. King Rhaegel's love and respect for his wife had him consider her words, and soon after, he had the law changed. When he died in 294, his eldest child Wanda took the throne as the first Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and the first Targaryen Queen not by marriage.'"

Wanda cocked a brow. "All right, I totally dig being a queen, but what the hell is a 'Targaryen'?" She waved at Keesha. "Keep reading!"

Keesha went on, "'The Targaryen banner is a three-headed dragon, red on black, the three heads. The Targaryen words are _Fire and Blood_.' Ah, Wanda you'll love this, too. This is your full title, apparently." She cleared her throat. "'Wanda of House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, Princess of Dragonstone. A girl of sixteen years, the child of King Rhaegel I Targaryen, and Queen Lyria of House Dayne of Starfall.' Oh, now I _know_ you'll love this little bit. 'Her dragon, Vhagar, named for Visenya Targaryen's dragon.'"

"I get a dragon? Bitchin'!"

Keesha flipped through the pages. "Looks like we're all in different 'houses.' So Wanda is House Targaryen of King's Landing. D.A., you are House Tyrell of Highgarden, but I'm sure you knew that. House Baratheon of Storm's End...Ralphie. House Lannister of Casterly Rock...Carlos. Oh, me! I got House Greyjoy of Pyke...huh. Let's see...Tim got House Arryn of the Eyrie. Janet-- wow, she included Janet-- she's House Bolton of the Dreadfort. Don't know what that is, but it sounds about right. Arnold is House Stark of Winterfell, and Pheebs put herself in House Tully of Riverrun."

D.A. sighed. "I _know_ we shouldn't...but-- but I kind of really want to read these."

Wanda grabbed a notebook. "Then let's read!"

D.A. _shh_ ed her. "Hang on, hang on. Look, the three of us _have_ to swear Phoebe won't find out, okay? She clearly did not want us finding these, and we _cannot_ tell the guys. Arnold probably won't care, and Carlos wouldn't dare make fun of Phoebe, but it would kill her even more if they all knew, too. All right?"

Keesha nodded. "I wasn't going to tell those clowns."

"Wanda?"

Wanda pouted. "I plomise."

"Don't pull that shit, you little sea monkey!" Keesha snapped.

Wanda rolled her eyes and heaved a sigh. " _Fine_. I pawmise."

" _Say it right!_ " Keesha and D.A. hissed.

"And show your fingers and toes," D.A. said. "I want to make sure you don't cross anything."

Keesha nodded. "Ser Dorothy Ann Tyrell of your Queensguard won't take that shit."

* * *

Since they had not heard from Tim since the party, the guys went to his house that Sunday afternoon. Tim answered the door, and the guys noticed the middle of his moustache was shaved off.

"Oh, look at that," Arnold said. "You shaved part of your moustache."

Tim shook his head. "No, it rubbed off...from friction."

The guys realized what he meant, and they all gagged. Ralphie shook it off and asked, "Is she gone?"

"We're seeing each other again tonight--"

" _No!_ " the other three snapped. They grabbed him and dragged him to Ralphie's Jeep.

Once they got him in, Arnold took out his phone and called Phoebe. "Code J. Get the girls back to your house."

"On it."

He hung up, and Ralphie drove them to his house. Keesha, Wanda, and Dorothy Ann came a few minutes later, and the eight went to the upstairs den, sitting Tim on the couch as they stood in front of him.

"Janet and I worked things out!" he argued. "We just want to be together."

Ralphie crossed his arms. "Keesha, the tape."

Keesha put a tape in the VCR, and the seven stepped aside so Tim could see the TV. He appeared on the video, having recorded it some time after he and Janet broke up. " _Hello, Tim, it's Tim_ ," video-Tim said. " _If you're watching this, it means that, once again, you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're probably thinking, 'Janet's changed. We'll be happy together.' But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain. So you have two choices: One, get rid of Janet, or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely. You stupid dick_."

Tim shrugged. "Whatever."

"That was _you_ ," D.A. said. " _You_ said all of that!"

Wanda stepped forward. "Look, Timmy, I love you like a brother, but right now, I hate you. Like my actual brother, William, who I _hate_."

"You guys just hate love!" Tim said. "None of you know what true love is like."

Arnold gestured to him and Phoebe. "We kind of do, and I can assure you, whatever twisted thing you have with my cousin isn't 'true love.'"

"Nothing anyone has with Janet is any kind of 'true love.' It's all a mummer's farce," Phoebe said.

Tim got to his feet. "Enough! Janet and I have something real, and I'm not letting you dicks come between us!"

"Phrasing!" Carlos said. Keesha elbowed him hard.

Tim walked off. "Screw you guys!"

He went downstairs, and they heard him open and then slam the front door shut. Keesha crossed her arms. "Well, that went well."

Wanda groaned. "Oh, _man_ , that means we'll have to put up with Janet more than we already do."

"Timmy-boy's doomed," Ralphie said. "He is _doomed_."

Keesha shook her head. "Seriously, Arnold, how did that sweet little aunt of yours spawn a she-demon like Janet?"

Ralphie laughed. "You realize the opposite happened with Arnold and his mother, right?"

Arnold held up his hands. "Can we not discuss my family genetics? Let's just figure out a way we can break whatever sorcery Janet is using on Tim."

Ralphie and Phoebe both snorted as they laughed. "You can't _break_ sorcery," Ralphie said.

"Maybe counter it," Phoebe said.

The others all groaned and yelled, " _Nerds!_ " before shoving the two onto the couch.

Keesha sighed as Ralphie and Phoebe got up. "Remember when Arnold and D.A. were the group's nerds? Now, they're the preppies and these two dorks are the resident nerds."

"Well, which are we, Keesha?" Ralphie asked. "Dorks or nerds?"

"Both."

D.A. held up her hands. "Uhm, _hello_ , we have a pressing matter here? What are we going to do about Tim?"

Arnold shrugged. "I could just talk to Janet--"

" _No!_ " Phoebe cried out, grabbing his arm. "I swear by the old gods and the new, now's not the time to be a Stark."

Arnold smiled. "But the Starks are the good guys. The good guys always win."

Phoebe wrapped her arms around him and held him tight. "Oh, my sweet summer child."

Wanda leaned towards Keesha. "You'd think she'd know his birthday's in January."

"February," Ralphie corrected.

"Whatever. Both winter."

* * *

The others, except Arnold, left the Ternelli house just before Suzette came home with four buckets of fried chicken (and some fried fish for Phoebe), assuming correctly that Arnold would be there for dinner. Ralphie and Phoebe had made mashed potatoes and heated up some green beans as Arnold set the table, and when all was ready, the four Ternellis and Arnold sat down to dinner.

"Boy, don't you have a home and a family?" Mark Terese asked Arnold.

"Yes, sir, but--"

"Then why are you always here?"

Suzette put her hand on Mark's. "Oh, honey, you obviously haven't met the oh-so-pleasant Jean Perlstein. No offense, Arnold."

"None taken."

"Wait," Phoebe said. "What's so bad about her? Should I worry?"

"Think Janet but in her forties and always drinking wine," Ralphie said.

Arnold sighed. "I'd argue that, but you're right."

"I know I'm going to regret suggesting this," Suzette said, "but maybe we should all have dinner together, Perlsteins and Terese-Tennellis."

Phoebe's eyes widened. "Do you think that's a good idea? I mean, the Perlsteins are high class, and we're...Al, Peg, Kelly, and Bud Bundy."

Ralphie raised his hand. "I get to be Kelly."

Arnold took Phoebe's hand and gave it a little squeeze. "It _might_ be better. Less heat taken off of you."

"What do you think, Mark?" Suzette asked.

He heaved a sigh. "Well, I don't suppose my little girl is going to be dumping the boy any time soon, huh?"

"No, Daddy," Phoebe said. "I don't plan to dump 'the boy' soon."

Mark nodded. "Fine, I suppose we can try to arrange a dinner. It wouldn't hurt to meet the boy's parents."

Arnold smiled. "Excellent! I'll talk to my parents tonight, and we can all meet at the country club next Saturday evening?"

"Oh, _hell_ no," Suzette said. "I refuse to have dinner in that godforsaken hellhole. I don't need those Ladies of Walkerville hounding me about joining, just because I'm a 'novelty.'"

Ralphie laughed and said to Arnold, "It's 'cause she's a _doctor_ who is _female_ and from _New Jersey_."

"I'm sure they won't bother you at dinner," Phoebe said. She glanced at Arnold. "Right?"

Arnold wasn't so sure, but he couldn't say that. "Right, yeah."

Suzette sighed. "I suppose this family will have to go formal wear shopping this week, then."

Ralphie scoffed. "Why? My suit's just fine."

"It's too small and has a massive gravy stain on it, you big ape!" Suzette said. "You're getting a new suit!"

Suddenly, all four broke out in to screams and shouts, so Arnold did what he usually did when that happened, and he set his fork down and moved his chair back. He was at the point that he was used to the Ternelli screaming outbreaks, so he expected that as soon as it started, it was over. He moved his chair back in place as the other four went back to eating, as if they hadn't just been screaming at each other. Though, Arnold knew it was a good thing they didn't bottle in their anger; the Ternellis never stayed mad at one another for long, thanks to their fiery tempers. On the flip side, their tempers had gotten them kicked out of restaurants and stores before. The more he thought of that, the more he thought maybe a Perlstein/Terese-Tennelli dinner wasn't such a good idea.

_I've made a huge mistake_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phoebe's "friend fiction" is from Bob's Burgers.
> 
> Wanda's mispronouncing "promise" is somewhat taken from That 70's Show.
> 
> The stuff with Tim's moustache rubbing off from friction and the tape of him and the intervention and Wanda talking about hating her brother is from Parks and Recreation.
> 
> Phoebe using "mummer's farce" and "I swear by the old gods and the new" is all from A Song of Ice and Fire.
> 
> _I've made a huge mistake._ \- From Arrested Development.


	7. Save Our Poopy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phoebe does her "saving animals" thing.

Monday morning was spent on the grassy area by the parking lot, as usual, but the gang was one short without Tim. It was unclear how long he'd be under Janet's demon spell, but the gang hoped it wouldn't be long. Wanda and Ralphie were frantically trying to finish some homework while D.A. glanced over her notes for a quiz she had that day in her Special Topics in Social Studies - Street Law class. That semester was focused on criminal law, and she'd take the civil law half in the spring. So far, she loved the class. Carlos and Keesha were reading ahead in _Of Mice and Men_ for English as Arnold sat against one of the saplings and read _A Game of Thrones_. Phoebe sat with her back against Arnold's chest while looking over her French notes to refresh herself, as the weekend seemed to drain her of her knowledge of the language.

Carlos lowered his book. "Damn, we've become quiet and boring without Timmy around."

Phoebe looked up from her notes. "It _is_ noticeably quiet."

Keesha put her book down. "It's because he doesn't have his Jetta parked right there with the windows down, blasting Led Zeppelin for all to hear."

Ralphie didn't look up from his unfinished homework. "We need Tim back, man."

"Okay, then _you_ go look in to the eye of Satan's butthole," Carlos said. The look on Arnold's face had him add, "I mean, Janet."

Arnold put his bookmark in and put the book in his backpack. "This is ridiculous. _I'll_ talk some sense in to Janet."

"I was right in making you a Stark," Phoebe said, keeping her eyes on her notes. "You have too much honor."

"I admit, Ned Stark does some things I'd do--" Arnold began, but Phoebe cut him off.

"Ned Stark does _all_ things like you'd do."

"To be fair, you'd do the same stuff as Catelyn," Arnold said.

She looked up at him and winked. "This is why I made myself a Tully."

He wrapped his arms around him and held her tight. "That you did, moon of my life." She smiled at him, and he said, "I know we're Ned and Cat, but the nickname was _perfect_ for you."

She kissed his cheek. "If you say so, sun of my life."

The others all yelled out a " _No!_ " and threw their pencils and pens at them. "Stop being disgustingly coupley!" Keesha said.

Everyone's attention shifted towards the parking lot where some of the cheerleaders and their boyfriends were standing around one of the girls' car. Janet and Tim were among them, and it was Janet and Tim's yelling that got the gang's attention. Phoebe moved out of Arnold's hold so he could get up. Carlos and Ralphie went with him, the girls deciding to let them handle it for once, as the girls handled the last time Janet and Tim had a huge fight in sophomore year.

The guys got there just in time to hear Janet yell, "You're a joke! You're not even a man anymore! Oh, and by the way, last night I faked four out of the seven."

Tim's expression remained hard and cold. "So did I."

Ralphie and Carlos took Tim by the arms and pulled him away as Arnold went to his cousin. "Are you done fucking around with my friends?"

She smirked. "Oh, Timmy will be back for more. As for those other idiots, well, they're fun to play with... _especially_ that flat-chested peasant you're slumming with."

Arnold grinned. "Insult her one more time and I'll go tell her you hit me again. You could use a matching bruise on the other side."

The look of shock and slight horror on her face satisfied him, and he turned around, walking back to his friends. She wouldn't admit it, but Arnold knew a part of Janet was now actually a little afraid of Phoebe.

* * *

Phoebe was doing her homework on the bleachers of the football field behind the school. It was also home to the track and doubled as the soccer field. Arnold and Ralphie were using the track for some after school running (as were some other students), and Phoebe decided she'd wait for them, as opposed to being home alone for a few hours. It was a gorgeous afternoon, so she didn't mind sitting out there. The varsity girls soccer team was holding its tryouts on the field for the upcoming winter and spring seasons, but she wasn't paying much attention to them.

" _Heads up!_ "

Phoebe's instinct was to look up, and as she did, she saw a soccer ball come her way. Her next instinct was to hold her left hand up, and her long fingers easily grabbed it. She looked at the ball for a moment before realizing the coaches and girls trying out were all look at her with stunned expressions. Phoebe set her books down and stepped down the bleachers to return the ball. The head coach walked over to her and took the ball.

"That was some catch, girl," she said. "You ever play before?"

Phoebe nodded. "When I was a kid. Made a goal once but I think it was pure luck." Looking back on that game against her "old school," Wamapoke Elementary ("Home of the Mighty Bulldogs!"), she felt her game winning goal was absolute luck. She never did have that luck again.

"Have you ever played goalkeeper?"

Phoebe shook her head. "No, ma'am."

"How tall are you?"

Phoebe shrugged. "Five-ten, I think?"

"Perfect, perfect." The coach turned to the girl by the goal. "Simmons! Step aside!" She looked at Phoebe. "I want to see if you can repeat what you just did..."

"Phoebe."

"Last name?"

"Terese."

The coach gently pushed her to the goal. "Ladies! Terese is going to play goalkeeper! Line up for goal shots!"

Phoebe wasn't dressed for soccer, with her jeans, hi-top boots, and flannel shirt over a tank top, but she'd try to give it her best. She took off her flannel shirt, putting it down at the base of the goal. Her heart was racing. She had no idea how to play goalie. Well, obviously, she knew she had to keep the balls out, but she knew she couldn't repeat the catch she made on the bleachers.

She took a deep breath and stood in the middle of the goal. "Ready," she said.

The first girl kicked, and Phoebe let her mind go quiet and her body take over. She easily blocked the shot, her long arms helping. The second girl kicked, and Phoebe jumped, her hands making the easy catch. Thirteen more girls, thirteen more catches and blocks. Finally, her long arms, long legs, and massive hands did her some good. The coach wanted her to make some kicks and throws, which Phoebe thought she could do. She pretended the ball was the remote she was kicking away from Ralphie's hands, and it went sailing over the girls and past midfield. For once, she was happy to have large feet.

"Ladies!" The coach was smiling as she walked to Phoebe. "Meet your new varsity goalkeeper!"

* * *

"No goddamn way," Ralphie said.

"Way," Phoebe said.

"No _goddamn_ way."

" _Way_."

They walked in the house from the driveway, Ralphie still stunned from having seen her at the soccer tryouts and the fact she had randomly made a varsity team.

"Well, you _have_ to let me be your training coach," Ralphie said. "You need to build up some endurance and strength in between practices and shit."

They found their parents sitting in the living room, both of which turned when they heard the kids come in. "Dinner will be ready soon," Suzette said.

"Guess what happened this afternoon," Ralphie said.

"I made--"

Ralphie cut her off. "Pheebs made the varsity soccer team! She's the new goalie!"

Mark and Suzette's jaws dropped, and after both said their congratulations, Suzette stood up and pulled Phoebe in a tight hug. "We _have_ to go get you the best equipment! Oh, my God! My daughter is on a varsity team!" She kept one arm around Phoebe's shoulders as she looked off in the distance. "Just think about it...when you're playing on the U.S. women's team in the Olympics and Women's World Cup, I'll be able to tell everyone, 'That's _my_ girl!'"

Ralphie threw his arms up. "You weren't this excited when I made varsity football and hockey as, you know, a _freshman_. You don't fantasize about me in the Super Bowl or Winter Olympics?"

Suzette closed her eyes. "Shh, I'm picturing Phoebe helping the U.S. women's team win the gold medal in Beijing and again in 2012."

"Aw, _come on!_ " Ralphie snapped. "You actually gave birth to _me!_ "

Suzette kept a tight hold on Phoebe as she snapped back at Ralphie, "I'm trying to have a moment with the only daughter I'll ever have!"

Phoebe coughed. " _Suzette_...I can't... _breathe_."

"Stay out of this, Phoebe!" Ralphie said. "No! Never mind! I'm going to my room!"

He stormed out of the room, and Suzette continued to hold Phoebe. "Tomorrow, after school, we'll go shopping for shoes, athletic wear, and whatever else you need."

"Still... _can't breathe._ "

Suzette let go. "Oh, sorry, honey."

* * *

Dorothy Ann didn't care if she hadn't won the elections yet; she was still class president from sophomore year after all. She was going around to make note of the water fountains around the school early the next morning in hopes of making a change to them. For some reason, people in Walkerville tended to drink from the water fountains by putting their entire mouths on them. She wanted to fix that problem, and she decided to start with her peers. The fountains and Poopy were two things she was definitely addressing in her debate speech, especially Poopy. It was time something was done about him (and Fairway Frank, the possum who lived on the country club golf course, but that was a city matter, not the school).

When she finished jotting down the fountain locations, D.A. put her "presidential notebook" in her locker and took out her backpack, which was packed for her first three classes. She opted to kill time in the library until the ten minute bell, but she stopped when she spotted Phoebe at her locker. "You're here early," she said.

Phoebe nodded as she dug around her mess. It was barely the second week of school and her locker was already a mess. D.A. wasn't surprised. "Yeah, I was hoping to help trap Poopy, but the administrators said no student volunteers and that animal control is on it." She sighed. "They're going to kill him, aren't they?"

D.A. put an arm around her shoulders. "They might let him go free in Eagleton, where he can poop in _their_ high school's cafeteria."

"I have to trap him myself, D.A. It's the only way I can make sure Poopy isn't killed."

D.A. loved Phoebe to bits, but this was one of those times she wanted to shake her and give her a firm "NO!" Instead, she said, "Phoebe, maybe you should leave it to the professionals."

"Professionals? I've met those guys from animal control before. They're a bunch of inefficient burnouts." She shook her head. "No, I must trap Poopy myself. You can help me if you want, but I'm gonna do it anyway."

"You're not going to start a committee, are you? S.O.P.? 'Save Our Poopy'?"

Phoebe's face lit up. "Yes! My Golden Rose of Tyrell is a genius!"

D.A. instantly regretted that she said that. "Phoebe, _no_."

"Phoebe, _yes_." She took a blue windbreaker out of her locker and put it on before putting on her backpack. "I'll have to make some plans during study hall."

D.A. noticed her jacket and was glad for the opportunity to change the subject. "Varsity soccer?"

"Oh! Right, yeah. I made the team." Phoebe told her what happened the afternoon before. "And now I'm the new goalie."

D.A. smiled and took her hand. "Congratulations! Welcome to the jock club."

Phoebe winked. "Ralphie would say tennis and rowing aren't 'jock sports.'" She sighed. "He's still upset, though, because Suzette was more excited for me than she was for him making varsity sports."

"Huh, when I made varsity tennis, my mother only nodded and said 'That's nice.' Then again, there's only two of you Ternellis, and I'm fourth of five girls."

* * *

Tim drew up signs for Phoebe, and she had them copied and taped up in the school the next morning. D.A. and Keesha stood with her in the courtyard during Wednesday's lunch hour so she wouldn't be alone when no one showed up to help her. The guys and Wanda would have joined if Tim wasn't hiding in the art studio from Janet, Carlos didn't have a quiz to make up, Arnold and Ralphie weren't using their lunch and study hall hour to train in the weight room, and Wanda wanted to help out

"No one's coming," Keesha said. "Everyone here hates Poopy. You're the only one who doesn't want his head mounted on the cafeteria wall."

Phoebe gasped. "Keesha, that's _awful!_ " She sighed and stood up from the bench they were sitting on. "Time to come up with another plan."

"What are you going to do?" D.A. asked, hesitant to know.

Phoebe put her fist on her chest and held her head high. "Cry 'Havoc!' and let slip the hogs of war."

"'Dogs' of war," Keesha corrected.

Phoebe turned towards her. "Whatever farm animal of war, _Keesha!_ This is important!" She took a deep breath. "I'm going to get a humane trap and come back tonight to trap Poopy."

At the same time, D.A. and Keesha said, "Phoebe, _no_."

She smiled. "Phoebe, _yes._ "

* * *

Everyone was assembled in the school courtyard that night, all of them in all black. Phoebe had a humane trap and some cat food to lure Poopy, which Ralphie was helping her carry. Keesha noticed Carlos was the only one in long sleeves.

"Oh, my God, is that a turtleneck?"

Carlos looked at his shirt. "It's a _tactle-neck_. This is the perfect shirt for a stealth mission, and this was the perfect time to wear it, finally."

" _Shh!_ " Phoebe said. "You're going to scare off Poopy."

"Not likely," Ralphie said. "This whole town's overrun with raccoons. Hell, for all we know, Poopy isn't just one raccoon."

He and Phoebe set the trap cage down near the doors to the cafeteria. "Still," Phoebe said, "better we set a trap than Poopy getting caught and beheaded." She pulled the top off of the small can of cat food and put it in the cage. "And now we wait."

"No, no, _no_ ," Ralphie said. "We are _not_ waiting here all night for this little bastard."

"But if he's trapped and--"

Ralphie cut her off. "Come back at the ass crack of dawn, then."

Phoebe sighed. " _Fine_ , but I'm using the Jeep to transport him to a safer location."

"Deal."

Arnold smiled. "She's so cute when she gets all activist."

Keesha cocked a brow. "So the sex is that good, huh?"

Ralphie shot her a look, but before he said anything (or Arnold and Phoebe could deny they were having sex), they heard voices coming near them. The eight froze in place, and they saw six figures coming closer to the courtyard. They sounded like students, but as they came closer, the eight knew who they were right away. Their Eagleton counterparts, too, were all dressed in black, and they were carrying a small cage.

"He said their cafeteria got shat in by a raccoon," Kelly Freeman said. "Let's see how they feel when more raccoons trash the place."

Keesha sniffed the air. "You guys smell that?" she said, making herself loud. "I smell Eagleton shit."

"No, I think it's just the air here in Six Flags Over the Shittier Parts of Chernobyl," Wendy Lu said.

"Let that poor animal out of that cage!" Phoebe said.

"We plan to," Tom Royce said. "In your shitty school. Ha! 'Cause it's covered in raccoon shit!"

They opened the cage, but the raccoon went right for Phoebe's cage, getting trapped. Carla Rodriguez pouted. "Damn, these Walkerville raccoons are just as stupid as the people."

" _That's it!_ " Wanda snapped.

Before she could jump her, Carlos and Tim grabbed her, holding her back. Phoebe picked up the cage with the raccoon in it. "C'mon, guys, let's go free this poor little thing."

"Go back to your hell on earth," Ralphie said to the Eagleton kids.

"Happily," Ronnie Perlman said. "Enjoy your Walkerville caviar."

They laughed, and Carlos shook his head as they walked to where their cars were parked. "What was that supposed to mean?"

"Who cares?" Ralphie asked. "Let's just free this raccoon."

Carlos laughed. "Eagleton, here we come."

Phoebe put the cage in the backseat of the Jeep , and she climbed in, sitting next to it. Ralphie and Keesha had driven everyone, so Keesha followed behind Ralphie as he drove to Lafayette Park. He helped Phoebe carry the cage to the grassy area near the town border, careful not to set it down anywhere fluorescent light tubes were smashed. They crossed the town line on the clean grass, and they set the raccoon free.

Ralphie saluted the raccoon. "Go forth and poop on Eagleton, little guy."

Keesha nodded and said, "Who knew, for once, one of Phoebe activist ideas would actually work?"

"They were bound to some day," Ralphie said.

They started walking back to where the cars were parked, and Phoebe pouted. "You guys make it sound like my ideas are bad."

Arnold wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her close to kiss her cheek. "Don't listen to them. Your ideas are great."

Keesha cocked a brow at him. "Really? _That_ good, huh?"

At the same time, Arnold and Phoebe shouted, " _We're not having sex!_ " as Ralphie snapped, " _Stop it!_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"Okay, then you go look in to the eye of Satan's butthole," Carlos said._ \- From Parks and Recreation. 
> 
> _"You're a joke! You're not even a man anymore! Oh, and by the way, last night I faked four out of the seven."  
>  Tim's expression remained hard and cold. "So did I."_ \- Also Parks and Recreation.
> 
> The water fountain thing, Fairway Frank, and the animal control guys being burnouts are all from Parks and Recreation, as well.
> 
> _"What are you going to do?"..."Whatever farm animal of war, Keesha!..."_ \- From Archer.
> 
> _Carlos looked at his shirt. "It's a tactle-neck..."_ \- More Archer. From the Archer wiki: "A black turtleneck is Archer's preferred clothing item when on covert spy missions. He often takes credit for being the first to recognize its use as a tactical garment."
> 
> "Six Flags Over the Shittier Parts of Chernobyl" is also from Archer.


	8. Her Pheebness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ralphie and Arnold play "Bad Coach, Good Coach."

Phoebe let out a sound she was not proud of when someone slammed her locker shut that Thursday morning. She followed the hand and arm to see Tiffany Woods and two other girls from the soccer team ("Holt" and "Sato," telling from their jackets). They were shorter than Tiffany, but they had the look of two manicured goons wearing heavy make-up.

"Look, rookie," Tiffany said, "us seniors plan to have another winning season, and if you fuck it up in _any way_ , we will stuff you in a locker."

"Or duct tape you to the goal post," Sato said.

Phoebe swallowed hard. "I-- I don't intend to--" She felt a wave of relief when she saw Arnold walking towards her. "Arnold!"

He smiled and went to her. "Hey." He pulled her in a hug and kissed her cheek.

Tiffany's brows raised. "Oh, my God."

Arnold turned when he realized there were other girls standing there. "Oh, Tiffany, hey." He nodded to the other two. "Kate, Grace."

"You're dating the rookie?" Grace Sato asked.

He nodded. "Since July."

Tiffany clenched her jaw. "We broke up in _May_."

Phoebe was well aware Tiffany and Arnold had dated. She was the only other girl that dated him for more than a couple of weeks. But it wasn't like Phoebe was going to bring any of that up. She hadn't expected Arnold to hug and kiss her when he joined the girls at her locker.

Arnold nodded. "And then I asked Phoebe on a date in July, and here we are."

Tiffany's nostrils flared. "All the more reason the rookie better not fuck up this season." She snapped her fingers. "Ladies."

Tiffany and Grace turned to leave, but Kate Holt hit her hand on a locker and then held up her fists in the air as she walked backwards. She let out a "Kate Holt!" before turning around and walking off with the other two.

Phoebe sighed. "I should have expected hazing, but not from my boyfriend's ex."

"Tiffany's all talk. So is Grace. Once you prove yourself to them, they'll like you. Kate Holt...well, I honestly think the poor girl's taken one too many soccer balls to the head."

* * *

Carlos ran to the cafeteria when the bell rang for lunch. The other seven were sitting at their usual spot, and he took the empty spot between Ralphie and Keesha (and across from Phoebe). "The Pheeb! Her Pheebness! Pheeber! El Pheebolino, if you're not in to the whole brevity thing."

Phoebe swallowed her bite of sandwich. "You're quoting _The Big Lebowski_ , so you must have big news for me."

Keesha rolled her eyes and laughed. "And we're all _so_ excited to hear it."

Carlos chose to ignore that. "You, me, _Lebowski_ , tomorrow night. I bought it cheap at the Video Dome!"

Arnold cleared his throat. "Uhm, what's going on?"

Carlos held up his hand. "Forget it, Arnold, you're out of your element!"

Arnold furrowed his brows. "You come running in here like a small child hopped up on sugar, and you start in with inside jokes with my girlfriend, _so_..."

"Bro, have you seen _The Big Lebowski_?" Carlos asked.

"No."

"So you have no frame of reference here, Arnold. You're being a real Donny right now, man."

" _I don't even know what the hell you're talking about!_ "

Phoebe put her hand on his arm to calm him down. "It's a Coen brothers film."

"Same guys who did _Fargo?_ " She nodded. "Think I'd like it?"

Before Phoebe could answer, Carlos pointed a hard finger at him. " _No!_ This is me and Pheebs' thing! You can't have it!"

"You're not allowed to have secret things with other guys' girlfriends!" Arnold snapped.

"Hasn't stopped him before," Tim said.

Ralphie laughed and high-fived him, but his smile quickly faded. "Wait...this involves my step-sister." He punched Carlos on the arm. "Dick!"

" _Ow!_ Why'd you hit _me_? Tim was the one who said it!"

Dorothy Ann let out an irritated sigh. "As much fun as this is, I think I'm going to go read over my speech in the library."

Phoebe grabbed her hand as she stood. "No! Stay! I promise they'll behave." She looked at the boys. " _Behave_."

Carlos pouted some. "I'm perfectly calm, Pheebs."

"Carlos..."

"Calmer than you are."

D.A. sat down, unable to walk away from those large Phoebe Terese eyes and that Phoebe Terese pout. She gave Phoebe's hand a squeeze. "For you, I'll stay."

Keesha tossed a Dorito at them. "Ah, just make out already!"

* * *

The Ternelli garage housed Ralphie's weight rack, a bench press, and a pull up bar mounted on the wall. Ralphie was in there training every other evening and Saturday and Sunday mornings, but on this Saturday morning, he was going to be the training coach. He was getting everything set up when he saw the gray Porsche pull up the driveway and park behind the Jeep and Suzette's Lexus. Arnold got out, clad in his blue "WALKERVILLE ATHLETICS" shorts (the same ones Ralphie was wearing), a white tanktop, and his running shoes.

"Can't hang, bro," Ralphie said as Arnold walked in the garage. "Training Phoebe this morning."

"I know. She told me. That's why I'm here."

Ralphie scoffed. "What, you gonna be the 'good coach' to my 'bad coach'?"

Arnold grinned. "Phoebe's not used to coaches yelling at her, so she'll need the 'good coach,' the sweet to your sour."

Ralphie smirked. "The honey to my vinegar?"

They heard the side door of the house open, and they saw Phoebe come out. She had on her cut-off sweats, which stopped at her knees, a gray tanktop, and her athletic shoes. Her hair was pulled up in a messy ponytail, the shorter strands held back by a headband.

"All right, I think I'm ready," she said. "Let's get this over with."

Arnold took her hand and pulled her closer to him. "First, before Ralphie goes all Coach Hardass on you, let's do some warm up stretches."

He led her through some easy stretches as Ralphie began to bounce on the balls of his feet. Before he grew too impatient, he went to the old boombox on the shelf and put in his work out mix tape. Phoebe jumped and yelped as the sounds of death metal echoed through the garage.

" _Dammit_ , Ralphie!" she screamed.

"Turn it off!" Arnold said.

Ralphie hit "STOP." "What? Phoebe needs music to pump her up."

She placed her hand on her chest. "'Pump up,' not 'give a heart attack.'" She took a couple of deep breaths and shook her head. "No music for now, please."

Ralphie gestured to the bench. "Fine, fine. C'mon, maggot, let's lift the barbell."

Phoebe furrowed her brows. "Don't call me names."

"Would you prefer 'Face Ass' or 'Mouse Ears'?"

Her nostrils flared. "Depends on if you prefer 'Pit Stains' or 'Buffalo Butt.'"

Ralphie pointed a hard finger at her. "Okay, first off, you took that last one from _Good Times_!"

"You still have a big ass, you horse's ass!"

Arnold saw his window to jump in between the two before another Ternelli Smack Down '03 took place. He feared that if he didn't, with all of the sharp tools and heavy weights around them, one of them would end up needing stitches and the other false teeth.

He stood between the fuming Ternellis and placed a hand on each one's shoulder. "I really don't feel like mopping up anyone's blood right now, so," he pulled them closer and wrapped his arms around each one's waist, "can't we just get along?"

Ralphie rolled his eyes. "I _guess_." He placed a massive hand on the top of Phoebe's head and ruffled her hair, messing up her ponytail even more. "You're like the weird little brother I wasn't sure I wanted."

She smacked his hand away. "And you're the older jock brother I never wanted."

Arnold gave them both a little squeeze. "So we're all good here?"

Ralphie wrapped his arm around Arnold's shoulders. "We have a good man here, Pheebs."

She wrapped her arm around Arnold's waist. "You don't have to tell me." She sighed. "If my Golden Rose of Tyrell was here, then the square would be complete."

Ralphie rubbed his chin. "Hm, me and D.A.?"

Phoebe smacked his arm. "She's too good for you, and you know it!"

Arnold squeezed them one more time before letting go. "We were going to train Phoebe, remember?"

The Ternellis gave one another a dirty look before going to the weight bench. Phoebe sat on the bench and lay back as Ralphie took the weights off the barbell. "All right, the bar's probably about forty pounds or so, so let's see if you can lift that."

"I can do it," she said.

"You might be freakishly strong, but this is a muscle group you don't use much," Ralphie said.

"Just lower the bar."

She gripped tight to the bar as Ralphie slowly lowered it. He kept his hands between the bar and her chest, knowing that if she lost her grip, the metal would easily shatter her bones. She began lifting, but she realized (and hated) that Ralphie was right. Her face reddened as she continued to lift, and Arnold stepped forward.

"How about you use the smaller weights first," he said. "We'll build you up to the barbell."

"Wait..." she gasped. Her arms straightened out. "Got... _it._ "

Ralphie took the bar from her. "Sweet 'n' Low's right. Let's work your way up to the bar."

Phoebe sat up. " _Fine_."

Ralphie handed her the ten pound weights before getting one of the twenty-five pound weights himself. "Let's do some bicep curls."

He worked her through some different weight lifts, and she took a water break. Arnold stretched his legs and arms, and when she was done with her break, he nodded towards the driveway.

"C'mon, let's work on building up your running stamina," he said. "You're on the soccer team, after all."

"Yeah, but I'm the goalie."

Ralphie laughed. "You really think the coach cares? I _guarantee_ she'll have you doing the running drills and shit, just like everyone else."

Phoebe sighed. "All right, let's do this."

She followed after Arnold down the driveway, Ralphie bringing up the rear. She knew Arnold was holding back, as he tended to jog gods knew how many miles every other morning, but he kept slow so she could keep up. By the time they reached the end of the street, her sides were killing her, and her throat hurt from breathing so hard. She took a short break before following Arnold back to the house. She nearly collapsed on the front yard, so Arnold lifted her up and carried her inside.

"I can't do this," she panted as he set her down at the breakfast table. Ralphie handed her a cold Gatorade. "It's too much."

"It's only our first day training you," Ralphie said. "I guarantee that by the middle of October, you'll be ready when the season starts in November."

Arnold nodded. "I'll get you started on a nutrition plan, and Ralphie and I will train you a little bit everyday."

Phoebe took a drink of her Gatorade. "Says the boys with the muscles."

"Pheebs, do you remember what we looked like before the muscles?" Ralphie asked. "This one," he gestured to Arnold, "was a skinny weakling."

"And Ralphie was fat."

"Husky," Ralphie said.

Arnold shook his head. "Fat."

"Robust."

"Let's be clear: Fat."

Ralphie shot him a look of annoyance before looking at Phoebe. "Before you know it, we'll have you being the next-- uhm, the next..."

"Briana Scurry?" Phoebe asked. Ralphie shrugged. "She was the starting goalkeeper for the U.S. women's team in the 1995 World Cup, the 1996 Olympics, and the 1999 and 2003 World Cups. She's, like, one of the best in the world. In her first year with Team USA, she earned seven shutouts in twelve starts. At the ninety-six Olympics, in which Team USA won gold, she started and played in every minute in all five matches, _and_ she allowed only three goals. She played every minute in the ninety-nine World Cup, which Team USA won, allowing only three goals and recorded four shutouts." She took another drink. "I've done my research."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kate Holt is based off of the Arrested Development character, Steve Holt. I took the name "Grace Sato" from Mass Effect 3.
> 
> _"...if you're not in to the whole brevity thing."  
>  "Forget it, Arnold, you're out of your element!"  
> "So you have no frame of reference here, Arnold..."   
> "I'm perfectly calm, Pheebs."  
> "Calmer than you are."_ \- These are all quotes from The Big Lebowski, just with name changes, of course.
> 
> _Ralphie smirked. "The honey to my vinegar?"_ \- From It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
> 
> _"And Ralphie was fat." ... "Let's be clear: Fat."_ \- Somewhat from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia as well.


	9. Her?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Family dinner at the country club.

Suzette was convinced Jean Perlstein agreed to have dinner on Saturday evening as to catch the Terese-Tennellis off guard in hopes of embarrassing them when they came underdressed to the country club. Her paranoia paid off, and she had her family go clothing shopping the Friday before. Ralphie was looking himself over in the mirror hanging on his door, actually liking how his new suit looked and fit. It wasn't too big or too small, and he had to admit he looked pretty damn good.

There was a knock on his door. "Come in," he said.

Phoebe walked in, dressed in her new sleeveless, dark-blue-with-white-polka-dots dress. "Please zip me up. I'm beginning to get sore from earlier."

She turned, and Ralphie zipped up her dress. "Pop some Advil and drink a lot of water. It'll pass."

"Thanks, I'll remember that for next time." Her back was to Ralphie, but the tone of her voice told him she had rolled her eyes. The doorbell rang. "Oh, that would be Arnold."

Ralphie followed her out of his room. "Why doesn't he just meet us there?"

Phoebe slipped on her matching blue flats and picked up her white cardigan from the den sofa. "Because he has our guest passes, and it'll be easier having a member of the club in the car with us." She went downstairs, putting on her cardigan as she did, and she opened the door, letting Arnold in. "Well, someone looks handsome, as always."

Arnold was wearing a three-piece, dark blue suit. It was fitted to his lean frame, but it didn't look tight or too small. His shirt was a pale blue, and his bowtie had a blue and white tartan pattern. His black loafers were shined, and his thick, soft curls were styled up in the perfect, fluffy way Phoebe adored. If Ralphie wasn't standing behind her, and she didn't fear Suzette and her father walking down hall at any minute, she would have grabbed Arnold by the jacket and pressed her lips on his. _The Others take this boy for always looking so darn good!_

Instead, Arnold gave her a kiss on the cheek. "And someone else looks beautiful, as always."

Ralphie came down the stairs. "That'd be me, bro."

Arnold smiled. "Oh, hey! No gravy stain! And I can't see your white socks! New suit?"

Ralphie opened his jacket to show off his ironed shirt, which was tucked neatly into his slacks. "Perlstein approved?"

"Very much so," Arnold said. He turned to Phoebe and slid his arm around her waist, pulling her close. "And _you_ look ravishing, my dear."

"My, my, Lord Stark, aren't you quite the charmer?"

"I only speak the truth, Lady Tully."

Suzette and Mark came down the hallway just then, both dressed and ready to go. "I thought I smelled over-priced cologne," Mark said.

Arnold closed eyes and tried not to sigh. "Hello, Mr. Terese."

"You kids ready?" Suzette asked.

Ralphie walked past Arnold and Phoebe to lock the front door. "All ready. Let's go."

Suzette and Mark led the way to the kitchen door that went out to the driveway, and the five got in Suzette's Lexus RX. Arnold sat in between Ralphie and Phoebe, saving Phoebe from having to sit in the middle (as she most often had to, being the skinniest in the gang). Arnold took Phoebe's hand in his, and she positioned her hand so their fingers were intertwined.

He leaned close to her and said, "Don't be too nervous. My mother is a hard woman, I admit, but by this point, she's most likely a few glasses of wine in, so she'll hopefully be in a good mood."

"I trust you, but I'm more afraid of a woman I've never properly met."

"I'll steer her away from you if things get heated. Don't worry, I can get her to criticize me, easy."

Phoebe rested her head on his shoulder. "Oh, my noble and heroic direwolf of Winterfell." She smiled. "Sun of my life."

He gave her hand a squeeze. "Moon of my life."

Ralphie groaned and rolled his eyes. "Ma! Phoebe and Arnold are being all lovey-dovey and calling each other nicknames from Phoebe's books."

Arnold put his free arm around Ralphie's shoulders. "Aw, would you rather I used nicknames with you, my Strong and Noble Stag of Baratheon?"

"Dude! Contrary to the others' belief, you and I are not the male versions of Dorothy Ann and Phoebe."

Arnold nodded. "This is true. Phoebe would leave me for D.A., but I don't think I could leave Phoebe for you, bro."

Ralphie put his hand on his heart. "What, bro? That... _that_ hurts!"

Phoebe closed her eyes and sighed as she pressed her face against Arnold's shoulder. "Seven hells, let this dinner go all right."

"Don't underestimate us," Ralphie said. "You know our family's motto: 'Maybe we'll get lucky this time.'"

They were soon at the country club, Arnold showing the gate guard his member I.D. Suzette parked in a guest spot, and the five got out. Phoebe looped her arm around Arnold's, and he led the way as he escorted them in. When they reached the doors of the restaurant, the maître d' recognized Arnold.

"Ah, Mr. Perlstein, your parents are waiting inside. Please, follow me."

Phoebe felt her anxiety rise even more. The restaurant was finely decorated, and there was a string quartet softly playing in one corner. Everyone was dressed impeccably, and the large windows overlooked the Vale Cove, the waterway that emptied out in to Narragansett Bay. Phoebe could see the lights of the boats that were sailing by. Her attention moved forward when she realized they were nearing the round table the Perlsteins were at. Stephen Perlstein was sitting and enjoying a drink in his tumbler, but Jean Perlstein was standing as she talked to another woman.

"...and so I told her, 'Well, I'd rather be dead in Rhode Island than alive in New Jersey.'"

" _Jesus Christ_ ," Phoebe heard Suzette mutter behind her.

Arnold cleared his throat. "Hey, Mom."

Jean nodded to her friend. "I'll see you at our next Ladies of Walkerville meeting." She turned to Arnold. "Hello, son."

Arnold looked at Phoebe and smiled. "This is my girlfriend, Phoebe."

Jean raised her brows. "Her?"

Stephen stood and held his hand out to Phoebe, which she shook. "Stephen Perlstein," he said, smiling. "It's nice to finally meet you formally, Phoebe."

She nodded, letting go of his hand. "It's nice to meet you, Mr. Perlstein." She looked at Jean, and she quickly darted her eyes down when she saw the icy glare Jean was giving her. "Hi, Mrs. Perlstein."

Arnold gestured to the other Ternellis. "And this is Phoebe's father, Mark Terese." Mark nodded but didn't smile. "And you know Ralphie and his mother, Dr. Suzette Tennelli."

Suzette and Jean both gave one another hard stares. "Jean," Suzette said.

Jean nodded. "Suzette."

They all sat down, and the waiter took everyone's drink orders. Once he was gone, Jean didn't hesitate to start with Phoebe. "So, tell me, _girl_ , what is it that you do, exactly?"

Phoebe's eyes widened. "I, uhm--"

Arnold took her hand. "Phoebe just recently made the girls' varsity soccer team. She's the team's new goalkeeper. She's very involved with volunteer work, and she does part-time work at the animal shelter and a vet clinic. She was also responsible for safely getting rid of Poopy the raccoon."

Jean took a drink of her wine. _Arbor gold_ , Phoebe thought. "Well, maybe the soccer will get her in to a halfway decent school."

Mark and Suzette squeezed one another's hands under the table as Suzette said, "Phoebe can get in to any college she wants to, _and_ she has the financial backing for it."

Jean smirked. "Oh, yes, I'm sure you want her to go to your alma mater? I don't suppose it was Yale or Columbia?"

Suzette flared her nostrils. "I went to Rutgers."

"Ah, yes, a New Jersey state school."

Phoebe could see the vein in Suzette's temple becoming bigger, or so it seemed. She knew her step-mother didn't come from much (neither had her father or her mother), and she worked her hardest to get through her undergrad years and saved her money to go to medical school at Rutgers. Everything Suzette accomplished was all due to her own hard work, and if Jean Perlstein wasn't careful, she was going to say something to trigger Suzette's physical anger.

Phoebe's voice cracked as she broke the tension, "So, Mr. Perlstein, Arnold says your family is in the shipping business?"

Stephen smiled. "Ah, yes, out of Providence. My grandfather started the company in Jamestown before moving it to Providence."

Phoebe felt her chest tighten from the feel of Jean Perlstein's icy glare on her, but talking to Stephen kept the tension low. "So are you from Providence?"

"Born there, grew up in Newport."

"I hear Newport is beautiful."

Arnold smiled and took her hand. "We should go some time. I can take you sailing out there."

At the same time, Mark and Jean snapped, " _No_."

Mark sighed. "There's only so much of this I can take. Stephen, you seem like a nice fella, but I already cannot stand your wife, and your son has been getting on my nerves since the night he first took my daughter on a date." He turned to Suzette. "Suzette, kids, let's leave."

Ralphie clapped his hands. "Hot damn! Yes, let's leave. I want real food."

Jean took a drink of her wine. "Son, why couldn't you have continued dating one of the lovely girls you used to?"

Arnold took a drink of his water and smirked at her as he put his glass down. "Well, Mom, I suppose I wanted to date a girl who's not completely self-absorbed and impossible to have a conversation with."

Jean shot him a hard look. "If that's a veiled criticism about me, I won't hear it, and I won't respond to it." She took another drink of her wine, and she turned to Phoebe. "So, your family said something about leaving?"

Suzette held up her hands. "Hang on. Yes, Jean is an unpleasant woman, which is no secret, but Mark, you, Ralphie, and I are here for Phoebe, just as I'm sure Stephen and Jean are here for Arnold. Let's just all try to get along and play nice for Arnold and Phoebe, all right?" She looked at Arnold. "So, how's swim team coming along?"

"Still hold the school's record time for the butterfly stroke," Arnold said, "but that might be because I'm one of the small few in high school that actually likes doing the butterfly stroke."

Phoebe smiled and kept her eyes on him as she said, "I love that your favorite style is the butterfly."

He smiled back at her. "Well, someone once said 'butterflies are full of surprises' and proved that they're not only beautiful but tough." He ignored the gagging sounds coming from Ralphie. "It's a difficult stroke but looks good when done well." Phoebe felt her cheeks warm, knowing he was talking about when she wanted to name their elementary soccer team "the Butterflies." Arnold glanced at Suzette as he added, "I'm also thinking of doing diving this year, as well."

"When does the college recruitment start?" Stephen asked.

"Next July."

Stephen smiled. "I hope Yale becomes interested." He looked at Phoebe. "My alma mater."

Arnold cleared his throat. "Well, I'm actually more interested in Brown, right now." Phoebe knew he wasn't going to tell his parents he was also interested in Harvard, considering his father was a Yale alum and it was outside of Boston. "Being in Providence just seems more appealing to me right now, but it's not like I'd ignore Yale if they were interested."

Jean shook her head. "I wish you would consider Auburn, Texas, or Stanford. I wouldn't normally suggest those schools, but they have the top swimming programs."

Arnold nodded. "And I've said numerous times that I want to remain in New England."

Jean shot Phoebe a look. "I figure this has something to do with _her?_ "

Arnold furrowed his brows and clenched his jaw. "Don't blame her. I've been saying this well before Phoebe and I started dating. My best friends all plan to stay in the northeast, and my family is all here. Why would I want to go thousands of miles away?"

Seeing that yet another argument was about to erupt between his son and wife, Stephen sat forward and said, "So, Phoebe, how long have you been playing soccer?"

Before Phoebe could answer, Jean said, "Stephen, don't draw attention to _her_."

Phoebe took a deep breath and kept her eyes down as she said, "Mrs. Perlstein, I see now where Janet gets her... _lovely_ charm, and believe me, I don't mean it in a good way." Her heart was racing, and sweat beaded on her forehead as she added, "I hope I never have to interact with you ever again, as one horrible Perlstein is enough for me." She looked at Stephen. "Mr. Perlstein, you have been kind, but I think my father was right in us leaving. Oh, and I've only recently started playing again since the the third grade." She stood up. "Family?"

The other Ternellis stood up, and Jean said, "Try to avoid the fireplaces on your way out. Don't want to test that flame retardant fabric you call a dress, _dear_."

Phoebe didn't know what came over her as she said, "That's...that's funny because I was going to say, 'You might want to avoid any fire since you're soaked in alcohol.'"

That's when Phoebe saw stars as Jean's massive sapphire-and-diamond ring made contact with her bottom lip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"Don't underestimate us," Ralphie said. "You know our family's motto: 'Maybe we'll get lucky this time.'"_ \- From Bob's Burgers
> 
> _"...and so I told her, 'Well, I'd rather be dead in Rhode Island than alive in New Jersey."_ \- Somewhat taken from Arrested Development.
> 
> _Arnold looked at Phoebe and smiled. "This is my girlfriend, Phoebe."  
>  Jean raised her brows. "Her?"_ \- Also from Arrested Development. It's kind of a running gag. From the AD wiki: "'Her?' is a commonly said quote by Michael Bluth about his son's girlfriend Ann Veal. Because of her plainness, Michael constantly forgets who she is and when reminded asks Her? because he is not supportive of his son's relationship with Ann."
> 
> _Arbor gold, Phoebe thought._ \- A Song of Ice and Fire, of course. "Arbor gold" is a vintage in Westeros, along with Dornish sour reds and strongwine, sweet reds from the Reach, and sweet plum wine.
> 
> _Arnold took a drink of his water and smirked as he put his glass down. "Well, Mom, I suppose I wanted to date a girl who's not completely self-absorbed and impossible to have a conversation with."  
>  Jean shot him a hard look. "If that's a veiled criticism about me, I won't hear it, and I won't respond to it."_ \- Again, Arrested Development.
> 
> _Phoebe didn't know what came over her as she said, "That's...that's funny because I was going to say, 'You might want to avoid any fire since you're soaked in alcohol.'"_ \- And more Arrested Development.


	10. The Best Payback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arnold and Phoebe finally do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, **there's sex in this chapter** , and it teeters on the T/M line. Like it's not graphic enough to be M, but might be a little strong for T. Anyhoo, **if you wish to skip, feel free to do so. This is really more a filler chapter.**

"Are you sure we can be here?" Phoebe asked as her lip and chin began to numb.

She was sitting on an examining table in the medical office Suzette and her partners worked. Suzette had just injected her bottom lip and was getting ready to stitch the wound Jean Pearlstein caused on the left side of her chin, just under her lip. "Well, if the other doctors get mad, they can eat my entire ass."

Arnold suppressed a laugh and gave Phoebe's hand a squeeze. The three were alone as Ralphie and Mark went to the vending machines. Phoebe and Arnold were both well aware that Ralphie didn't want to be anywhere near the sight of Phoebe getting her skin stitched back together. He paled at the sight of her bleeding wound and eventually turned slightly green as the blood rolled down her chin.

"Arnold, do you have a stronger stomach than my son?" Suzette asked.

"I think most people do, ma'am."

"Good. You can be my nurse. Wash up."

Arnold nodded and took off his jacket. He rolled up his sleeves and washed his hands before joining Suzette at the table. He watched with interest as Suzette began to thread the wound close. He handed her whatever supplies she needed and gave Phoebe the occasional pat on the arm as comfort. When Suzette was done and after she wiped the dried blood from Phoebe's neck and chin, Arnold handed her the gauze and tape to put on Phoebe.

"Now, let's get you some painkillers," Suzette said. "Nothing addictive but something to keep the wound from killing you too much. We should have some sample packs before I can get your prescription."

As she cleared the used supplies, Arnold gave Phoebe a kiss on the forehead. "Seven hells, Phoebe, I'm so sorry about all of this."

"Why? You didn't hit me."

"No, but the woman who birthed me did."

"Do you want to press charges or anything, Phoebe?" Suzette asked.

Phoebe shook her head. "No." She glanced at Arnold. "Only because I imagine your mother would get a team of lawyers so far up my butt or something."

He sighed. "You're not too far off, unfortunately." He looked at Suzette. "Dr. T, if it's okay, I don't want to go home tonight. I might say something to my mother I could regret."

"You need a night to let your anger blow over, I get it." She winked at him. "I'll make sure Mr. Terese understands."

Phoebe hopped off the table, Arnold putting his jacket around her shoulders, and hand-in-hand, they followed Suzette out. They found Ralphie and Mark sitting in the waiting room, and they got up, following behind Arnold and Phoebe, who were following Suzette. The ride home was quiet, as was the walk into the house. Arnold and Phoebe didn't dare kiss or hold hands as they followed Ralphie upstairs, and after she handed Arnold his jacket back, the boys went to Ralphie's room without a word. Phoebe went in her room and kicked her shoes off. She took off her cardigan and dress, hanging them both up, and she put on a tank top and pajama pants.

She went to the bathroom to brush her teeth, which was more difficult than she would have liked, but she managed to do it. She carefully took off the gauze and looked at her stitched wound, which was just below the left side of her lip. The whole area around the wound was swollen and turning purple now. Maybe the painkillers were helping, but she thought the wound looked worse than it felt. She walked back to her room, and after closing the door behind her, she fell back onto her bed. Suzette came by to say goodnight, but Phoebe had the feeling her father wanted her to check to make sure that Arnold was in Ralphie's room or the guest room. After a while, there was a knock on the door.

Phoebe got up and opened the door to find Arnold. She quickly pulled him in and shut the door. "You know my dad will kill you if he knows you're in here."

He shrugged. "I wanted to check on you. How's the lip?"

"Numb, throbbing, but no actual pain." She noticed he didn't have his glasses on, and he was wearing no shirt and a pair of fitted sweats. She read what was written on the sweats, "'Walker Lake Middle School.' Are those Ralphie's?"

He chuckled. "Yeah. It was the only thing that fit. Everything else just slid off."

Perhaps it was the painkillers that had given her a burst of confidence as she reached out and grasped the waistband of his pants and underwear. "Too bad you didn't wear those over here."

Arnold cocked a brow. "Oh, really?" He smiled as she pulled him closer. "As much as I'd love for this to continue, you're kind of injured."

She smiled as best she could. "Really? I can't feel a thing." She moved her hands up his stomach to his chest, his skin so soft and warm, and she could feel his muscles. "Except for you. I definitely can feel you." She pulled him even closer and wrapped her arms around him. "I was thinking...what would be the best way to get back at your mother for tonight?"

Arnold wrapped his arms around her waist, his hands then sliding down to her butt. "Do tell, Miss Terese."

She pressed her body against his. "If her son ravished his poor nothing of a girlfriend on said girlfriend's bed. That would be the best payback."

Arnold's expression softened. "Really? You want to...have..."

"Sex, Arnold. I want _sex_. This is me, Phoebe, giving you, Arnold, my consent."

He smiled. " _Really_ really?"

She nodded. " _Really_ really. I'm ready. I love you. I want you. I...I want you to touch me in every way possible. I want to _feel_ you. And..." She smiled again. "Also, I'm on birth control, so we won't need a condom."

Arnold took her hands off of him, and he held them firmly. "If you change your mind at any point, then we'll stop. Even if it's in the middle of it and you want to stop, just say so, and I'll stop. I want you to feel comfortable."

She nodded. "I will."

He smiled. "I love you, you know."

She smiled back. "I know. I love you, too."

Arnold was careful not to kiss her too close to her wound, and his lips moved down her neck to her chest and stomach as he kneeled. He raised her shirt so he could kiss the skin of her stomach, and he took hold of her pants and panties, pulling both down slowly. He moved back to look at her, and as he did, she pulled her shirt off. He pressed his lips against her stomach and held her tighter. He took in her scent, the feel of her skin, her breathing. She was skinny, definitely thinner than the other three girls, but she still had some squish on her hips and stomach, which stuck out just a bit, and her hips seemed wider than when she was clothed. Her breasts weren't entirely flat, either. She had enough for him to hold and squeeze if he wanted to, he thought. As much as he wanted to hold her and press his face against her stomach, there was more he wanted to do. He could see and feel the goosebumps forming on her skin, and he kissed her hip and then her lower belly.

That's when Arnold started to chuckle, but he stopped when Phoebe tensed. "What is it?" she asked.

He shook his head and looked up at her. "Nothing, nothing...I was just thinking about the _first_ time I saw you naked."

She was quiet for a moment before she started to laugh. "Oh, no, I remember that."

It had been a little over a year ago. Arnold had come over to get a textbook he left in Ralphie's room. He thought the house was empty, having let himself in with the spare key under the mat, but just as he came upstairs, the bathroom door opened, and a very nude Phoebe, with only a towel wrapped on her head, stepped out. They had stared at one another in stunned silence, and she covered herself with her hands as she yelped and ran to her room as he ran to Ralphie's room and both slammed the doors shut.

"I apologized for that," he said. "But I must say, your butt was really cute as you tried to get your door open. I haven't seen it yet now, but I'm sure it's still cute." He reached up and gently grabbed her breasts. "Though, I've noticed these gals have gotten a little bigger. Still cute. Maybe even cuter than before."

She laughed and gently smacked him. "Shut up."

He smiled and moved his hands down to her hips. He started kissing her lower belly before moving lower. He stopped when he felt her tense again.

"Arnold?"

He looked up at her. "Too much?"

She shook her head and gently ran her fingers through his hair. She moved to her desk, and she leaned back against it. She held onto it as Arnold lifted her legs so they were resting on his shoulders. Phoebe wasn't sure why he was still kneeling and why his face was so close to... _down there_ , but she broke from her thoughts suddenly, letting out a gasp when she felt his lips on the last place she'd expect them to be. She tried not to gasp or moan too loud, and it grew harder to keep quiet when his tongue really started going. When his tongue hit a very, _very_ sensitive spot, she grabbed the shirt that was draped on her chair and moaned into it. She was glad she was able to quiet her sounds when she felt his fingers, and it didn't take long for her to let go. She was sweating and panting as Arnold lowered her legs, and he kissed his way back up to her lips.

"How was that?" he asked.

She was still panting as she looked at him in shock and amazement. "How-- how do you think? I mean... _wow_ , Arnold...where did you learn to do that?"

He shrugged. "I just wanted to...to do that when I saw your-- saw between your legs. I don't know, I figured if I treated those lips like these lips," he gently brushed his thumb along her lips, "then maybe something would happen."

She smiled and nodded. "Oh, _something_ happened all right. Especially, when you hit a small but _just right_ spot."

"Well, I don't know about you, but I sure enjoyed doing that," he said with a wink.

She smiled and moved down to her knees. She grasped the waistband of both his pants and underwear, and she looked up at him. "Now, I know I have an injury, but I can't feel any pain, so perhaps I shall return the favor?"

* * *

They lay in a sweaty pile of limbs on Phoebe's bed, both panting and in shock at what had just happened. This was their first time so they decided to take their time to learn how the other liked being touched. A couple of orgasms later, they were glad they went slow. Phoebe moved so she was on top of Arnold, and she kissed his chest. He wasn't ripped, but his muscle tone was noticable. She would still love him and be attracted to him if he didn't have that lean swimmer's body (after all, she carried feelings for him since they were kids), but she had admit, this was a bonus.

She gently ran her finger along his soft skin. "You know, I could get used to this."

He grinned. "What? Me making you a woman over and over?"

She laughed. "Of course." She kissed his chest again and moved up to rest her head in the crook of his neck. "I always heard the first time would be awful and awkward. We got quite lucky."

He wrapped his arms around her. "Well, we didn't just jump into the humping, y'know? We took our time, learned how to get one another off."

She nodded. "True. Also, I expected it to hurt...especially because of, y'know, how _big_ you are, but it didn't."

"It's not supposed to. You were aroused, so your cervix was relaxed and naturally lubricated." She moved up and looked at him in confusion, especially since his tone was so matter-of-fact. He laughed a bit. "My aunt that's a nurse gave me and Janet 'the talk,' thankfully not at the same time. She got really technical and indepth. A tight cervix isn't an aroused one, so I was quite glad you were loose."

She couldn't help but smile and laugh, the painkillers keeping her pain to a minimum. "You surprise me all the time, Arnold Matthew Perlstein." She kissed his cheek. "I love a smart guy." She grinned. "Also, I'm up for another round if you are."

"I'm _always_ ready."

She could feel him against her leg. "So you are."

He moved so they were sitting up. "D'you think we can, maybe, try other positions?"

She cocked her head. "Other positions? There's more?"

His already flushed body went a little more red. "Carlos got his hands on this sex book freshman year, and us guys read it a few times."

She held up her hand. "Say no more... _please_. What do you want to try?"

He grinned. "On your stomach, Miss Terese."

She felt her stomach flutter. "Oh, Mr. Perlstein, I think I like this dominating side of you."

He winked, and in a more forceful tone, he said, "I said _on your stomach_ , Miss Terese."

She smiled and moved onto her stomach. He moved behind her and straddled her legs, and she shivered when she felt his fingers run down her freckled back.

Oh, she definitely could get used to this.

* * *

Arnold went back to the guest room before the sun rose, but he helped Phoebe change her sheets before he went back, as they were quite the mess. She put on clean underwear and pajamas, and she slept for probably three or four hours before she woke up to the smell of pancakes. She got up and cleaned herself up for the day, and she made her way downstairs. Ralphie and Arnold were sitting at the breakfast table with Mark and Suzette, and it took all of Phoebe's self-control to not sit on Arnold's lap and make out with him.

"Phoebe's up," Ralphie announced.

"Morning, sweetie," Mark said.

Phoebe kissed the top of his head. "Morning."

"If your lip is hurting, your painkillers are in one of the drawers in the island counter," Suzette said.

Phoebe nodded. She took her pills out and took two before she sat down and served herself some pancakes. She felt Arnold's foot gently nudge hers. "How'd you sleep?" he asked.

She hoped her face wasn't turning red. "Very, very well."

Ralphie laughed. "I'm shocked you didn't go sneak in Phoebe's room and violate her, bro." The other three Ternellis shouted, " _Ralphie!_ " while Arnold's knees hit the table as he flinched. Ralphie shook his head. "What? We were all thinking it!"

"My father is sitting _right here_ , Ralphie!" Phoebe snapped.

Suzette reached over and smacked Ralphie on the head. "Show some respect. Besides, Arnold and Phoebe know better than to have sex here and now."

"Or _ever_ ," Mark added.

Arnold awkwardly cleared his throat and got up. "I'm going to clean my dishes and then get dressed and go home. Thanks for letting me stay the night."

Phoebe looked up at him. "Want me to go with you to your house? So you won't have to face your mother alone?"

He smiled. "You're so sweet, but no, I adore you too much to allow you to face my mother so soon."

He washed his dishes and headed upstairs. When Phoebe finished her breakfast, Arnold was back, and he was dressed. Ralphie got up and gave him a "bro hug." "See you later, man."

Arnold nodded. "Hopefully." He smiled at Suzette and Mark. "Again, thank you for letting me stay."

"Anytime," Suzette said. Mark grunted in slight protest.

Arnold went over to Phoebe and kissed her cheek before he whispered in her ear, "Let's do each other again soon."

She laughed. "Go home already."

"Love you."

"Love you, too."

He went out through the kitchen door to the driveway, and Ralphie started laughing, "You two are so gross."

Phoebe rolled her eyes. "You're gross."

She got up to wash her dishes, and afterwards, as she made her way back upstairs, Ralphie ran up to her. "Wait, wait, wait...so tell me the truth, he banged you, didn't he?"

Phoebe looked at him with wide eyes, and she shushed him. "Keep it down!" She lowered her voice even more. "And it's none of your business."

She went to her bedroom, and Ralphie gasped as he followed her. He kept his voice low as he said, "I knew it! _He banged you!_ "

"Would you shut up?"

"Okay, A: I got up to take a piss in the middle of the night and the guest room door was open. B: You two were eye banging during breakfast, and C: The look on your face right now. You had sex!"

She tensed and stared hard at him. "So what if I did? What're you going to do? Rat me out to Daddy and Suzette? Beat up your best friend for having sex with me? What?"

He shook his head. "I'm just pissed you had sex before I did." He laughed. "Nah, I shouldn't be. You two probably had super boring sex."

She was growing more annoyed and blurted, "I orgasmed multiple times last night."

He flinched. "Ew! No, no, no! I don't want details!"

"Arnold went down on me at least twice, and it was _amazing!_ "

"Shut up!"

" _I_ had great sex, and _you_ haven't had it at all!"

He pointed hard at her as he backed towards the door. "You are a horrible person, Phoebe Terese."

* * *

Arnold was startled from finishing his homework when he heard the doorbell. It was late afternoon, and he had no idea who'd be at the door on a Sunday afternoon. He got up and leaned over his desk to look out his window. He could see the front yard and street, and his heart skipped a beat (in a good way) when he saw the red and white 1982 Honda Passport moped. He paused his music, and realizing he had been lounging in his boxer-briefs, he grabbed his blue sweats that said "YALE" down one leg. He quickly slipped them on and ran downstairs to answer the door.

Phoebe was fidgeting with her hands as she stood on the other side of the door, and she continued when Arnold opened the door. She looked up and asked, "Are your parents home?"

"No, turns out they went to Newport after dinner last night."

She nodded. "Good." She walked in and made her way to the stairs, unbuttoning her shirt as she walked up. She left it behind her and began unbuttoning her jeans "Join me in your bedroom, then?"

He shut the door and went after her. "Right behind you."

Ten minutes later, Arnold had a very sweaty and very satisfied Phoebe on his desk, slumped against him. "Your tongue...is a _gift_ ," she panted.

"I try."

She sat up and wrapped her arms and legs around him, holding him close, and she wished he wasn't still wearing pants. "Can we just stay in this room forever and you could just do _that_ the whole time?"

He grinned. "Well, as much as I love doing that, we have school, unfortunately." He brushed his fingers along her arm's reddened freckled skin. "Not going to lie, I was-- and still am-- a little surprised you're so willing to let me see you naked."

She shrugged. "Yeah, the idea of anyone seeing me naked is _beyond_ anxiety-inducing, but I don't know...something about you just relaxes me. You look at me like you really do think I'm beautiful, like even my weird bony body wouldn't scare you off."

"Your body isn't weird or bony...okay maybe a _little_ bony in places, but it's definitely not weird. And I've seen it up close, you know." He smiled. "You have a cute little body with cute little squishy parts here and there, a cute little butt, and cute boobs that are actually bigger than the others seem to think."

"Well, I think anyone's boobs would look flat compared to those three's." She moved her hands down and grasped his butt. "But you want to talk about a cute butt?" She gave it a squeeze. "Such a cute, hard, shapely butt." She grasped the waistband of his pants and underwear. "Now, _please_ take these off and throw me on that bed to have your way with me."

"As you wish, Miss Terese." He slid his pants and boxer-briefs off, and he easily lifted her up off the desk. She laughed as he tossed her onto the bed, and he joined her, holding himself up above her. He grabbed her legs and moved them so they were pressed against his shoulders. "Ready?"

She nodded. "Always."

Phoebe didn't know how much time passed, as it all became a wonderful blur. She didn't have to muffle her moans, and she could be as loud as she wanted. She also wasn't in one position for long. She was on her back then suddenly, she was flipped onto her stomach. Then she was on her side, Arnold holding her from behind, and then she was being held up and pressed against the wall. She also found herself on top of Arnold at one point, though that didn't last long as she could find a good rhythm and felt like she couldn't please both of them. Then she was on her hands and knees, Arnold behind her, his hands gripping her hips. Whatever book it was the guys had found and read, Phoebe wanted to thank the person who wrote it.

Eventually, both were spent, and they lay side by side on the bed, both sweaty and panting slightly. Arnold chuckled. "Huh, this is only our second time...well, second night doing it, and I have to say...well done to us. We're pretty good at this."

She shook her head. " _You_ are. I'm terrible when on top."

He turned on his side so he could look at her, and he gently brushed his fingers through her sweaty strands of hair. "But you sure know what to do when you're on your knees, even with an injured lip."

She laughed and covered her face. "I can't believe I actually like doing _that_."

"Your hands are also pretty talented, just like your cute li'l mouth."

She held up her hands. "Who knew my big hands would come in _handy_ at some point?"

Arnold chuckled and kissed her forehead. "You know, the others might call us boring, but the joke's on them: We're having _amazing_ sex."

She smiled. "They would never believe us either, even if we told them all the dirty details. Heck, we could be going at it right in front of them, and they'd still not believe us."

He laughed. "Yeah, pretty much." He took her hand in his and squeezed it. "Hey, do you still want to get back at my mother?"

"One part of me is like, 'Please don't mention your mother when we're naked,' but the other part is like, 'Yes, please tell me what you have in mind.'"

He gave her hand another squeeze. "The master bathroom has a large glass shower. Be a shame if I had shower sex with my girlfriend in there, wouldn't it?"

"Yes. Yes, it would." She sat up. "You know what else would be a shame?"

He grinned. "Having sex on the couch as well? Perhaps the kitchen?"

"Yes to both." She got off the bed. "Let's do it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, might be a bit of a stretch that they'd be this good, especially since it's the first time, but I figured I'd give Phoebe a break. [She's a good person](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GoodPeopleHaveGoodSex), after all.
> 
> Oh, and the story of Arnold seeing Phoebe naked the first time was also used in _Bromance_. Thought I'd use it again.


	11. Sato Boner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janet's accused of something.

Phoebe didn't dare stay the night. She left at a reasonable time. Also in good time, as Arnold's parents came home about two hours after she left. That gave Arnold time to clean up. Not just himself but also his sheets, the couch, and breakfast table. He was in his pajama pants and a t-shirt, sitting on the couch and watching TV when he heard his parents walk in through the back door.

Jean went straight to him. "Arnold, nice of you to take a break from that common whore you're dating."

Arnold muted the TV and looked up at her. "You cut Phoebe's chin open. Don't literally add insult to injury."

She put her hands on her hips. "Where were you?"

"Home?"

"Don't be a smart ass; I meant last night after dinner."

He furrowed his brows. "I went home with Phoebe and Ralphie's family, but first we stopped at Dr. Tennelli's office so she could _stitch Phoebe's face_."

Jean rolled her eyes. "Oh, it wasn't that bad."

Stephen walked over and seemed hesitant when he said, "Well, honey, you _did_ hit that poor girl hard enough to make her fall."

"Perhaps she shouldn't have been smart with me," Jean said.

Arnold stood up. "Again, _you cut her chin open!_ "

She threw her arms up. "What do you want me to do, son? Pay her off so she'll shut up?"

He shook his head. "Phoebe doesn't need or want your money. A simple 'I'm sorry' would suffice."

Jean nodded. "Okay, tell her I'll accept her apology when she comes over to give it."

"I meant _you!_ _You_ apologize to _her!_ "

Jean sighed. "There is no talking to you when you get hysterical, son. I'm going to bed."

She walked in to the master bedroom, which was just off from the living room, and she shut the door behind her. Stephen looked at his son with an apologetic expression. "She'll never apologize, you know."

Arnold nodded. "I know. Why is she like this?"

Stephen stepped closer and put his hand on Arnold's shoulder. "She just wants what's best for you."

Arnold sighed. "Phoebe _is_ the best, Dad, and I know that because I've known her for years. She's my best friend. I love her, and she loves me. She's the most selfless, caring, and amazing person I've ever known. She may have her faults...who doesn't? But still, there is no one better than her, as far as I'm concerned."

Stephen let go of him and nodded. "I can see she's a nice girl, but you know your mother."

"Unfortunately I do. I see where Janet gets it."

He turned away and made his way to the stairs. He went to his room, shutting the door behind him, and he fell down onto his bed, the fresh and clean sheets comforting him some.

* * *

Phoebe was still riding her high from Saturday and Sunday nights when Monday morning came around. Sure, Arnold's mother cut her face open bad enough she needed her step-mother to stitch her up, but soon after, she had _sex_...with _Arnold_. She had no regrets. She was always taught to wait for marriage and all that stuff, but a part of her knew she would only wait for the right person, marriage or no. Arnold was definitely the right person. He was her best friend who loved and respected her, just as she did him. Yeah, the physical aspect of the whole thing was amazing, but it was so much more than that. She could feel the emotions between them, especially in how he held her afterwards, and she knew if they were able to actually spend the night together, he would have held her all night.

It was early when she left for school Monday morning, earlier than Ralphie and the others. She was the first one of the eight to arrive, and rather than hang around outside alone, she went inside. She went to her locker, and she put the books she didn't need yet away while getting the books she did. She put her lunch in, but before she could close the door, she was shoved hard, hard enough to fall.

"God, you're so easy to literally shove around."

She looked up to see Janet standing there, two of her cheerleading friends with her. "What do you want, Janet?"

She shrugged. "Nothing. Just felt like shoving you."

Phoebe pulled herself up, and rather than get a matching wound on the other side of her face, she refrained from saying something back. She regretted that when Janet shoved her again, this time harder, and she fell again.

Janet pouted and in a mocking tone said, "Aw, what's wrong? Li'l ol' Phoebe too scared to punch me again? No longer feel like such a big woman? I guess my auntie slapping your face open finally put you in your place."

Phoebe furrowed her brows and stood back up. A sudden surge of confidence had her say, "No, all that did was drive Arnold right to my bed." She felt another larger surge of confidence by the look of disgust and horror on Janet's face. "Yep, that's right...Arnold and I had sex. You know, I must say, his tongue is _quite_ talented."

Janet turned red, and just as she raised her fist, she stopped when someone behind them said, "Janet, leave her alone."

It was Arnold. He moved to stand between her and Phoebe, and Janet clenched her jaw. "How could you allow yourself to be _defiled_ by-- by _her!_ "

Arnold turned and looked at Phoebe. "You told Janet?"

Phoebe shrugged and looked at him with those big innocent green eyes of hers. "She made me mad."

Arnold nodded. "Oh, yeah...I suppose if she pissed me off, I'd tell her about how I went down on you."

"Stop it!" Janet screeched.

Arnold turned to look at her. "Janet, leave Phoebe alone before I tell you about how her tongue--"

"I said _stop!_ " Janet sighed. "Fine, I'll leave."

She snapped her fingers, her two friends following her as she walked away. When they were gone, Arnold put his hand on Phoebe's shoulder. "You all right?"

She nodded. "I am now. Give me a kiss?"

He smiled. "Absolutely."

They shared a small but deep kiss, and they stayed close when they parted. They were both smiling, and Phoebe rubbed her nose against his. "I had a wonderful weekend. Can't wait for the next time we... _you know._ "

"Oh, me too. I mean, I don't want to reduce what we have to just sex, but _damn_ , was the sex good."

She nodded. "No, I know what you mean. You're my best friend, and I love you, and you mean so much to me, but oh wow, I cannot wait for the next time you just completely _destroy_ me."

He smiled a bit, but it was soon gone. "You do know I don't see you as some piece of ass, right? You know I love you, right?"

She couldn't help but smile. "Of course I do, Arnold. Now, _you_ , however...I do see you as a 'piece of ass,' as you said."

She knew that would make him smile again, and she was right. He laughed. "You don't know how funny that sounds coming from you." He kissed the tip of her nose. "You're so adorable."

She have him a peck on the lips. "So are you."

They finally moved further apart, and Phoebe finished getting what she needed from her locker. When she was done, she closed her locker, and hand-in-hand, she and Arnold went back outside to find their friends.

* * *

Considering the fact no one made a comment about Phoebe and Arnold having sex, it was safe to think that Ralphie hadn't said anything to anyone. Then again, Phoebe figured, he wasn't going to admit she had sex before he did. She knew she and Arnold had been more touchy-feely that morning, but the others didn't say anything. Still, they must have know _something_ was up because the rest of the gang, sans Ralphie, were staring at Phoebe and Arnold during lunch.

Arnold finally put down his chicken sandwich. "Okay, _what_ are you guys staring at?"

Keesha narrowed her eyes. "Something's different with the two of you."

Carlos nodded. "Yeah, you seem...I don't know..."

Dorothy Ann gestured at them with her finger. "It's like the two of you have some kind of... _glow_." Her eyes widened, and her jaw dropped. "Oh, my God, you two had sex!"

Wanda snapped her fingers. " _That's_ it!"

"I kind of figured that's what it was," Tim said. "Arnold's got that same post-sex-stuff-next-day look Janet would have."

At the same time, Arnold and Phoebe both snapped, " _Shut up!_ "

Arnold pointed at him. "Do not _ever_ compare Janet and me like that again!"

"And stop reminding me he's related to that she-devil!" Phoebe added. "I don't need that image when Arnold's going down on me." She stopped, realizing what she just said, and she knew her face was bright red.

Ralphie groaned in disgust as the other five all went " _Ooh!_ " and laughed. Carlos clapped, stood up, and bowed. "I must admit, Arnold Perlstein...you are _the man!_ "

Wanda snorted. "Oh, my God, I just remembered Phoebe's gotta have ginger pubes."

Keesha laughed. "Assuming he doesn't shave _all_ his body hair, Arnold's got the ginger pubes, too."

Ralphie threw his pizza down. "Goddammit!" He got up and shouldered his backpack. "I'm out! No one talk to me ever again about anything ever! I need to go scrub my brain with bleach!"

Carlos sat back down as he yelled at Ralphie, who was walking away. "What, dude? You don't want to hear about your step-sister's ginger pubes mixing with your best bro's ginger pubes?"

Again, Arnold and Phoebe snapped, " _Shut up!_ "

D.A. put her hand on Phoebe's. "So tell me, does he know where the clit and G-spot are?"

Phoebe huffed, finding herself annoyed even with her Knight of Flowers, and her frustration made her blurt out, "Yes! _Of course he does!_ He made me have multiple orgasms! He's made me orgasm _every time!_ " She realized what she said, and she covered her face in her hands. " _Dammit._ "

Arnold gently rubbed her back. "Phoebe, you know I love you, but _please_ , shut up."

She nodded, her face still covered, but the others weren't quite done. Carlos and Tim looked at one another before Carlos asked, "So, dude, did she blow you? Or, at the very least, give you a handjob?"

Arnold's elbow was on the table as he rested his hand against his forehead. "For the love of all that is holy, can we _please_ change the subject?"

Wanda laughed. "Shit no! Even _I'_ _m_ enjoying this! I mean look at them! All squirmy and shit!"

Tim nodded. "Gotta admit, this has been a great lunch so far. I mean, we all agree with the idea of Phoebe having sex is just...weird, right?" The other four nodded. "Yeah, but despite that, this is all just so hilarious."

Phoebe held up her hands and sighed. "I'm so ready for a subject change, I'll direct your attention to the injury on my lip and chin."

Carlos raised his hand. "Let me guess...Mrs. P found you sitting on Arnold's face and punched you so hard your skin burst open?"

Phoebe grimaced and shook her head. "Gross, no! But you're half right...Mrs. Perlstein did hit me, but it was because I insulted her," she looked down, "to her face."

The other five all clapped. "You stood up to Mrs. P, are still alive, _and_ banged her son!" Keesha said. "We're so proud of you!"

Carlos pretended to wipe a tear. "Our li'l Pheebs is all grown up!"

Phoebe rolled her eyes. She finished eating her celery sticks and picked up her sandwich that she had yet to eat. Strawberry jam and soy nut butter, her usual. She took a bite and chewed, but something tasted off. She swallowed the bite anyway, and she instantly regretted it when she felt her throat tighten. The attitude at the table took a sudden change when the others noticed the look on her face.

Arnold put his hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"I-- I--"

Her face and neck suddenly turned red, and Arnold could see swelling. She wheezed and gestured to her throat and then her sandwich. Carlos was the one who grabbed her sandwich and took a bite to taste it. "Oh, shit...dude, this is peanut butter. Like _peanut_ peanut butter."

Phoebe fell back and collapsed on the floor. Arnold fell to his knees beside her, holding her in his arms, as Dorothy Ann hurried to grab Phoebe's messenger bag. She pulled out her EpiPen, knowing how to administer it as she had done it a few times in the last few years for Phoebe, and she pressed it against Phoebe's denim-covered thigh. She held it there for about three seconds before she pulled it out, and she brushed her sweaty strands off Phoebe's forehead. Phoebe was still red, but the swelling was beginning to go down, and she was breathing somewhat better.

"We're all right here, Phoebe," she said.

She could hear Tim telling people to get back, give her air, and Arnold moved to lift her up. "I'm going to take her to the nurse's office," he said.

D.A. handed Phoebe the used EpiPen so the nurse could discard it, and Arnold stood up with her in his arms. He walked as fast as he could to the nurse's office, and he was glad to see there wasn't any other students in the clinic. The nurse saw him from her office and stepped out.

"What happened to Miss Terese?" she asked. It wouldn't be the first time Phoebe was in the nurse's office, though this was only the second time it was for her allergy. She took the used EpiPen from Phoebe.

"She ingested peanut butter," Arnold said. He gently set Phoebe down on one of the cots. "Our friend injected her with her EpiPen already."

The nurse nodded, and she turned her attention to Phoebe. "How are you feeling now?"

"I can breathe somewhat better," Phoebe said. She still had a bit of a wheeze. "I still have a tight feeling in my chest, though." She reached for Arnold's hand. "Please don't leave?"

He sat down beside her. "I'm right here."

The nurse patted her arm. "I'm going to call your parents, Phoebe."

Phoebe nodded, and when the nurse got up, she turned to Arnold. "I hate that this is my first thought, but it was Janet somehow, wasn't it? I mean, I do hate jumping to that conclusion, and I don't know how she could have, but I mean, she _does_ really hate me, and..."

He shook his head. "No, no, I agree with you. It seems like something she'd do."

"I'm just trying to remember if I left my lunch anywhere it could have been-- _oh_."

"What?"

"Earlier this morning, when she was messing with me. One of her friends must have switched out my lunch when I was distracted."

Arnold sighed. "I believe it." He squeezed her hand. "I am so, _so_ sorry, Phoebe."

She looked at him with a confused expression. "For what?"

"My mother hit you, and my cousin almost killed you."

She shook her head. "And? You had nothing to do with any of that."

"Don't I? If I hadn't--"

She stopped him by squeezing his hand hard. "Shut up. Don't blame yourself for something two individuals did of their own volition. You're related to them...so what? You didn't hit me or make me eat peanut butter." She gestured for him to lean down so she could give him a kiss. She brushed her fingers through his hair. "I love you. I don't blame you for any of this." She suddenly flinched. "Arnold, trash can, _now_."

He was quick to grab a trash can, and just as he set it down beside the cot, she leaned over to throw up in it. He rubbed her back as she spit up what was left in her stomach, and she didn't move to lay back.

"I'll get you some water," he said.

He went to the water cooler and poured some in a small cup. He brought it to her, and she thanked him before she drank it. He noticed her skin was beginning to go back to its normal color, but she still didn't look well. He sat with her while she moved onto her back to rest, and they sat like that for a little while. He gently rubbed her stomach as she closed her eyes, and he listened to her slightly wheezy breathing.

"So I guess no sex later, huh?"

Arnold was shocked by what she said, especially since she said it in such a saddened, serious tone. He relaxed when she opened her eyes and smiled at him. "Yeah, I guess not."

She put her hand on his that was still on her stomach. "Thank you."

"For?"

"Being here with me."

He moved his hand so he could hold hers. "Where else would I be?"

She shrugged. "The rest of lunch?"

"Phoebe, you're my girlfriend and best friend. I just watched you have a bad allergic reaction, so you know...I'm going to be here with you." He moved to kiss her forehead. "I love you, you silly girl."

She couldn't help but smile. "I love you, too, you silly boy."

They both looked up when they heard someone walk in. It was Keesha. She was carrying his and Phoebe's book bags, and she set them down at the foot of the cot. "Carlos and Wanda went to look for Ralphie while D.A. and Tim cleaned up. I volunteered for bag and 'Check on Pheebs' duty." She nodded at Phoebe. "How are you now?"

Phoebe weakly smiled. "Just dandy."

" _Where is she?_ " They all turned towards the door when they heard someone yelling and running. The door flew open, and a distraught Ralphie ran in. He was on her cot, pulling her up for a tight hug. "Holy shit, Phoebe, don't scare me like that again! Ma would kill me if anything happened to you!"

Keesha smacked his shoulder. "She can't breathe, dingus!"

Ralphie let go of her. "God, Pheebs, you look like shit."

Phoebe furrowed her brows. "Yeah, love you, too."

"So what happened?" he asked.

"My sandwich was peanut butter, not my soy nut butter. I--" She stopped, unsure if she should tell Ralphie what she was thinking.

"You what?" Ralphie asked.

She sighed. "I'm wondering if Janet had anything to do with it." When she saw Ralphie's eyes widen and jaw clench, she grabbed his arm. "Don't! Don't do or say anything. I don't know for sure."

"Phoebe!"

They all turned just as Suzette and Mark came in, holding one another's hands. Suzette led them to Phoebe's cot, and once Ralphie and Arnold got up, they sat on either side of her, both hugging and kissing her.

The nurse stepped out of her office just then. "Dr. Tennelli, Mr. Terese, I'm going to leave it up to you on whether or not you want Phoebe dismissed for the day."

Suzette nodded and looked at Phoebe. "Do you think you need to go to the hospital? And don't lie to me. I can tell when you're lying."

Phoebe shook her head. "No hospital, but I do want to go home. I think I just need some rest and let this all pass."

Mark didn't let go of her. "What happened, sweetie?"

Phoebe grinned slightly. "I must have used peanut butter this morning. Just my dumb mistake."

Ralphie and Arnold were about to argue that until Keesha grabbed both and shook her head. The nurse turned back towards her office. "Just need a parent to fill out a dismissal form."

Suzette got up and followed her. Mark continued to hold Phoebe, and she leaned her head on his shoulder. "How about we get you an ice cream on our way home?" he asked her as he stroked her hair.

She nodded. "A raspberry sorbet _does_ sound good."

"Hey, uh, Mark, quick question," Ralphie said. "Can I go home and get ice cream, too? All of this...Phoebe getting sick, it's just been so... _emotionally_ draining."

"Not gonna happen," Suzette said, walking out of the nurse's office. She handed Ralphie, Keesha, and Arnold the hall passes the nurse filled out and signed. "You three go to class."

Ralphie groaned, but he, Keesha, and Arnold said their byes to Phoebe and left. Phoebe got up when her head wasn't spinning as much, and she shouldered her backpack as she followed Suzette and her father out to the front parking. She knew she should have been truthful and ratted out Janet, but for some reason, she couldn't. First of all, she wasn't _completely_ sure Janet did it, and second of all, it was perhaps the same reason she didn't want to do anything to Jean Perlstein for hitting her.

* * *

Janet jumped back when her locker was suddenly slammed shut. She turned to see a very angry Arnold staring hard at her. "You absolute piece of fucking shit."

She started backing away from him, but he followed her. "I don't know what you mean, my dear cousin."

"Cut the bullshit! You could have _killed her!_ "

She clenched her jaw. "Killed who?"

"Don't play innocent!" He shook his head. "Oh, how I wish I could hit you right now."

She smirked. "Yeah, too bad you're much too moral and noble to ever hit me. You're such a weakling, Arnold. No wonder you were always so easy to walk all over."

Arnold's brows raised when he saw Dorothy Ann walking up behind Janet. "He may not be able to hit you," she said. Just as Janet turned around, D.A. threw a punch and hit Janet on the jaw, opposite the side Phoebe hit, and she fell to the floor. "But I can." She stood over her. "If you _ever_ do anything to Phoebe again, I won't be so nice next time."

Janet managed to get back up, and she held her jaw. "You bitch."

D.A. was red in the face. "I'm not the one who almost killed someone!"

" _What the fuck are you two talking about?!_ "

"Perlstein!" The three turned to see Tiffany, along with Grace Sato and Kate Holt, walking up to them. Tiffany was the one who yelled. She pointed at Janet. "Holt, locker!"

Kate Holt grabbed Janet by the blouse and slammed her up against a locker. Arnold and D.A. watched as Tiffany and Grace Sato stood on either side of her. "Word has it you almost killed our new goalkeeper," Grace said.

"Don't fuck with our team!" Tiffany said.

"And don't think you can use Daddy's money to get out of this one," Grace said as Kate let go of Janet. "My dad's got just as much, if not more, money than yours."

Janet smirked again. "Yeah, wasn't your father accused of embezzlement or some other shady shit? And isn't your sister shacking up with the governor's married daughter? Or are the affairs of the oh-so-great Sato family all hush-hush?"

Grace turned red with anger. "He was never convicted of anything, and that woman is getting a divorce and moving to Philadelphia to be with my sister!"

The warning bell rang, and Tiffany pointed hard at her. "Saved by the bell for now, Janet. But mess with Terese again and Kate will go Full Holt on you."

Janet shook her head. "What in the name of fuck is everyone talking about?"

"You know damn well what we're talking about," Arnold snapped. "You should be ashamed, but I know you're not. You don't have any feelings." He turned and went after Tiffany, Kate, and Grace. The other two must have split off because he only found Grace. "Grace, hey, quick question."

She stopped walking and turned to face him. "What?"

"Where did you guys hear about what happened to Phoebe?"

"Ralphie Tennelli was telling everyone in the weight room he was sure Janet 'poisoned' Phoebe."

Arnold sighed. "Of course he was."

"Do you think Janet did it?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. Part of me knows she would do something like that, but another part of me is like 'Shut up, you don't know for sure. Wouldn't be the first time you were wrong about something like that.'"

They both turned when they saw D.A. run up to them. "Oh, hey, guys, so completely different subject, but Grace, your sister goes to Penn, right? Think she can get in contact with me and help me with my applications or something to raise my chances in getting in? I mean, I know your family gave a lot of money for the school, and..."

Arnold gently grasped her shoulders and steered her away. "Now's not the time, D.A."

"You're a junior, Ewing," Grace said as she walked off. "Enjoy this time!"

"But seriously, that was not the time," Arnold said, letting go of D.A.

"Yeah, but Grace's sister is kind of like my hero-- I mean, despite the whole homewrecking thing. She was a senior on the rowing team when I was a freshman, and she was valedictorian, _and_ she's going to my dream school, _and_ I know the Satos have some pull there! And not to mention, she had like the _best_ hair."

Arnold remembered Grace's sister. She was a senior when they were freshman, and she was pretty popular around school. All-state oboe player, won numerous rowing competitions, was class president and prom queen, graduated top of her class, but despite all of that, her name completely escaped Arnold's mind. He remembered her name began with an "A," but that was it.

"She did have great hair," Arnold agreed. "So back to the previous subject, are you going to go see Phoebe after school? Because I am."

She nodded. "Of course. Thinking about bringing her a pint of raspberry sorbet."

"She'd love that."

He flinched when she suddenly smacked him playfully. "By the way, you two are going to have give the rest of us more details about you two having sex."

Arnold looked at his watch. "Oh, look at that! I'm going to be late to class. Later!" With that, he ran off towards his class.

* * *

Phoebe was curled into a ball under her sheet and comforter, which she had been since she came home. She was in her pajamas, and despite her skin feeling really warm, she was actually feeling kind of cold. Her skin was still red, but there was no swelling. Her breathing was still a little labored, but she no longer felt any tightness in her chest. A part of her wanted to get up and watch the TV in the upstairs den, but a bigger part of her didn't want to leave her comfortable bed.

She didn't move when she heard a knock on her door. "Yeah?"

Suzette stuck her head in. "Feeling up to visitors? Arnold and Dorothy Ann are here."

"They can come in."

She heard them come in, and she smiled when she smelled their fragrances. She felt both getting on the bed, laying on either side of her. She knew Arnold was behind her once she felt his arms. D.A. gently scratched the top of her head, which was sticking out from the comforter.

"How are you feeling now?" D.A. asked.

She pushed her covers off enough for her head to poke out. "Cold. Everything else is good."

Arnold moved to kiss her temple. "Good, progress. Oh, everyone else will be coming over soon."

Phoebe couldn't help but smile. " _Fun_." Her smile was soon gone. "So...did either of you speak to Janet?"

Arnold and D.A. shared a look before they both nodded. "Arnold talked to her," D.A. said. "And I punched her."

"You didn't!"

"She did," Arnold said. "Janet was playing innocent, even with Kate Holt slamming her against a locker. Honestly, it was hard to determine whether Janet was telling the truth or not. I mean, she's not _always_ a piece of shit, but..." He sighed. "I'm sorry, Phoebe."

"There isn't anything for you to be sorry for," Phoebe said. "And what's this about Kate Holt?"

D.A. grinned. "Yeah, Tiffany, Grace Sato, and Kate Holt confronted Janet in the hall. They told her not to mess with their goalkeeper."

"How did they know what happened?" Phoebe asked.

"Ralphie was telling people in the weight room what happened," Arnold said.

"Janet even had the _gall_ to insult Grace and her family," Dorothy Ann added. "The Satos are one of the more prominent families in Walkerville--"

Arnold cut her off. "D.A., this is not the time."

"It's all right, Arnold," Phoebe said. "Grace's sister is going to D.A.'s dream school and is her hero...despite the whole homewrecking thing."

The three looked to the door when they heard it open, and Ralphie crawled onto the bed, laying on D.A.'s other side so he was almost spooning her. "How's-- oh, wow, D.A., your butt's really warm."

D.A. turned a bit to look at him. " _My_ butt's normal. _Your_ butt's the weird one!"

He laughed. "Don't be mad. It's nice." He looked over her shoulder to Phoebe. "How's everything?"

"You told people Janet did it?" Phoebe asked.

He shrugged. "Does it _not_ seem like something she'd do?"

The door opened again, and Keesha walked in. "No, it totally is something she'd do."

Carlos, Tim, and Wanda were with her, and Carlos got on the bed. "Pile on Phoebe's bed, but carefully as not to hurt her!"

Keesha got behind Arnold, Wanda laying on both of them as Tim used D.A.'s hips as a pillow. Carlos made himself comfortable on top of Phoebe, making sure he wasn't crushing her. Ralphie looked at all of them cuddling together, and he laughed. "Holy shit snacks, I think we're all a little _too_ close with each other."

"Well, bro, look at everything we've been through together," Tim pointed out. "And we're only literally this close because Pheebs has a full-size bed, not a queen."

Phoebe smiled. "You're all so warm."

They were all quiet for a moment, and D.A. broke the silence, "I mean, if Grace could just talk to her sister--"

"D.A.!" Arnold snapped. " _Not the time!_ "

Wanda snorted. "D.A.'s got such a raging boner for the Satos."

"Yeah, calm your Sato Boner down, D.A.," Keesha said.

"They have ties to Penn!"

At the same time the other seven said, "Sato Boner."

D.A. huffed. "You guys are asses...except for Phoebe."

"But she said 'Sato Boner,' too!" Carlos argued.

D.A. gestured towards Phoebe. "Yeah, but look at that li'l round freckled face and those big green eyes and tell me you could ever be mad at her."

Carlos sighed. "Okay, yeah, you're right. Phoebe could burn my house down, and I wouldn't be mad."

Phoebe winked at him. "Good to know."

Arnold moved to kiss her cheek. "But she's too nice to ever do something like that on purpose. This is why we love her."

"Yeah," Keesha said. "And the only person she has been unable to charm is related to the guy who's dick has been in her."

" _Shut up!_ " Arnold, Phoebe, and Ralphie all said at the same time.

"There will be no discussing of Arnold's dick being anywhere near Phoebe!" Ralphie said.

"In fact, there will be no discussions of my dick, period," Arnold added.

Phoebe couldn't help but giggle. "But it's just so nice looking and the perfect size."

Ralphie got up. "I'm out!" He walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Carlos scoffed. "Man, we bring up his bro's dick, and he has to get all huffy about it."

Phoebe looked at Arnold. "But in all seriousness, you do have a nice penis. I love it."

The others all laughed. "Never thought we'd hear Phoebe say 'penis,'" Keesha said.

Tim shook his head. "We have been discussing dicks a little too much this afternoon. From D.A.'s Sato Boner to Arnold's actual boner."

"It has been quite the boner-rific afternoon," Wanda said. "God, I just love the word 'boner.' Hey, D.A. how's that raging Sato Boner?"

D.A. huffed. "I am going to _laugh_ when one of you says 'Sato Boner' in front of Grace."

"Grace would probably say it too," Wanda said. "She's cool like that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Jean went straight to him. "Arnold, nice of you to take a break from that common whore you're dating."_ \- More Mrs. P as Lucille Bluth
> 
> _Janet smirked again. "Yeah, wasn't your father accused of embezzlement or some other shady shit? And isn't your sister shacking up with the governor's married daughter? Or are the affairs of the oh-so-great Sato family all hush-hush?"  
> ...  
> ...but despite all of that, her name completely escaped Arnold's mind. He remembered her name began with an "A," but that was it._ \- Okay, so despite me taking the name "Grace Sato" from Mass Effect 3, I had to make some kind of subtle reference to another fictional Sato family (from Legend of Korra), though Hiroshi was a terrorist and Asami's girlfriend isn't married; she's just the Avatar and daughter of the chief of the Southern Water Tribe. I might make more references to the Avatar world Satos later on.
> 
> _He shook his head. "I don't know. Part of me knows she would do something like that, but another part of me is like 'Shut up, you don't know for sure. Wouldn't be the first time you were wrong about something like that.'"_ \- If you recall, in "Goes Cellular," Arnold thought Janet turned him orange because "it's just the sort of thing she would do," but it wasn't her. He accidentally did it to himself.
> 
> _"How's-- oh, wow, your butt's really warm." ... "Don't be mad. It's nice."_ \- From Brooklyn Nine-Nine


	12. The "Ralphie, You Dumbass" Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The peanut butter mystery is solved. Time to celebrate D.A.'s birthday.

Phoebe was feeling more lethargic than usual the next morning. She was still woozy, and her muscles felt sore, but overall, she was feeling better. Even her busted lip was feeling better. After washing the sleep from her eyes and brushing her teeth, she went to the kitchen. Telling by how quiet the house was and the fact only the breakfast nook light was on, she figured her father and Ralphie were both still asleep and that Suzette had left earlier for work. Her ears perked when she heard a car pull into the driveway, and she saw the headlights through the side kitchen door's window. She recognized the sound of that engine, and she smiled when Arnold eventually walked in.

"Good, you're up," he said. He was carrying a McDonald's bag, and he set it on the island counter.

"You're up early." She wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him in for a kiss. "What would you have done if we were all still asleep?"

He grinned. "Used the key under the mat to come in and sit at the foot of Ralphie's bed to scare the shit out of him when he woke up."

She laughed. "Oh, I love you."

He gently ran his hands up and down her back. "How're you feeling?"

"Somewhat better. Still woozy, but I'm feeling better enough to go to school." She noticed the brief look of concern on his face. "What?"

He shrugged. "You think that's a good idea? I mean, it could have been Janet..."

She nodded and let go of him. "I know, I know, but the more I thought about it, well...I remembered when you were orange, and your first thought was that Janet did it."

He sighed. "Right, yeah, but it was my own dumbass self that did it."

She nodded again. "I'm thinking it may have been my own dumbass self that used peanut butter."

He shook his head. "But how? I mean, you're always so careful."

"I don't know, but I do know I feel bad for automatically jumping to the conclusion that Janet did it. I mean, she's a heartless asshole-- no offense--"

"None taken."

"--but she's not _that_ heartless, right?"

Arnold kissed the top of her head. "You're too good for all of us, Phoebe Terese."

She snorted a bit as she laughed. " _Right_ , sure. Whatever you say, love."

They both laughed, and after they calmed a bit, he pushed the McDonald's bag towards her. "Pancakes and hash browns, courtesy of your oh-so-loving and adorable boyfriend. Extra syrup packets and no butter, just as you like it."

She closed her eyes and turned towards him to give him a hug. "Oh, I love you so, so much. What did I do to deserve such a wonderful and amazing and--"

"And whipped wuss of a boyfriend."

They both turned when they heard Ralphie come in, and Phoebe shot him a look. "God, you're such an ass."

He went to the fruit bowl on the island and plucked a couple of grapes off. "At least I have one, unlike your flat-ass self." He ignored her eye-roll and nodded to Arnold. "Where's my breakfast, man? Do I have to date you, too, for you to get me breakfast?"

Phoebe rolled her eyes again and pointed to the pantry. "There's Cap'n Crunch and Fruity Pebbles and whatever other sugar cereals in there. Have at them."

He pointed at her as he walked to the pantry. "Just 'cause you got sick yesterday doesn't mean I find you to be any less of an annoying butthole."

Arnold knew better than to get in the middle of a Ternelli fight/argument/name-calling session, so he kept quiet and watched. Phoebe's nostrils flared, and she huffed. "I hate you."

Ralphie smirked as he took the Fruity Pebbles out. "You love me. You're too sweet and sappy to ever hate your most favorite step-twin."

She huffed again. "Dammit, you're right." She turned her attention to Arnold as she sat on one of the island stools and took her pancakes out. "Did you eat?"

"Yep. Sausage biscuit."

Ralphie poured his cereal in a bowl and took a second bowl out, passing it to Arnold. "I know you, man. One little biscuit ain't enough, and you're eyeing these delicious Fruity Pebbles."

Arnold sighed and took the cereal from him. "Damn, you two know me too well."

Phoebe grinned. "That's why you love us."

The three ate their breakfast in silence, which they were fine with. The three of them, plus the other five, could have periods of silence without it feeling weird. After she finished eating, Phoebe got up and set to work on making her lunch. She grabbed her soy nut butter from the pantry and strawberry jam from the fridge, and she set them on the counter before getting the bread.

She took a slice of bread out, and before she grabbed her soy nut butter, Arnold's hand clasped around her wrist. "Love, you, uh, might be right in your theory of the peanut butter incident."

"What?"

He nodded to the jar. "That's peanut butter."

"It is?" She squinted. "It looks like the same jar to me."

Ralphie's eyes widened. "Holy shit! Pheebs, you can't see, can you?"

"I can see!" She pointed to the kitchen window behind him. "I can see that blue bird on the back fence just fine!"

Arnold held the jar closer to her. "Phoebe, what does the label say?"

She squinted, as she did when reading. "It says..." She squinted harder and sighed. "All right, fine! I can't see."

"How have you been able to do homework and read and shit?" Ralphie asked.

She shrugged. "Squint, like I always have. Doesn't everybody?"

Arnold shook his head. "I can read just fine, even without my glasses, but I'm near-sighted. I think you might be far-sighted."

Ralphie nodded. "Might explain those headaches you always bitch about." He chuckled. "Good lord, Phoebe, how have you gone this long without knowing?"

"Because my eyes were always fine before. I could squint and see, no problem, but I guess lately, squinting isn't helping."

"Ah," Ralphie said, "I think I understand. Your eyes are getting old, like you."

"I'm younger than you!"

Ralphie shook his head and laughed. "I can't believe it. I just can't believe it..." His demeanor suddenly changed as he tensed and snapped, "You nearly killed yourself because you're an idiot who can't see!"

" _You're_ an idiot who can't see!" she shot back.

Arnold held up his hands. "All right, look, I know better than to step in between you two, but yelling won't help or change what happened." He looked at Phoebe. "Let your dad and Dr. T know you need to see the eye doctor." He smiled. "You'll be so adorable with glasses, just like me."

Phoebe sighed and leaned her elbows on the counter as she covered her face. "Can you two please promise me--" She looked up at Ralphie first. "Swear on your signed Mookie Wilson baseball." She looked at Arnold. "Swear on your rock collection." When both nodded, she went on, "Promise you two will _not_ tell the others what happened. It's bad enough you two know of my dumbassery; I don't need the others knowing, too."

Ralphie and Arnold exchanged looks before Arnold gently rubbed her back. "We won't tell."

Ralphie sighed. "Look, the others already know what a dipshit I can be, so if they ask, _I_ was the dumbass that put the peanut butter in the wrong place."

Phoebe looked at him with wide eyes. "You'd do that for me?"

He heaved another sigh and went over to her. He wrapped one arm around her and held her tight. "We're Ternellis; we may want to kill each other ninety-five percent of the time, but we're still family." He let go and ruffled her hair. "If I were you, by the way, I'd milk this thing and skip school today."

She shook her head. "I can't. It's bad enough I missed yesterday. I'm going to back upstairs and get ready."

Arnold nodded. "I'll make your lunch and make sure it's the right kind of nut butter."

Ralphie snorted. "' _Nut butter._ '"

* * *

"Well, _I_ think they're adorable," Carlos said, putting his arm around Phoebe's shoulders briefly before eating his burger.

Phoebe scrunched her nose and pushed her new glasses back up. "I hate them." She put her hand on Arnold's arm. "Not on you. I think you look so handsome with your glasses. I hate mine on me."

The gang sat at a large booth at Paunch Burger that Friday evening. On one side sat Arnold, Phoebe, and Carlos, the other Keesha, Ralphie, and Dorothy Ann, and Tim and Wanda sat on chairs at the end of the table. It was four days after the Peanut Butter Incident (or the "Ralphie, You Dumbass" Incident, as Keesha and Carlos decided to call it). Thanks to Suzette personally knowing a couple of eye doctors, one got Phoebe in the next day as a favor, and she got her new glasses that Friday morning.

"You look just as cute as you always did," Arnold said.

Ralphie snorted. "Phoebe, dude, you picked the biggest, most dork looking glasses you could have. You look like a nerd from an eighties movie."

She threw her arms up. "They were the only ones that fit somewhat comfortably!"

Ralphie snorted again. "Yeah, the other ones were too tight 'cause of your big head." He yelped when Keesha and D.A. both smacked him.

Arnold kissed her temple. "Hey, now, I like your big head."

She turned and kissed his cheek. "Thank you." She sighed. "The main issue is my dumb, crooked nose. These kind of hurt. I'm getting contacts. I can't get used to these stupid things. Even these ones are uncomfortable."

Both Arnold and Carlos moved to put their arms around her shoulders, but Arnold shot him a look when their arms bumped. "Excuse you, sir, but just what the shit do you think you're doing?"

Carlos shot him a look back. "Excuse _you_ , sir, but I'm trying to hug my friend. Can't a guy get a cuddle from his friend?"

"Not when her boyfriend is sitting right here!" Arnold snapped.

Keesha rolled her eyes. "If you two bozos are done fighting over who's going to grope Phoebe, we have a pressing matter to discuss."

"Which is?" D.A. asked.

Keesha laughed. "Uh, your birthday, dingus. It's coming up, which means party."

D.A. shook her head. "Uh, no it sure as hell doesn't mean party."

Wanda threw her arms up. "'Birthday' always means 'party'! Don't your parents have that place in Cape Cod? We could party there!"

D.A. held up her hands. "No, no, _no._ We are _not_ going to have a party at my parents' beach house."

Keesha grinned at the others. "We're going to party at D.A.'s parents' house in Cape Cod."

" _No_."

Phoebe clapped and smiled. "Oh, but D.A., it would be such a nice distraction from...well, everything."

Ralphie snorted. "You did have quite the shitty week."

"I would have figured literally getting dicked by Arnold would have made up for all of that," Keesha said, laughing.

Ralphie sat up straight and held up a finger. "No! _No!_ New rule: We don't speak about... _that_. Ever."

Phoebe smirked at him. "You're just jealous that _I'm_ having sex and no girl will ever give you the time of day."

Arnold laughed. "I hate to say it, man, but I agree."

"I get girls!" Ralphie snapped. "I've dated and made out with plenty of girls! I've stuck my tongue down your cousin's throat, man!"

Arnold's eyes widened. "You... _what?_ "

Ralphie suddenly froze when he realized what he had said. "Oh...shit. You didn't-- you didn't know about that. Right. Yeah. Um, well, it was freshman year, and-- okay, remember how we all went to Harry Arm's sixteenth birthday party? Yeah, Janet was looking _disgustingly_ hot-- I mean just absolutely nauseatingly hot, and next thing I knew, we were making out on Harry's bed."

Tim looked at him. "She's good, isn't she?"

Ralphie gave him the most serious look he could as he said, "She's like a fucking master. Still the best kiss I ever had, and it _sickens_ me."

"I feel you, bro."

Arnold held up his hands. "Hang on! Hang on! Okay, did anyone else violate my cousin?"

Carlos held up his hand. "I made out with her the summer before sophomore year, and she let me touch her boobs."

Arnold was red with anger. " _What?_ What is wrong with you all?"

Ralphie shrugged. "Not our fault she's like stupidly hot now." Carlos and Tim nodded in agreement.

Phoebe put her hand on Arnold's thigh and said, "You're still the hotter Perlstein."

He briefly smiled at her before turning to look at Ralphie with anger. "I can't believe you'd do something like that and not tell me!"

Ralphie threw a fry at him. "Oh, no! No, no, no...you do _not_ get to be mad about us making out with your cousin when _you_ are violating my step-sister!"

Arnold threw the fry right back at him. "That's different, and you know it!"

Wanda, D.A., and Keesha exchanged looks with one another before D.A. shook her head. "You are all so gross."

Wanda put her hand on Tim's back, giving him a gentle rub. "It was bad enough that our Timmy-boy got sucked into sucking Janet, but you two?" She took her hand off Tim and made a gagging sound. "You three are tainted."

D.A. heaved a sigh, desperate for a change of subject. "So...party in Cape Cod?"

Ralphie held up his glass of Coke. "Party in Cape Cod!"

The others joined in, raising their glasses. "Party in Cape Cod!"

One of the football players sitting in the booth behind them sat up and turned around. "What's this about a party?"

Ralphie shook his head. "Nothing, man."

"Oh, come on, Tennelli! We're football bros! I'd tell you about any party I hear about!"

Ralphie looked at D.A., his face asking for permission. She sighed, rolled her eyes, and nodded. Ralphie looked back at the guy. "Yeah, man. Dorothy Ann's family beach house in Cape Cod."

The guy patted Ralphie hard on the shoulder. "Great! Give me the details later, and I'll let everyone know!"

D.A. leaned her face in her hands. " _Shit_."

Everyone's focus turned to Arnold and Carlos when both flinched, and they noticed Phoebe's hands were under the table. She was pushing Carlos and Arnold's legs away from her. "Could the two of you _please_ stop 'man-spreading'?" she asked, letting go of Carlos. "Your knees are stabbing into mine."

Ralphie snapped his fingers at her. "Hey! Right hand where I can see it!"

Arnold smirked, putting his hand on Phoebe's, which was still on his thigh. "No, don't. You're doing amazing, Phoebe. That feels _good_."

Ralphie clenched his jaw. "God, you are such an ass."

Phoebe leaned close to Arnold and whispered, " _Should I make it look like I'm...doing stuff to you just to mess with him?_ "

He nodded and whispered back. " _You are such a fun, dirty girl, and I love it. So, yes._ "

She let go of his thigh and started moving her hand up and down, just above his crotch. From where he was sitting, Tim could see what was going on, and he tried so hard not to laugh at the look of sheer disgust and anger on Ralphie's face.

Carlos was enjoying how they were messing with Ralphie, and he leaned over Phoebe, as if to watch. "Wow, Phoebe really knows how to work it."

Ralphie's face was a deep red, and everyone else busted out laughing. Wanda pointed at him and said, "Christ, look at him! He looks like a zit ready to pop!"

Keesha held up her hands, her eyes watering from laughing so hard. "Okay, best thing to come from Arnold and Phoebe dating?" She pointed at the still red angry Ralphie. "That."

Phoebe threw a piece of lettuce from her salad at Ralphie. "Oh, calm down. I wasn't doing anything and you know it."

He pointed hard at her. "You are slowly killing me. You are killing your step-brother."

"God, you sound like an old Catholic woman," she said. "So, you know, like our grandmothers."

"And your parents," Arnold added. "So many times I've heard Dr. T or Mark say 'You know you're killing me!' to one or both of you."

Ralphie sighed. "True."

Carlos laughed. "Your family is so super Catholic. Like, yeah, my family is, too, but God, you Ternellis take it up a notch. I mean, Dr. T has a picture of the pope on the wall!"

"With a portrait of Jon Bon Jovi above that," Keesha said. "Don't forget that. Why don't we hang out at the Ternelli house as often as we used to? It's so fun over there."

"I love watching it when they all get red in the face and yell at each other for like ten seconds and then go back to normal," Tim said.

D.A. nodded. "It's just an interesting dynamic. It's fascinating."

"Don't forget the garage freezer full of popsicles and ice cream sandwiches," Wanda said. "And garage fridge full of soda."

Ralphie and Phoebe glanced at one another before Ralphie sighed and asked, "You guys want to go hang out at the house after this?"

"Can we watch a movie in the upstairs den and pig out on all the good snacks you guys always have?" Carlos asked.

Phoebe patted his shoulder. "Of course. It'll be just like junior high."

"Only you won't be all bashful and nervous because _Arnold_ is there," Keesha said. "You know, 'cause you're banging him now." She put her hand on Ralphie's mouth. "Shut up, Ralphie."

* * *

The eight caravanned back to the Ternelli house, much to the surprise of Suzette and Mark when they noticed six more teenagers walking in the side kitchen door behind Ralphie and Phoebe. The others didn't hesitate to raid the pantry and fridge.

"So is this going to be the hangout house again?" Suzette asked.

Ralphie nodded. "Seems that way."

Mark sighed. "Just clean up any messes you all make."

Phoebe smiled. "We will, Daddy."

Carlos pushed past Ralphie and Phoebe towards Suzette. "Hey, Dr. T, are there more sodas in the garage fridge?"

She nodded. "All flavors and colors, as always."

Carlos turned back to the others. "Hey, guys! More drinks in the garage!"

He went out to the garage, Tim, Wanda, and D.A. following, and once there, Carlos opened the fridge, the four looking in awe at the sodas and beer filling the entire thing. Carlos tried reaching for a beer, but D.A. smacked his hand.

"Ow!"

She shot him a look. "You don't think Dr. T will come out here and count the beers?"

Tim nodded. "She's got a point, man."

Carlos heaved a sigh. "Ugh, fine!"

Wanda pushed D.A. aside a bit to open the freezer. "Move. I want ice cream."

She got her ice cream sandwich and went back inside. The other three grabbed a few Cokes, Sprites, root beers, cream sodas, and ginger ales, and they carried them back inside. Seeing as the kitchen was empty, they went upstairs to find the others arguing over what they were going to watch. Tim set the drinks he was holding down, and he held up his hands as he walked closer to them.

"Why don't we just watch a gang classic?" he asked. " _The Goonies_?"

The others were quick to agree, and after Ralphie popped the DVD in, they all settled on the couch, love seat, or floor, snacks and drinks in hand. Wanda, Phoebe, Carlos, and Arnold sat on the floor, Arnold sitting between Phoebe's legs and laying back against her as she sat against the couch. Keesha stretched out on the love seat, which was perpendicular to the couch and TV, and D.A. rested her head on the couch arm rest as her legs rested across Ralphie and Tim's laps, well mostly Ralphie's, since he was so wide.

Carlos looked at Arnold resting against Phoebe and snorted. "Dude, letting your girlfriend be the big spoon? Really?"

Arnold raised his brows. "Dude, have you ever been cuddled and held from behind by a girl? It's _amazing_."

Wanda motioned for Carlos to come closer. "C'mere, Poodle, try laying against me."

Carlos seemed hesitant, but he moved so he sat between Wanda's legs and laid back against her. "Oh...oh, shit. This _is_ nice."

Tim and Ralphie both looked between Keesha and D.A., to which both said, "No."

Phoebe was sitting against the end of the couch where D.A.'s head was, and D.A. reached up to gently scratch Phoebe's head. "Phoebe, all I ask, as you and Arnold are _right there_ in front of me...if you two decide to get frisky, go to your room, please."

Ralphie shrugged. "Or, you know, you two can keep it in your pants."

Phoebe couldn't help but gently rub Arnold's chest and press her face in his hair. "I will agree to D.A.'s thing but not Ralphie's."

She kissed Arnold's temple as he gave her legs a squeeze and said, "Same."

Phoebe kept kissing his face, and he turned to kiss her lips. They looked at one another before they both jumped to their feet and ran to her room. Keesha laughed. "Wow, movie's barely started, and they're already going at it."

Ralphie turned the volume up, considering the couch sat against the wall the den and Phoebe's room shared. He moved D.A.'s legs off of him and went to sit on the floor close to the loveseat, as from from Phoebe's room as he could. "Shut up. Everyone, just shut up."

* * *

The following week went by without any incidents. The only thing that really happened was Phoebe getting rid of the glasses and getting contacts, so the gang focused on Dorothy Ann's birthday party in Cape Cod, which would be happening that Saturday night. The beach house was huge and had a private beach. D.A.'s parents rented it out different times of the year, mostly in the summer, but for her birthday, they gave the okay for D.A. to take her friends. They just didn't know _how many_ friends. Most everyone they knew across different cliques and groups would be coming, even Janet, who wasn't one to turn down a party.

Wanda and Ralphie were going to use the fake IDs they had for Canada, which said they were eighteen, which was more believable than twenty-one. They took her car up to Canada and left earlier than the others who later caravanned in D.A.'s Golf and Ralphie's Jeep (driven by Phoebe) to Cape Cod. The house was a popular vacation rental for the fact it had a private beach, but it was also very nice inside. Four bedrooms, though the fourth bedroom was actually a loft with multiple beds. Ralphie, Tim, Carlos, and Wanda called that room for themselves. Keesha happily took one of the rooms with a queen-size bed for herself, Arnold and Phoebe got one of the other rooms with a queen bed, and D.A. got the big bedroom with a king-size bed.

While Ralphie and Wanda brought the kegs, cases of beer, and liquor, the others brought "party food" and cakes. As was (a fairly new) tradition, Arnold brought a couple of boxes of gourmet cupcakes from a cupcake bakery in Old Walker Vale. There were twenty-four cupcakes in total, and they were big and various flavors. Six "Birthday Surprise!" (white cake with pink frosting and sprinkles), six chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and chocolate chips, six strawberry shortcake, three red velvet, and three key lime flavor. Phoebe and Keesha brought the big cake they bought together, and it was chocolate. The frosting was purple, and in white frosting were the words "HAPPY 17TH, D.A.!" Yellow frosting roses dotted the top and sides.

"Beer and cake, we're set for the weekend!" Carlos said.

Phoebe pursed her lips. "You're going to eat real food. I don't need to nurse you again." She picked up the grocery bags left by the door and took them to the kitchen. "I made Ralphie go with me to Stop and Shop to get some _actual_ food, like some fruit, veggies, oatmeal, syrup, and stuff to make pancakes."

Arnold gave her a kiss on the cheek. "That's my girl, always thinking ahead."

Keesha chuckled and elbowed Ralphie. "He's so going to raw your sister later."

Ralphie raised his finger and clenched his jaw. "Keesh, you know I love you, and you're one of my best friends, but I will literally, _literally_ throw you in the ocean if you say that to me again."

Wanda clapped and then held up her hands. "All right, change of subject: D.A., listen, you just might end up throwing the party of the _year_. Out-do those Eagleton fucks. So let's make sure this rager will be _legendary_."

D.A. sighed. "I don't know. I mean, I just hope not everyone shows up."

Phoebe smiled. "It'll be all right. And if anyone makes a mess, we'll help clean up." She shot a look at Carlos, who had groaned. "And _we will help clean up_ ," she repeated in a firmer tone.

Carlos groaned again. " _Fine_."

She smiled when she looked at D.A. "How about we party-proof the house? Like block the stairs so no one can go up and, uh, you know... _use_ the bedrooms?"

Keesha laughed. "Aside from you and Arnold, of course."

Ralphie tensed. "Keesha!"

Phoebe rolled her eyes. "Let's just get to party-proofing and decorating, okay?" She smiled at Arnold. "Help me with the streamers?"

He nodded. "Absolutely."

She looked at the others. "You all decide who'll take care of music and setting out the snacks and blocking off certain parts of the house. D.A., have a drink and relax. You're the birthday girl."

No one argued and set out to do what they could to set up. Phoebe got the step ladder from the garage, and while she was on it, putting the streamers up, Arnold held the tape and rest of the streamers, handing them up to her when she needed them. He smiled when he noticed her shirt ride up as she reached up to hang the streamers. A line of freckled skin peeked out, and he couldn't help but gently grasp her hips and kiss that skin.

She smiled and giggled when she felt his lips on her lower back. "Arnold! Stop! I don't want to fall!"

"I got you." He kissed her exposed skin again, and he lifted her shirt a bit to kiss her two lower back dimples. "It's just so hard not to kiss my girlfriend when she's just so cute."

" _Gross!_ " Ralphie yelled across the room.

"Can you two go like at least one minute without trying to bang?" Carlos asked with a laugh.

Phoebe's eyes widened, and she turned and looked down towards Arnold. "Let's get this done fast so we can go upstairs."

Arnold's face lit up. "Evening, pre-party quickie? All right!"

She snorted. "Well, I mean, it wouldn't be _quick_...it never is."

Ralphie groaned. "There are still other people here!"

Phoebe and Arnold quickly put the streamers up. They finished fast, and without a word, he pulled her down, slinging her over his shoulder. As he ran to the stairs, Phoebe said, "Sorry, D.A., I'll be back in a bit!"

D.A. sighed as she took a sip of her drink. "I was expecting that, honestly."

Carlos shrugged as he helped Keesha set up the snacks and drinks. "Who could blame them? If I had a girlfriend who I was having sex with, I'd be banging her now."

Keesha laughed. "Yeah, but those two are like two rabbits who just got out of prison."

Ralphie groaned. "For the love of all that's holy, can we _not?_ "

"So your step-sister's getting rawed by your best bro right now," Carlos said. "Get over it, man."

* * *

It was a good thing the house was big. A lot of people showed up, but the weather was nice enough that a lot could hang out on the beach instead of cramming in the house. A big bonfire was set up on the beach, and two of the kegs the others brought were also out there.

Ralphie took a drink of his beer as he, Dorothy Ann, and Tim looked at the party from the kitchen. "Look, D.A., I know that you hate raging parties, but stick with us, and I promise you, you will love it."

D.A. sighed. "Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?"

Ralphie laughed and snapped his fingers. "'Kind, sober and fully dressed.' Good news, everyone! We found the name of D.A.'s sex tape!"

He and Tim high fived, but D.A. punched him in the stomach. "Don't be such a butthead." She raised her brows when he laughed. "What?"

 "I just can't believe you would call me a butthead," Ralphie said with a grin. D.A. rolled her eyes. "Shut up." Ralphie shook his head. "That's so harsh."

Across from them, in the living room, Arnold and Phoebe were cuddling on the couch, despite the loud music and drunk teenagers dancing around them. They both had drinks in hand, Arnold beer and Phoebe the unspiked fruit punch.

"You're sure you're okay with me drinking?" he asked.

She nodded and rested her head on his shoulder. "We're staying here, and it's a party. I want you to have fun. On that note, you don't have to sit here with me all night, you know. I want you to also have fun with your other friends."

He kissed the top of her head. "I know, but I _want_ to sit here with you. You're my best friend, after all."

She moved so she could look up at him, and she smiled. "Aren't you just so sweet."

He kissed her on the lips. "And you're just so cute."

They kissed again, and she smiled as she said, "I know you're only with me because I put out."

He couldn't help but laugh. "Yeah, maybe, but you're only with me because I put out, too."

They both laughed and kissed one more time, and she pulled back. "Go."

He shook his head. "What?"

She nodded towards some of the members of the swim team who were standing near the patio doors. " _Go_. I want you to hang out with your other friends. I'll be all right. I have our friends and the soccer team."

He shook his head. "I don't know. Cooper Smith is here, and I can't stand that guy. He hates that I'm a faster swimmer than him, and he's such a _dick_. I don't know why he came."

She put her hand on his chest. "Don't let him get to you. I mean, Janet's here, and I'm not _too_ worried."

Arnold couldn't help but chuckle. "I think she's a little scared of you."

"Maybe, but I still feel like she's going to do _something_ to me. I just don't know what yet."

"Don't worry. You have me, the rest of the gang, and your teammates to back you up if she tries anything."

She smiled and kissed his cheek. "Thanks. Now," she gently patted his chest, "I want you to go spend time with your other friends. Forget Cooper Smith. Go have fun with the guys you do like." She grinned and bit her lip before she added, "Besides, we have the rest of the night to _be together_."

He smiled and kissed her again. "You are such a sweet, yet dirty, girl, Miss Terese. I love that about you. I'll find you later, then?"

"Absolutely."

She watched him as he got up and walked over to his teammates. Of course part of her wanted him at her side all night; she always wanted him at her side, but she knew he needed the socializing. It would have been rude if she kept him all to herself all night. She decided to get up and go find the snacks in the kitchen. All of the "real" food, they stored (and locked) in the garage fridge (and also the cupcakes, which were for D.A. and the gang only), so all they had in the kitchen was the "party" food. Doritos and more punch sounded good.

Just as Phoebe entered the kitchen, she felt a large hand on her head, and she knew who it was right away. She rolled her eyes and turned towards Ralphie. "I'm shocked you're not shotgunning beers with your idiot friends."

He was leaning against the counter with Tim, and he shrugged as he reached back and took a pretzel. He popped it in his mouth and, mid-chew, said, "Later. Night's too young."

Tim popped Ralphie on the chest with the back of his hand. "Well, I'm gonna go check out the beach bonfire. See you Ternellis later."

Ralphie and Phoebe both said bye as he walked off, and Phoebe took his spot against the counter. Ralphie nudged her with his elbow. "Where's your boy?"

Phoebe smirked. "Don't you mean _our_ boy?"

"Fine... _our_ boy."

She took a drink of her punch. "He's with his swim team buddies. I had to tell him to go hang out with them. I felt he should hang out with other people, and I didn't want to look like _that_ kind of girlfriend."

He laughed. "You mean the clingy, insecure girlfriend who _has_ to have her boyfriend with her all day, every day?"

She looked down and nodded. "Yeah, that one."

He gave her a hard pat on the back. "Worry not, dingus, you're not that kind of girl. If you were, you know I'd give you shit for it. Well, more shit than I usually give."

She looked past Ralphie and the counter separating the kitchen and living room, and she could see Arnold with his swim team friends. He was laughing with them, his face all lit up, and she smiled. "He's so cute when he smiles. I like seeing him happy."

Before she could look away, Arnold happened to catch her eye. He smiled bigger and winked at her before saying something to one of his friends. Ralphie saw all of that, and he chuckled. "God, you two are so disgusting."

Phoebe pursed her lips and huffed a bit. "Well, Ralphie, when you find a girl that can actually stand being around you for more than five minutes, I'll be sure to give _you_ shit for it."

"Hey!" he snapped. "Girls like me!"

She smirked. "Your mother and I don't count since we both have to love you."

He pointed hard at her. "You are a mean little stick woman, you know that?"

She patted his shoulder. "But you love me."

He grumbled something as he took a drink of his beer. His ears perked when he heard a phone ring. "That you?"

She nodded as she took her phone out. She stepped away from him, and he could see she was talking to someone. The call was quick, and she walked back over to him. "So..." She cleared her throat and pocketed her phone. "So I kind of...did something."

Ralphie's brows rose. "What did you do?"

She held up her hands. "I _may_ have invited Ricky Thomson and his friends." Before Ralphie could yell at her. "As a truce and apology! He's a really nice guy, and I think we all should try to be friends. This Walkerville versus Eagleton thing is stupid."

Ralphie pointed at her and said in a low voice, "You're an idiot."

"Ralphie!"

He shook his head. "You're too nice for your own good, Phoebe. This will blow up in your face like that volcanic tube did in third grade."

She cocked a brow. "Oh, you mean like the tubes that blew up all over you?"

At the same time, they said, " _Phrasing_."

"Anyway," Phoebe said, "they'll be here in a few, so we have some time to prepare our friends."

He shook his head. "Nope. This is on you, dum-dum. _You_ are going to have to prepare them."

She huffed as she shoved past him. "You are such an _ass_."

"At least I have an ass!" he yelled back at her. He looked into his cup of beer before taking a drink. Under his breath, he mumbled, " _You're_ the ass."

* * *

"You're an idiot," Keesha said.

D.A. nodded. "Yeah, I love you, Phoebe, but you are indeed an idiot."

The three girls were standing on the beach a little away from the bonfire. Phoebe sighed. "I'm trying to do something good here."

Keesha took a deep breath and reached out to gently grasp Phoebe's shoulder. "Listen, you know we all love you and your adorable little good-hearted antics, but you know they always fail, right? You are such a good person that you're actually terrible at doing big and good things."

"Name one--"

"S.A.D.S.," both D.A. and Keesha said at the same time.

Phoebe pursed her lips. "Yeah? Well, name another."

"Beanstalk," they said together, again.

"Name something that didn't happen in third grade!"

D.A. and Keesha looked at one another, and Keesha nodded. D.A. looked at Phoebe and said, "Sixth grade...your 'Protect the Giant Grizzled-Neck Cackling Pigeon' fundraiser. It might be the town bird, but no one likes them."

Keesha snapped her fingers. "Seventh grade. You tried to get the school to serve healthier food, and somehow that led to the school kitchen catching on fire."

"Eighth grade," D.A. said. "You tried to raise money for said burned-out kitchen, and someone stole the money."

"Ninth grade--"

Phoebe held up her hands. "Okay, okay! Fine, I'll--" Her phone rang, and she stepped away to answer it. When she finished, she went back to the girls. "Okay, so uhm, they're here."

D.A. and Keesha looked at one another, both knowing what they needed to do, and they broke into a run. They had to stop Ricky and his friends before they walked in the house and got jumped. Phoebe ran after them, but she was stopped as she ran past the wrestling team. A strong arm wrapped around her waist, and the cologne told her it was Carlos.

He kept his arm around her. "Pheebo, settle something for me and my bros here."

"Can this wait, Carlos? There's something I kind of have to take care of."

His expression softened. "You all right?"

"Yeah...I kind of invited Ricky Thomson and his friends, and they just got here."

She yelped when Carlos ran towards the house, as he still had his arm around her and pulled her with him. He half-carried her through the house, and they reached the front yard where D.A., Keesha, Ralphie, and Wanda were all standing. Across from them was Ricky, just Ricky. Carlos let go of Phoebe when she pulled hard enough away from him, and she went up to Ricky.

"Hey, thanks for coming!" She wrung her hands nervously. "Uhm, this is going to be probably a bit asshole-ish of me, but in the interest of your and your friends' safety, I think it would be a bad idea if you guys went inside."

Ricky laughed. "Oh, no worries. I just stopped by to say hey to you. Anna Beth's family has a house actually just up the road from here, and we're having an Eagleton party, mainly so Peggy and I can hang with our old friends."

"There's an Eagleton party going on right now?" Ralphie asked. "How _convenient_."

Ricky ignored him and smiled at Phoebe. "So, I'll see you Monday?"

She nodded, a wave of relief washing over her. "Yeah."

He waved and walked back to his car. Phoebe turned on her heel to face the others. "So...crisis averted!"

"Yeah, but you heard him," Carlos said.

Wanda's eyes widened. "There's an Eagleton party down the road."

Carlos smiled. "Prank War!"

" _No!_ " D.A. snapped. "It's my birthday, so no Prank Wars with Eagleton, okay? Let's just go inside and enjoy our own party."

Wanda pouted. "But we have such a prime opportunity!"

"No," D.A. said. "I'm putting my foot down. Nothing is going to happen tonight."

"'Nothing is going to happen tonight,' title of D.A.'s sex tape!" Ralphie and Carlos said at the same time, high fiving one another.

Both yelped in pain when D.A. slapped them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Keesha laughed. "Yeah, but those two are like two rabbits who just got out of prison."_ \- From That 70s Show
> 
> _"Look, D.A., I know that you hate raging parties..." ... "'Kind, sober and fully dressed.' Good news, everyone! We found the name of D.A.'s sex tape!"_ \- From Brooklyn Nine-Nine
> 
> _"Don't be such a butthead." She raised her brows when he laughed. "What?" ... Ralphie shook his head. "That's so harsh."_ \- Also Brooklyn Nine-Nine
> 
> _At the same time, they said, "Phrasing."_ \- From Archer
> 
> _"...your 'Protect the Giant Grizzled-Neck Cackling Pigeon' fundraiser. It might be the town bird, but no one likes them."_ \- From Parks and Recreation
> 
> _"'Nothing is going to happen tonight,' title of D.A.'s sex tape!" Ralphie and Carlos said at the same time, high fiving one another._ \- More Brooklyn Nine-Nine
> 
> More party antics to come in chapter 13.


	13. Li'l Miss Prissy Pissy Pants Birthday Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shenanigans go down at the party, and an old crush hits one of the gang.

Dorothy Ann and Keesha went out to the bonfire once they felt the others weren't going to go prank the Eagleton kids. A lot of people were out on the beach and near the bonfire, and D.A. was sure most of those on the beach were skinny dipping, despite the cool breezes.

"Okay, admit it," Keesha said, "this has been a good party so far."

D.A. sighed and took a drink of her cup of ginger ale. "Night's still young." She looked up and noticed Carlos and Ralphie talking to some girls. "Who are they talking to?"

Keesha looked and shrugged. "I don't know. Cheerleaders? Pom squad? They all kind of start looking alike after a while. Why?"

D.A. looked down into her drink. "No-- no reason."

Keesha started laughing when noticed the look on D.A.'s face. "Oh, shit! Don't tell me you're jealous!"

"I am _not_ jealous!" D.A. snapped.

Keesha was smiling big. "Okay, so which one do you want?"

"I don't want either one!"

"Oh, you so do!" She suddenly gasped. "Do you want _both?_ You can't decide which one you want? Because you're attracted to dopey athletes?"

"I am _not!_ " D.A. snapped again. "I don't date _jocks_. If I _had_ to date any of the guys in our gang, it'd be Tim, but..."

Keesha nodded. "Janet."

"Janet."

They both shuddered at the thought of anyone being with Janet. After a while, Keesha asked, "So we both agree Tim's the hottest guy in our group, right?"

D.A. nodded. "Yes."

"Except for the whole he-banged-Janet thing."

"Yes."

Keesha smiled. "So who do you consider second hottest? Ralphie or Carlos?"

D.A. huffed, her face turning red. "Neither!"

Keesha held up her hands. "All right, if I were to say who was second, I have to give it to Carlos. He doesn't wear that cheap cologne Ralphie sometimes bathes in."

D.A. shrugged. "Carlos is really handsome and does have a cute smile, but Ralphie has that cute messy hair and beefy arms that-- _Dammit, Keesha!_ "

Keesha snapped her fingers. "I knew it! I knew you wanted them! Admit you have a thing for sometimes-dumb jocks who have hearts of gold."

D.A. sighed. "Okay, _fine_ , I admit I _might_ feel something for one of them...or both of them. I don't know. This is something I've been thinking off and on for a while now, and it's suddenly back to 'on.' But why _them?_ " She gestured to where Ralphie and Carlos were now shotgunning beers with their jock friends while the girls they were talking to cheered. "Why do I have some kind of feelings for one of _them?_ "

Keesha patted her shoulder. "Okay, look, yes both can be idiots and sometimes very sleazy, but we know them quite well. They are good guys who also happen to look good without shirts on."

D.A. shook her head. "I'm not going to act on these feelings. They're fleeting and shallow feelings, and I'd rather not lose the boys as my friends."

Keesha shrugged. "It worked for Phoebe. Granted, she was crazy for Arnold since the third grade, but still."

"That's a completely different situation," D.A. said. "Arnold isn't like Carlos and Ralphie; he didn't serial date and flirt with any girl who talked to him. He's a one-girl kind of guy, and I feel like Ralphie and Carlos aren't quite there."

"And you want what Phoebe and Arnold have," Keesha said, finishing D.A.'s train of thought.

D.A. nodded. "I mean, who doesn't? While I don't feel the _need_ to have a significant other, like I _have_ to have a boyfriend, to have what Phoebe has wouldn't be too bad, you know? It's not like I _need_ someone to feel 'complete.' That's utter bullshit, but to have a nice romantic partner? I mean, it wouldn't be _too_ bad."

Keesha sighed. "Yeah, I have to admit that does sound nice, but at the same time, I would _not_ want to date Arnold. I can't date anyone who's _that_ pretty and works on their hair longer than I work on my own."

D.A. nodded. "Agreed."

* * *

Arnold was enjoying his time with his teammates. It wasn't often they all got to hang out together outside of a meet. He was having such a good time that Cooper Smith wasn't bothering him. Then again, Cooper wasn't being annoying like he usually was, and Arnold figured it was the beer.

One of his teammates, Blake, tapped Arnold on the shoulder. "I think Jamie Heidrich is checking you out."

"The cheerleader?" another teammate, Parker, asked.

"Holy shit, she totally is checking out Perlstein," Cooper said. "Don't know why she would when I'm standing right here."

Arnold scoffed and took a drink of his beer. "Well, she can stop because nothing will happen. I'm happily taken."

Blake rolled his eyes. "Oh, _please_ , man. If a hot girl is checking you out, and said hot girl is one of the more popular girls, you go for it!"

Arnold furrowed his brow. "Except when you have a girlfriend you love a lot, like I do. Just drop it, man."

He flinched when he felt a hand slide down his back and rest just above his ass. Jamie Heidrich smiled up at him, her blue eyes just _so, so bright_. "Hi, Arnold."

He cleared his throat and moved away from her. "Hey, Jamie."

"You look so hot tonight. I love this sweater, and your hair looks amazing."

He forced himself to smile as he looked at her. He wouldn't deny she was gorgeous; she absolutely was, but even if he were single, she wasn't his type. "I'm going to stop you right there, Jamie. I have a girlfriend, so..."

She shrugged, and he could smell the beer on her breath. "That mousy tall girl? So what? She wouldn't mind if I broke you in a bit, would she? I mean, she doesn't look like the type who would put out, and I will do _anything_ with you she wouldn't."

He stepped back from her. "Okay, A: My sex life isn't anyone's business but mine and Phoebe's, B: On that note, my sex life is actually quite active, thank you, and C: I love Phoebe. She is my girlfriend, and I have no plans on dumping her."

"Dude!" Blake shook his head. "You're having sex and didn't tell us?"

Arnold glanced at him. "It's not anyone else's business. But if you must know, yes."

Cooper snorted as he laughed. "I can't believe it. Dude, your girlfriend looks like the type who is saving her first kiss for marriage."

He nodded to Jamie and his teammates. "Okay, well, I'm going to excuse myself before I let this beer control my emotions. I'll see you all later. Oh, and Jamie, Parker here is single."

Parker's face lit up and he mouthed, _Thanks, man!_

Arnold walked away before Jamie could respond, and Cooper watched him go. "Perlstein thinks he's just so _perfect_."

Blake noticed his grin, and he rolled his eyes. "What awful thing are you going to do to him?"

Cooper saw Phoebe walk in the kitchen after Arnold, and his grin widened. "I don't know yet, but it'll involve his weird little girlfriend. Maybe not tonight but soon."

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Arnold refreshed his drink, and he felt a hand on his back. As he turned around, he said, "Jamie, I said-- Oh!" It was Phoebe, and her eyes were wide. "Phoebe, hey."

"Did I just see you reject a very gorgeous girl who is so gorgeous I have no problem saying that she's gorgeous? For _me?_ "

He nodded. "Of course I did."

She cupped his face in her hands. "You are an idiot and sure do have some great self-control because if she had been flirting with me? Sorry, I would have dropped you like..." She snapped her fingers. " _That_."

He laughed when she smiled, and he wrapped his arms around her. "You know, Miss Terese, you have developed quite the confidence and sense of humor. I love it."

"Well, I managed to avert a crisis with Eagleton kids, so I'm feeling pretty good right now." When his brows raised, she told him what had happened. "And now I'm kind of lowkey watching Wanda to makes sure she and Carlos don't start a Prank War."

He nodded. "Well, hopefully, the rest of the night goes all right, and we all stay here and they stay there."

"Hopefully."

He sighed. "But knowing our friends..."

She nodded and moved around him to get to the punch bowl on the counter. "They'll do something dumb, and you and I will mostly likely go along with them." She got a cup, filling it with punch, and she took a drink when finished. "As good as this is, I'm kind of tempted to get an alcoholic drink."

Arnold gently rubbed her back. "Well, if you do, just be careful, okay? You're not really a drinker, so I know you have a low tolerance."

She nodded. "I will. But if I do happen to get drunk at some point, at least I'll have you around to make sure I don't make _too_ much of an ass of myself."

He smiled. "Of course."

"Can we still have sex, though?"

He raised his brows, surprised at her blunt question. "Well, I suppose, if neither of us is too drunk. I don't want to have sex with you if you're too far gone."

She kissed him and smiled. "So noble and honorable, just like a Stark."

They kissed again but pulled apart when they heard something outside. They were standing near the kitchen window that looked out to the front, and they could see headlights. Ralphie and Tim came running up to them.

"I think those Eagleton shits are outside," Tim said.

Phoebe shut her eyes and pressed her forehead against Arnold's shoulder. " _Crap_."

"I'll get Carlos and the rest of the girls," Ralphie said.

Phoebe nodded. "We'll go out front and try to stop whatever's going on."

Tim led the way as Arnold took Phoebe's hand, and the three stepped outside. Phoebe let go of Arnold's hand and held both of hers up. There were two cars in the large dirt driveway, and Phoebe recognized Ricky's friends but no Ricky.

"So...hey, guys," she said, holding up her hands. "How's it going?"

She didn't know who yelled it, but one of the girls yelled out, " _Now!_ "

Suddenly, Phoebe was pelted with water balloons and splashed with buckets of what she hoped was only water. She was soaked from head to toe. It all happened so fast that when Tim and Arnold realized what was going on, the cars quickly peeled out of the driveway backwards. Phoebe stood there stunned, unable to move for a second.

She felt Arnold's hand on her shoulder, and she said, "Honestly, I knew something would happen to me; I just thought it'd be from Janet, not the Eagleton kids."

* * *

Arnold squeezed out Phoebe's wet clothes in the sink as she stood in the hot shower and scrubbed her skin with a lot of soap. She thought it a good idea to shower due to the water smelling weird, making it quite likely it was tainted with something gross. She already washed her hair three times and conditioned it. When he finished squeezing out her clothes, Arnold tapped on the glass shower wall to get her attention.

"I'll get you some dry clothes and underwear. I left you two towels on the toilet lid."

She smiled and opened the door to stick her head out. "Thanks, love."

He grinned. "So, uh, want some company in there?"

She rolled her eyes. "If you get in here, we'll never get out."

He moved his eyes down her body and pouted a bit. "Can I watch the show for a bit, then?"

She laughed and gently shoved him back. "Go get me some clothes, my pervy nerd boy."

He chuckled. "Oh, _I'm_ pervy? You're saying that if I was in there and you out here, you wouldn't watch me?"

She winked. "I absolutely would watch you. I never said I wasn't pervy." She closed the door. "Now, go get my clothes, please."

Arnold smiled and stepped out of the bathroom, and he picked up her bag, putting it on the bed so he could dig around for her clothes. He pulled out another pair of jeans, a dark gray t-shirt, and a blue baseball jacket that had tan colored sleeves. He laid out her clothes, along with a pair of socks and panties, and he sat down on the bed to wait for her. He heard the shower turn off just before the bedroom door opened, Carlos and Wanda running in.

Carlos shut the door behind them. "Okay, Pheebo _has_ to be on board with getting revenge now, right?"

Before Arnold could answer, Phoebe stepped out of the bathroom with her towel wrapped around her and another wrapped on her head, and she jumped and yelped in shock when she saw Carlos and Wanda. "Please tell me there isn't anyone else in here."

Just then, the door opened again, this time, Keesha, Tim, and Ralphie running in. All three noticed Phoebe was just in a towel, and as Ralphie grimaced and Keesha darted her eyes away, Tim couldn't help but noticed how the freckled skin of her bare shoulders had a nice rosy tint. He quickly looked away before his brain could imagine what was under that towel.

Ralphie shut his eyes and sighed. "For God's sake, Phoebe, put some pants on."

"I was going to, but everyone has decided to barge in my and Arnold's room!" she snapped.

"Forget that for a second!" Wanda said. "We now have an excuse to prank Eagleton that won't make Li'l Miss Prissy Pissy Pants Birthday Girl get all, well, pissy." She spotted Phoebe's jacket on the bed. "Holy _shit_." She picked it up. "This is the cutest jacket I have ever seen, and I am keeping it."

Keesha snorted. "You really want to keep one of Phoebe's jackets? Which, by the way, will _not_ fit you."

"It so will!" Wanda said.

Phoebe held tight to her towel with one hand as she reached out with the other. "Please don't put on my jacket. I just got it, and I really, really like it."

Wanda blew a raspberry and threw the jacket on the bed. " _Fine_."

Carlos laughed. "Wanda must be drunk. She actually listened to Phoebe." He clapped his hands. "Okay! Back to the prank. They struck first, so it is _on_."

Ralphie rubbed his chin. "We need to do something so epic they'll think twice before attacking us again." He snapped his fingers. "Wanda, do you still have that stash of stuff you stole from William?"

Her eyes lit up. "Yes! In the back of the Rover!"

"What's in the stash?" he asked.

She tapped her chin as she thought about it. "A slingshot or two. Boxes of stink bombs. Bunch of fireworks. Maybe a paintball gun or three and some paintballs. A pair of binoculars or three."

The seven flinched when they suddenly heard squealing tires outside. They all went to the window and saw two cars doing donuts, one on the yard and one on the big driveway. The seven turned when they heard the door open, and they were shocked to see D.A.

She was red in the face and huffing. "They damaged my parents' property. Oh, it is _on._ "

* * *

Keesha and Carlos were selected to sneak over to the Eagleton party house, as they were the most stealthy. Carlos wore his "tactle-neck" again, making Keesha sigh and roll her eyes. Wanda drove them, being the getaway driver, and she parked in the driveway of the empty lake house two doors down, making sure to be completely out of sight of the Eagleton party. Carlos had a box of stink bombs in hand, and Keesha walked ahead of him. They stopped at the property line, hiding behind the bushes.

She pointed to the air conditioner unit. "There. I figured these shitheads would be rich enough to put central air in their lake house, just like D.A.'s parents."

"And there's no one around it, _and_ I can hear that it's on."

She nodded. "House packed with bodies? The A/C absolutely would be on." She took hold of his arm. "You remember the code word I'll yell out if anyone comes close?"

"A-woo-hoo," he said. "Just like the _DuckTales_ theme."

She patted his shoulder. "All right, go make that house smell like shit."

He smiled. "Happily."

Carlos kept low as he snuck over to the A/C unit, and he kneeled down beside it, using it as cover as well. He opened the box before slipping on a pair of thick work gloves and the respirator they found in the garage. He picked up the vials and broke off the tops of them, letting the liquid pour into the unit. He kept the vials and picked up the box, opting to throw them away in the unoccupied house's lawn. He ran back to Keesha and threw the box and vials towards the dark backyard, and the two sprinted back to Wanda's Range Rover. Once they were in, she peeled out, going back to D.A.'s. Fortunately there were no one else on the road, as she kept her lights off so the Eagleton kids couldn't see them.

Back at the house, Ralphie and D.A. were up on the widow's walk on the top of the house, both with binoculars, and they watched as Wanda hauled ass down the road back to the party. It didn't look like anyone saw them, and both felt relief once the Range Rover was parked where it had been and Wanda, Carlos, and Keesha were back in the house.

Ralphie laughed as he watched the Eagleton house, and he munched on some chips. He held the binoculars with one hand as he held the bag of chips out to D.A. with the other. "Want some?"

She lowered the binoculars and looked at the bag before shaking her head. "No, thanks. I'm good."

Ralphie nodded and put the bag down without lowering his binoculars. "Sorry about the driveway and yard. I kinda feel like it's my fault."

She raised her brows. "How so?"

"Even though it was Wanda's idea to throw a party, it was my football bro who passed it around, making this a rager."

"Yeah, but it wasn't our friends who made this mess. It was those dickheads down the street."

Ralphie laughed and lowered his binoculars. "Wow, did Dorothy Ann just use the term 'dickhead'?"

She furrowed her brows. "I can be fun and cool!"

He laughed again and brought his binoculars back up. "I'm kidding." He suddenly jumped to his feet, binoculars still on his face. "Holy shit! Look!"

She stood up and looked through her binoculars. She smiled and gasped when she saw the Eagleton kids running out of their beach house, some coughing, most covering their noses and mouths with their hands or shirts.

" _What's going on?_ " Tim asked over the walkie-talkie.

Ralphie picked it up and held it with one hand while still looking through the binoculars. "They're all running out. Maybe they'll leave. I mean...there's _no way_ we could have done anything, _right?_ "

Tim laughed. " _Give us updates_."

"Got it."

The door that led back into the loft bedroom opened, and Carlos, no longer wearing his tactle-neck but a t-shirt, came out. "Back downstairs, Birthday Girl. Enjoy your party. I'll keep watch with broseph here."

D.A. felt her cheeks flush, and she managed to smile. "Thanks. That's sweet of you."

Ralphie kept looking through the binoculars as he said. "Hey, I offered you chips! I'm sweet, too!"

She got up and patted both on the shoulder. _Their hard, muscular shoulders that-- stop it, D.A.!_ "You're both sweet." With that, she went back in. She made her way downstairs, and she was stopped in the living room by Phoebe.

"So what happened?" she asked.

D.A. grinned. "Those jackholes--" She stopped when she noticed Phoebe's outfit. "Wow, this jacket is _cute!_ " She waved her hands. "Anyway, those jackholes all ran out of the house. Here's hoping they go back to their shit town."

Phoebe smiled and grabbed D.A.'s arms. "Well, come on, birthday girl, I want to do a shot, and I want my first shot to be with you!"

D.A.'s brows rose as Phoebe pulled her to the kitchen. "Whoa! _You_ want to do a shot?"

Phoebe nodded. "I feel good, and I want to see what the fuss is about."

Arnold was standing by the counter where the shot glasses were, and he smiled. "I know what you're thinking, D.A., but I'm not doing any shots. I'll watch her."

Phoebe blew a raspberry at him. "I'll be fine, love. I'm not weak." She held her hands out to the bottles of liquor in front of them. "What do you want? Anything at all."

D.A. looked at the bottles, and she snapped her fingers. "Wait right here. I know what shot I want to do, but Wanda makes them the best."

She went to find Wanda, and once she did, all it took for Wanda to come with her was "Phoebe wants a shot." Wanda clapped her hands when she walked in the kitchen. "Finally, Phoebe joins the rest of us degenerates! I take it the Birthday Girl wants Starry Nights?"

D.A. nodded. "You got it."

Wanda took two shot glasses, and she grabbed the bottles of Jagermeister and Goldschlager. She started to pour the shots. "Half of this, half of that, do it again, and ett vo-la!" She handed Phoebe and D.A. the shots. "Drink up, nerds."

"It's going to burn," D.A. warned.

Phoebe nodded and took a deep breath. "Okay. On three?"

D.A. nodded, and Wanda shouted, " _Three!_ "

Both downed the shots, and just as the burning cinnamon of the Goldschlager hit the back of her throat, Phoebe was ready to spit it out. Wanda slammed her hand against Phoebe's mouth, making her swallow the shot, and Phoebe's eyes watered as she did.

Wanda removed her hand once she knew Phoebe swallowed the shot, and Phoebe took a deep breath. "Wow! That was painful but delicious! My nose and throat are burning, but I taste and smell cinnamon, so that's a plus." She turned to Arnold. "Go mingle with your friends. I'll be all right."

Arnold gently grasped her arms. "Are you sure?"

She giggled. "Go!"

He kissed her cheek and walked out. Once he was gone, Wanda grinned. "You want another, don't you?"

Phoebe nodded. "Hit me."

Wanda looked at D.A. "I think I'm gonna like drunk-Phoebe."

"Ease her into it," D.A. said. "Oh, and I'll also take another Starry Night."

"Four Starry Nights coming up!" Wanda said. "One for you and one for Phoebe and two for me."

The shot glasses were filled, and the girls each took one, except Wanda who held two. They raised their glasses and downed their shots at the same time, Wanda doing both.

"Hey, what the hell!" The girls turned to see Keesha walk over to them. "You are doing shots... _without me?_ "

Wanda pointed at her. "Starry Night?"

Keesha made finger guns at her. "You bet, you crazy bitch."

"And me!" Phoebe said.

D.A. nodded. "Ah, what the hell...me too. It's my birthday after all."

The shot glasses were filled and the girls held up the glasses. "To getting the two nerds drunk as hell," Keesha said.

"Hear, hear!" Wanda said.

The girls downed their shots, and the rest of the night was a bit blurry for all four of them, especially Phoebe.

* * *

It was almost midnight, and the party was still going. When Ralphie and Carlos saw the Eagleton kids leave, they figured they wouldn't have to keep watch anymore, so they joined the rest of the party. They each got a beer, and they joined Tim and Arnold in the living room.

"So a win for us," Tim said. He held up his beer. "Cheers, mates." The four tapped their plastic cups against each other and drank.

"Anyone up for a drinking game?" Carlos asked. "I brought cards and Das Boot." Das Boot was a large boot-shaped glass they used in drinking games. Most often it would be filled with different beers, a lot of it from half-empty cans and bottles, and the loser of whatever game they played had to drink the horrible concoction.

The guys were about discuss which game to play when the music suddenly stopped. Everyone turned towards the back of the living room when they heard a mic turn on. The gang all had dropped jaws, and Ralphie mumbled, " _Oh, dear lord._ "

A very drunk Phoebe stepped up on the coffee table and slurred into the mic, "Hey, everyone...I jus'-- I jus' wanna wish my bestest friend ever a happy birthday, so happy birthday, D.A. Also," she stopped to take a drink of her beer, "I also want to let everyone know that my boyfriend," she pointed to Arnold, "Arnold Matthew Perlstein...he's so great, you guys." She sniffled a bit. "He has such a cute butt, and he never fails to give me such _amazing_ orgasms.

"Okay!" Ralphie yelled as he pushed through the crowd. "Phoebe's had enough to drink!"

She seemed to not have noticed Ralphie. "Arnold, babe, I love you and your big wonderful dick."

His face was red as he nodded. "Yeah, love, I think it's time you put the mic down."

"Yeah, but--"

Ralphie took the mic and her beer from her, setting both down before he wrapped his arm around her legs and draped her over his shoulder. He picked up the mic. "Hey, everyone, sorry for my drunk, dumbass sister."

"Tell us more about Perlstein's dick!" someone yelled out.

"Nope," Ralphie said into the mic. He put it down, and Keesha went to restart the music.

Ralphie carried Phoebe outside, Arnold in tow, and he set her down, keeping one hand on her arm to keep her steady. She started crying when she saw Arnold, and she pulled away from Ralphie to wrap her arms around Arnold.

"I love you so much!" she cried.

He held her tight and looked at Ralphie with a sigh. He then turned to kiss her temple. "I love you, too." He rubbed her back. "So maybe no more alcohol tonight?"

She kept her arms around him as she pulled back to look at him. "Let's have sex right now. Take me here and now on this patch of grass."

"Gross," Ralphie mumbled.

Arnold moved his hands to her hips. "Phoebe, you're drunk. We're not going to have sex."

"Oral sex, then?" she asked.

"No. No sex at all."

"Oh, but why? I--"

She suddenly paused and pulled away from him just as she projectile vomited. Fortunately she was quick enough to pull away as not to puke on Arnold. She bent over and puked some more as Arnold rubbed her back.

"I'll get her a water bottle," Ralphie said, sighing.

Arnold nodded and continued to rub her back. "Thanks, man." He looked at Phoebe. "That's why we're not having sex tonight, love. You're drunk and puking."

After retching some more before her stomach was finally empty, she spit and used the tissue Arnold handed her to wipe her mouth. Ralphie came back with a bottle of water, handing it to. She swished and spit the water out before taking a huge gulp.

"Everything is spinning," she moaned.

"Yeah, that's what happens when you drink too much, dumbass," Ralphie said. He heaved a sigh. "I'm going to make you some coffee. I think you need it."

Arnold wrapped his arm around her. "C'mon, let's go sit on the porch swing and wait for Ralphie."

She nodded. Sitting down sounded great. They made it to the porch, and they sat down on the swing. Phoebe rested her head on Arnold's shoulder and sighed. "I'm such an idiot."

Arnold kissed the top of her head and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "You are not an idiot. You just had a bit too much to drink while celebrating your best friend's birthday. It happens."

Phoebe groaned and shut her eyes. "I don't feel too good."

Ralphie came back with a bottle of Starbucks Frappuccino, and he handed it to her. "The closest thing we have to coffee. Drink and then have a Gatorade later. It'll help the inevitable hangover you're going to have, dingus."

Phoebe furrowed her brow. "Thanks, jackhole."

Ralphie rolled his eyes and went back in the house. Phoebe downed the Frappuccino, and she set the empty bottle down. She groaned again. "Take me upstairs?" she asked.

"Absolutely."

Arnold got up, and he helped her get to her feet. He wrapped his arm around her waist and helped her walk inside. Tim came running up to them just then. "Hey, man, so I think Janet's trying to ensnare me again. Could you tell her 'no' for me, since you're like the only one she'll even remotely listen to?"

Arnold sighed. "Can it wait? I'm going to take Phoebe upstairs."

Phoebe patted his cheek. "Tim can help me. You go deal with Janet."

He raised his brows. "Really? Are you absolutely sure?"

She smiled and nodded. "I'll see you in a bit, and if I'm awake still..." She leaned close and whispered, "I want you to _destroy_ me."

He couldn't help but laugh. "We'll see." He let go of her, and Tim took hold her arm to keep her steady. Arnold kissed her cheek. "I'll be up in a few, okay?"

"No rush," she said. "Enjoy the party."

He smiled. "I'd rather be with you." He kissed her. "In a few."

Phoebe watched him walk off, and Tim gently pulled her towards the stairs. "Come on, drunky." He brought one of her arms around his neck, holding her hand, and his other arm wrapped around her waist. "Wow, you are _shockingly_ heavy."

She snorted as she laughed. "It's how I'm able to hold my own against the Hulk. Oh, and I'm not drunk...well, _as_ drunk. Still tipsy." She heaved a sigh and looked at him as he helped her up the stairs. "You need a nice girl, Tim. Not Janet. Janet isn't a nice girl. You need a nice girl who will treat you..."

He grinned. "Nicely?"

She nodded. "Yeah, that. There are a lot of girls who like you. At least that's what Keesha, Wanda, and D.A. have said. Date one of those other girls. Not Janet. She's terrible."

Tim managed to get her to her and Arnold's room, and he opened the door. "Yeah, you got the nice Perlstein. Though, Arnold's a lucky dude. He has the nicest girl."

She chuckled as he helped her sit on the bed. "I'm so lucky to have him." Tears welled up in her eyes, and she stood up and pulled him in for a tight hug. "I just love Arnold so much!" She started to sob. "He's just so perfect and sweet and amazing, and I'm such a dork!"

Tim felt beyond awkward having her hold him this tight, but he would have been lying if he said he didn't enjoy the feel of her body against his. Still, it was awkward. He gently patted her back. "You're not a dork. A little odd, yes, but who isn't?"

"And he's so handsome, Tim. Have you seen him naked? He's like a work of art! And I'm just a scrawny mess!"

Tim really didn't want to picture a naked Arnold, but for a brief moment an image of a naked Phoebe popped in his head as he remembered her in a towel from earlier. He pushed it away as quick as he could. "You're-- you're a cute girl, Phoebe. We all think so. You know how Carlos thinks you're the most adorable girl in all of New England."

She sniffled. "Then if I'm so cute, why is it no boy ever asked me out before Arnold?"

Tim sighed and gently pushed her back. "I think...I think it's because those who knew you knew you had very strong feelings for Arnold. I-- I know someone who did have a slight crush on you in junior high, but I-- he-- knew you only had eyes for Arnold."

She wiped her eyes. "I do love him so much." She then chuckled a little. "I can't imagine anyone having a crush on me in junior high. I was way more gawky and awkward then than I am now."

Remembering his slight crush on her in the eighth grade, he shook his head. "You were cute then, too. You've always been cute."

She grinned a little. "Thank you, Tim."

"I meant what I said earlier, about Arnold being a lucky dude. You're a great girl, Phoebe. Any guy would be lucky to be with you." He felt his chest clench from a wave of old feelings hitting him. He hadn't even thought of her in that way since the eighth grade, and even if he had, she was always Arnold's girl, well before Arnold even knew it. He figured it was the alcohol making him feel like this. Phoebe Terese would never look at anyone the way she looked at Arnold. "I should--"

He was cut off when Arnold walked in the room, bottle of Gatorade in hand. "I'm here."

Phoebe's face lit up, and she stumbled a bit as she met him halfway. She wrapped her arms around him. "I love you, Arnold. I want you to know that."

He smiled. "I can tell you're still a little tipsy, but I know you mean it." He kissed the tip of her nose. "I love you, too, Phoebe."

She kissed him on the lips and said, "I am tipsy, but I'm not wasted." Phoebe kept her eyes on Arnold as she motioned to Tim to go to the door. "Tim, thank you for helping me, but could you leave now, please, so I can have sex with my wonderful boyfriend?"

Tim didn't hesitate to walk out and shut the door. He felt his stomach twist a bit when he heard her giggle and the sound of the two falling onto the bed. _You're drunk_ , he thought to himself _. That's why you're having stupid thoughts and letting a crush you had when you were thirteen hit you again_.

It's what he wanted to believe anyway.

* * *

The sun began to rise over the Cape, and the light slowly crept through the windows of the Ewing beach house where hungover teenagers were beginning to stir and wake. Rather than sleeping up in the loft room, Wanda woke to find herself draped over Carlos and Ralphie's laps on the floor of the living room.

Wanda groaned as she moved to sit up, and she managed to get to her feet. She made her way to the kitchen where Keesha was drinking a big glass of orange juice. Like Wanda, she was still in her clothes from the night before.

"I feel sick," Wanda said. "What's happening? Do I have cancer?"

Keesha rolled her eyes. "You drank too much."

Wanda shook her head and looked confused. "That's a thing?"

Keesha rolled her eyes again, and she looked around the kitchen and living room. "Well, we sure have a mess to clean up."

Wanda poured herself some sparkling wine and orange juice. "Yeah, good luck with that."

"Oh, no, I don't think so, you little gremlin," Keesha snapped. "You're helping, too."

Arnold came down the stairs just then, looking fresh and clean with his hair done and new clothes on. "Good morning," he said, walking in the kitchen.

Keesha shook her head. "Do you seriously just roll out of bed looking like _that?_ I mean you should be hungover and miserable like the rest of us."

He shook his head and grinned as he got himself a glass of orange juice. "A Perlstein cannot look bad, but if you must know, I was up early, so I took a nice hot shower. That and doing my hair perked me up."

Keesha reached up and ran her fingers through his thick curls and waves, the orange strands soft to the touch. "Damn, you do have really nice hair. I can see why Phoebe puts up with you if she gets to do this whenever she wants."

D.A. walked in just then, wearing her pajamas. "He does have the best hair of any of us." She clapped her hands. "So who's gonna start cleaning?"

Wanda blew a raspberry. "It's your house and not your birthday anymore. You clean."

Keesha looked at D.A. and Arnold. "We all agree Wanda starts cleaning, right?"

When the other two nodded, Wanda stuck her finger at them, but begrudgingly, she went to the pantry and got the broom out. "I hate all of you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of anti-climatic, I know, re: a prank war, but the chapter was going all over the place I had to cut a lot of stuff.
> 
> I based Phoebe's new outfit on one of Chloe's outfits in Life is Strange: Before the Storm (the "Tarot Tower" outfit, if you wanna look it up)
> 
> _Wanda groaned ... "I feel sick. What's happening? Do I have cancer?" ... "That's a thing?"_ \- Taken from Archer
> 
> Also looks like I'm setting up some triangles and stuff. We shall see what comes of all of that.


	14. Primetime High School Drama Bullshit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim's crush hits him hard.

Tim wanted to believe whatever feelings he had for Phoebe were due to the alcohol, but seeing her when sober made his heart flutter. He wasn't quite sure _why_ he was feeling like this again. Sure, Phoebe was a nice and cute girl, but she wasn't his type. At least he didn't think so. Plus, there was the whole "She's head-over-heels in love with her boyfriend" thing, her boyfriend who was also one of his close friends. He didn't know who he could talk to about this. He was the "cool artist dude," the one who didn't lay out his emotions on his friends.

Carlos and Wanda were absolutely out; they were the worst when it came to giving advice or keeping secrets. Ralphie was also out, what with being Phoebe's step-brother and the person closest to her that wasn't Arnold. He knew D.A. and Keesha wouldn't blab, but he had the feeling Keesha would laugh at him. D.A. was probably his best bet...if he _had_ to talk to anyone, anyway.

Instead, he tried to push all of this out of his mind that Monday morning and got ready for school. He shaved, giving his horseshoe-shaped mustache a trim. Even though part of it had somewhat rubbed off "from friction" when he was with Janet, he decided to keep growing it. Not only did it look awesome, but it made Carlos jealous, which was always a plus. He threw on his favorite Led Zeppelin shirt and a pair of slim-fit jeans, along with his favorite pair of checkered Vans. He grabbed his backpack, and after getting some Pop-Tarts, he got in his Jetta and headed for school.

He could see some of the others at their usual spot on the grass by the parking lot, and he parked beside Ralphie's Jeep. When he got out, he heard Carlos yell, "Timmy-boy! Over here!"

Carlos was sitting with Wanda, Keesha, Ralphie, and Dorothy Ann, Arnold and Phoebe clearly absent, and Tim felt his stomach twist a bit. "Hey, guys. Still recovering from the weekend?"

Wanda scoffed. "We're not lightweights. Well, me and Carlos ain't."

Tim awkwardly cleared his throat. "So...where's Phoebe? And Arnold?"

Ralphie rolled his eyes. "They left the house at the ass crack of dawn so he could take her to some hoity-toity breakfast café in the Vale for fancy-ass waffles and shit."

D.A. sighed. "It's called Breakfast Brunch Café, and it's _really_ good."

Tim tried not to show any kind of emotion as he said, "She doesn't seem like the type to like fancy shit."

"She isn't," Ralphie said. "Unless it's _Arnold_ taking her out."

Keesha smirked at Tim. "What's it matter to you, Tim? You like _in love_ with Phoebe or something?"

He was quick to scoff. "What? _No_."

Wanda laughed. "Remember in eighth grade when he was like crazy for her?"

Carlos nodded. "But he had no chance in hell because everyone knew she was _obsessed_ with Arnold?"

Keesha laughed, too. "Well, everyone except Arnold."

Carlos snapped his fingers and pointed to the Porsche driving in to the parking lot. "And speaking of..."

Tim wanted to walk away, but he knew that would make the others curious and start asking questions. He didn't need them doing that. Arnold parked on the other side of Ralphie's Jeep, and he got out, going around to open the passenger door for Phoebe. Tim watched her get out, a big smile on her face as she looked at Arnold and then kissed him. He hated that he thought she was beyond adorable that morning. He hated that these feelings he buried in the eighth grade were coming back now. He hated that these feelings were coming back during the one time Phoebe wasn't single.

Arnold took Phoebe's hand, and after he set the alarm to his car, the two walked over to the gang. "Morning!" Phoebe said.

Keesha rubbed her temples. "How and why are you always so chipper in the morning?"

Arnold smiled at Phoebe and said, "I love it when you're chipper in the morning. Puts me a better mood."

Ralphie, Carlos, and Wanda all yelled out " _Boo!_ " and threw balled up paper and pencils at them. D.A. rolled her eyes and decided to change the subject a bit. She looked at Phoebe. "How was breakfast?"

Phoebe's eyes widened, her green eyes almost sparkling to Tim. "Oh, it was so _delicious_. I had this _giant_ Belgian waffle with strawberries and blueberry syrup. Their vegetarian 'sausage' and 'bacon' was also so, so good."

"Why not just go to J.J.'s Diner?" Tim asked, the words slipping out. "Not good enough for you, Perlstein?" He forced himself to laugh to make it look like he was kidding.

Arnold gave him a sarcastic smile. "I wanted to treat my special lady to a good breakfast, not stomach cramps."

Phoebe smiled at him and gently patted his stomach. "I wouldn't have minded J.J.'s though, my fancy nerd boy."

Arnold wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her close to kiss her cheek. "Nope. Only the best for my Lady Tully."

She giggled, which made Tim's heart flutter. He really hated how much he loved the sound of her laugh. "Arnold, you know I don't care about fancy things."

Arnold took both her hands in his and nodded. "Yes, but you see, Miss Terese, you are a very good person, a wonderful and amazing person, and you deserve all the best in the world because you are so very, very good. Therefore, I am going to use the money my wealthy grandparents give me to treat you like the wonderful, amazing queen that you are."

Carlos started laughing. "Don't get me wrong, because I agree Pheebolino deserves all the good in the world, but my God, man, you are a _sap!_ "

Phoebe smiled and leaned close to Arnold. "I love it when you're sappy, but please don't spend so much money on me."

Arnold shook his head. "You know I can't promise that. I love to treat my special lady."

Keesha held up her hands. "Just so you two remember, you're not alone, so please don't start jamming tongues down throats."

Ralphie groaned and got up. "I'm going inside before I puke."

Tim nodded. "I'll go with you."

D.A. also got up. "Me too. I'm getting a little chilly anyway."

The three headed inside, and before Tim could go to his locker, D.A. took hold of his arm. "Tim, a moment, please?" When Ralphie stopped, she added, "A private moment, please."

Ralphie winked. "You two want to be alone. I got it."

Tim and D.A. both rolled their eyes, and Ralphie laughed as he walked off. Tim turned towards D.A. "What's going on?"

He didn't like the sneaky grin her lips formed. "I think you, Mr. Reynolds, have a crush on a certain tall, freckled somebody."

He scoffed. "Me? Crush? You're kidding, right? We're not in junior high anymore. Come on, now. Like, that wouldn't even make any sense! Me? Having a crush? You're crazy." Finally he sighed. "What gave me away?"

D.A. grinned. "That look on your face when you saw Phoebe. How you were trying to both stare and not stare at her. The slight animosity in your voice when speaking to Arnold. So how long has your crush been back?"

Tim sighed and leaned against the wall. "Since the party. I helped her upstairs when she was drunk, and I don't know...just being around her stirred up old feelings. But..."

D.A. nodded and crossed her arms. "But she's happily dating the boy she's been in love with since we were eight that's also your friend."

He looked down. "Yeah. I don't expect her to dump him for me or anything like that. I know she doesn't feel like that towards me. It's clear how happy and in love she is. Him, too, but it's just hard, feeling this stupid crush and seeing her all the time." He held his hands up as he looked at her. "And for the love of all that's holy, do _not_ speak of any of this to anyone."

She held her hand up. "I swear I won't. You know you can trust me."

"I do know that, but still. The last thing I need is for this to get back to either of them."

"Got it."

"Thanks."

They said their "see you later"s and headed for their classes. The day went by like any other for Tim, until lunch when his crush hit him hard as he watched Phoebe laugh and talk with the others. Watching how she and Arnold would whisper to one another and answer one another with just looks or how they would casually and gently touch one another, such as Arnold brushing a strand of her hair back as she talked to D.A., made him suddenly feel very jealous of Arnold. Even more so when he saw them gently take one another's hand on the table and squeeze each other's fingers while they each had separate conversations with the others. It was almost as if they were having their own wordless conversation. He wanted that kind of connection, that kind of romantic relationship, and the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to be the one sitting where Arnold was, Phoebe running her finger along _his_ palm and occasionally bringing _his_ hand up to her lips for a small kiss. He wanted Phoebe. He wanted to be with Phoebe.

During his drawing class, he found himself doodling her hands and eyes from his memory. He dared not draw her entire face, knowing how easy it was for someone to look at his drawing pad. She didn't have small, smooth, dainty hands, but they weren't rough either. They were a little on the larger side, but her fingers were slender, her nails short (most likely from her biting them). He had been able to tell her knuckles were red and dry, perhaps cracking, and he found it adorable that her freckles even extended to her fingers. As for her her eyes...there was no way he could recreate her eye color, that beautiful vibrant green that seemed to illuminate when she was happy or excited. A sudden image of her smiling while sweaty and under him on a bed popped in his mind, but he quickly pushed it away before he himself got excited.

Tim had U.S. History after Art, and he was dreading it. He had Ralphie and Phoebe in that class with him. His steps felt heavy as he made his way to the west wing, and he felt his stomach twist when he saw Arnold talking to Phoebe outside the classroom. They laughed about something, and Arnold kissed her hand. When the two-minute warning bell rang, he gave her a short, but deep, kiss before going to his class. Phoebe smiled at him as he walked away, not noticing anyone or anything around her. Tim walked into the classroom right after her, and he took his seat, which was between Ralphie and Phoebe.

He flinched a bit when he felt someone tap him, and he turned to see Phoebe smiling at him. "Did I scare you?"

"What?" He chuckled. "Nah. Not scared. Need something?"

"Did you do the worksheet packet? I wanted to check my answers on some of them, but Ralphie's being an ass and won't let me see his, which tells me he didn't do it yet."

Ralphie leaned forward and loudly whispered across Tim to her, "You're an ass!"

Tim got his packet out from his binder, and he handed it to her. "Here you go. At least my handwriting is nicer than Ralphie's."

She giggled. "True." He smiled, loving that he got her to make that sound. She looked at the packets, comparing the answers, and she handed him his back. "Thanks. We have all the same answers."

He didn't know why he winked, but he did. "Not a problem."

As class went on, Tim was only half paying attention to the lecture. He would occasionally glance at Phoebe, noticing how she'd scrunch her nose when taking notes, scribbling fast with her left hand. He took some notes, but he ended up doodling her in his notebook. He drew a couple of rough sketches of her taking notes, but it was clear that it was her.

After class, Ralphie pulled Tim aside before he walked out. "You know it's never gonna happen, right?"

Tim shook his head. "What're you talking about, man?"

They walked out of the classroom together and out into the hall. "You and Phoebe. It's not gonna happen. At least not any time soon."

Tim tried hard to continue looking confused. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Ralphie smirked. "Dude, I saw you drawing her in your notes. You haven't done that since junior high. I'm sorry to say this, bro, but Phoebe isn't dumping Arnold anytime soon. Forget whatever this thing is you have for my step-sister and just move on."

He shrugged. "I still don't know what you're talking about."

Ralphie nodded. "All right, fine, be miserable. Don't say I didn't warn you."

Deep down, Tim knew he was right, but at the same time, a part of him refused to believe that.

* * *

Days passed, and Tim's crush wasn't going away. He tried to remember how he got over her the last time, but then he remembered that was when whatever feelings he had for Janet started around then, too. He really didn't need to go back to Janet again. He tried to think of other girls he knew that maybe he could bring himself to like, and while a lot of them were quite pretty, none of them were Phoebe. None were as sweet or thoughtful or caring as her.

He sighed as he pulled out his phone. He called D.A.'s cell and waited for her to answer. She did after a couple of rings. "Hey, Tim."

"Hey, are you busy? I mean, I know you do your homework Friday night, but I figured you'd be done by now."

He could swear she was smiling. Something in her tone made him think so when she said, "Oh, you want to talk about your crush?"

He heaved a sigh. "Yeah, kinda."

"Tell you what, since my homework is done, and I am hungry, I'll treat you to a burger, fries, and milkshake. Meet me at Paunch Burger in a few?"

"Sure."

"All right, see you then."

They hung up, and Tim freshened up a bit before putting on his shoes and grabbing his keys and wallet. He told his parents where he was going, and he went out to his Jetta. He recognized D.A.'s Golf in the parking lot, and he parked beside it. When he got out, his stomach twisted when he recognized a certain Porsche not far away. He went in the restaurant and found D.A. at one of the two-people tables.

"So I didn't know they'd be here," she said when he sat down.

He looked across the restaurant to see Arnold and Phoebe having their date night. "Yeah, no, it's fine. Small town."

"I already ordered for us, since I know what you like, if that's all right," she said.

He rubbed his face. "No, it's fine. I'm not picky." He sighed and rested his head on his hands. "D.A., what do I do? How do I get over this stupid crush?"

"How did you get over it the last time?"

He laughed. "I got hit with feelings for Janet."

She winced. "Yeah, I figure you don't want to do that again."

"God, no."

They both flinched when they heard the announcement over the speakers, "Order for D.A. is ready!"

She patted his arm. "I'll get it. Save the table?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

She walked off, and Tim's eyes began to wander back to where Arnold and Phoebe sat. It was obvious their relationship wasn't one-sided. He could see the expression on Arnold's face as he looked at Phoebe; he was just as much in love with her as she was with him. _How could he not be?_ Tim thought to himself. _She's an amazing girl. I hope he knows what a lucky bastard he is_. He continued to watch as the two talked and laughed, and his chest clenched. They were happy.

They weren't faking it, either. They weren't like those couples that pretended to be so happy and in love they'd throw their relationship in everyone's faces to hide the fact they were miserable. The looks Arnold and Phoebe gave one another were genuine, sincere. Yeah, they could be overly affectionate, but that was just Arnold and Phoebe. Neither ever had a problem showing their emotions. Both were very touchy-feely people. He had seen Phoebe cuddle with Carlos and Arnold gently rub Keesha's back from time to time, among other physical gestures.

Tim then realized that Phoebe's eyes happened to catch his, but he didn't look away. She smiled and said something to Arnold before both waved at him to come over. D.A. was walking up just then with their trays of food.

He pointed to Arnold and Phoebe. "I think they're calling us over."

D.A. saw them and smiled back at Phoebe. "You sure you want to go over there?"

He took a deep breath. "I think I'll be all right."

He took his tray from her, and they made their way across the restaurant to Arnold and Phoebe's booth. Arnold had moved so he was sitting beside her, leaving the other side for Tim and D.A. Tim slid in first, across from Phoebe, and when D.A. sat down, Phoebe clapped.

"I didn't think anyone would be out tonight," she said. "But here you two are!"

D.A. grinned. "You don't mind us crashing date night?"

Arnold laughed and ate a fry. "It's not actually date night. More like 'Everyone's busy except us so let's have 'family-friendly' Arnold-Phoebe Time.'"

Phoebe nodded. "Ralphie and Daddy are currently in a snack war over some chocolate covered pretzels, so he stayed in to guard his stash."

Arnold laughed. "I love that's still going on."

Tim shook his head. "Wait, what? Your dad can find stuff Ralphie hid?"

"Don't underestimate my father's sense of smell and hearing," Phoebe said. "Plus, Suzette helps him." She giggled. "Ralphie even learned how to use Daddy's braille typewriter just to leave him notes when he found where Daddy hid the pretzels."

"'Checkmate. Love from your favorite child, Ralphie' was the last note he typed," Arnold said. "He found Mark's hiding place in the top cabinet, took the pretzels, and left the note."

D.A. started to laugh. "Oh, my God, I can absolutely believe Ralphie would learn braille out of spite."

Tim couldn't help but laugh, too. "Always a good time at the Ternelli house."

Arnold nodded. "I love going to the Ternelli house. Not only do I get to see my best gal, but something hilarious or interesting always happens." He kissed Phoebe's cheek. "Your family is a lot of fun." He started to laugh. "Oh, tell them about the time Suzette and your dad fooled Ralphie into thinking he could see again."

Phoebe started to laugh hard, and Tim thought she was just the cutest, especially when she snorted. "Oh, wow, I almost forgot about that!"

D.A. grinned. "Wait, what?"

Phoebe calmed a bit and said, "So like a while ago, I don't know why Daddy decided to prank Ralphie--"

" _Because it's fun and easy_ ," Arnold muttered with a smile.

Phoebe playfully hit his arm. "Anyway, we all know how predictable Ralphie can be, especially during whatever-sport-he's-playing season because he's so stupidly superstitious. Well, Suzette would tell Daddy what Ralphie's routines were and what he was wearing. So Ralphie would be in the kitchen in just his athletic shorts and running shoes to make his protein shake, and Daddy would be like, 'Son, put a gosh darn shirt on. I don't want your three chest hairs falling on the counter. It's bad enough you're trying to grow that patchy hockey beard.'"

Tim and D.A. both started to laugh. "Who would have thought your dad marrying Ralphie's mom would be the best thing ever?" Tim asked.

"Ralphie's a major pain in the ass, don't get me wrong," Phoebe said, "but he and Suzette are family, and I'm glad they are." She grinned. "More funny stories for me to tell at Ralphie's expense."

Arnold put his arm around her and kissed her cheek. "You're my favorite Ternelli."

She grinned and used her hand to squeeze his lips together. "I'd better be." She kissed him and let him go. She turned back to Tim and D.A. "Anyway, what brings you two out? I know everyone else had something else going on, or they just really wanted to stay in and sleep, such as Keesha."

Tim and D.A. exchanged a look, unsure what to say. "Uh, we..." Tim started.

Arnold's brows raised. "Were you two on a date?"

Phoebe squealed and clapped her hands. "Another couple in the gang!"

"No!" Tim and D.A. both said, louder than they intended.

Phoebe's excitement was gone, and she pouted. "Oh, but you two would be so cute together."

Tim awkwardly laughed. "Yeah, I think D.A. and I have our sights set elsewhere."

Phoebe squealed again. "Ooh, you two have crushes? Do tell! Do tell!"

Arnold smiled and gave her thigh a squeeze. "You do love romance."

Tim and D.A. exchanged another look, and D.A. then looked at Phoebe. "I'll tell you later, okay?"

Phoebe's brows raised. "Is it Arnold?" She put her hand on his chest. "Because we can share him. I'll take him Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday, you have him the rest of the days. We can even set up an 'Arnold Time' schedule.' Or if you don't want to share him, you can have him. Anything for my Golden Rose."

Arnold grinned. "She loves me so much, can't you tell?"

She giggled and kissed his cheek. "I'm kidding. I know D.A. doesn't like you like that."

D.A. cocked a brow. "Are you sure about that, Miss Terese?" When Phoebe looked at her with wide eyes, she laughed and held up her hands. "Kidding! Kidding. Arnold is way too preppy, nerdy, and pretty for my tastes."

"So says the other pretty, preppy nerd in the group," Tim said.

They all laughed, but they stopped when Arnold's phone rang. He picked it up off the table and sighed. "It's Mom. One moment." He answered. "Yes? ... Mom, I told you I was coming home at eleven, so I will be home at eleven. ... No, I won't. ... Because I know you're trying to make an excuse for me to leave my dinner with Phoebe! ... What does it matter? You and Dad are in Newport! ... What? No! _You hit her_ , Mom! Remember? ... Eleven. Yeah. ... Okay, love you, too." He hung up. "Sorry about that."

D.A. whistled. "Wow, can't believe you talked to _the_ Jean Perlstein in such a way."

He furrowed his brow. "I love my mom, but I'm tired of her shit, to be honest. Same with Janet. They both hate the girl I adore and love for no reason whatsoever, so yeah, no, I'm not going to put up with it."

Phoebe gave his thigh a squeeze. "Want me to stay with you tonight? I can bribe Ralphie to cover for me."

He kissed her cheek. "If you'd like. Though, I'm sure ol' Mark wouldn't like it if he found out."

Tim looked down and cleared his throat. "Man, that sucks your parents don't approve of the two of you."

Phoebe rolled her eyes. "Daddy only hates Arnold because he thinks any boy I'm dating is going to pressure me into having sex."

D.A. chuckled. "But you _are_ having sex with Arnold."

"I know that, but he didn't pressure me into it!" Phoebe said. "In fact, _I_ was the one who initiated."

Arnold nodded. "She did. It was the sexiest thing ever."

Tim tried his hardest not to look _too_ disgusted. It didn't help that a very detailed and clear image of a naked Phoebe popped in his head as she motioned for him to come closer. He shook his head to push the thought away, especially since the fully-clothed Phoebe was right across from him.

She looked at Arnold and smiled at him. "I knew I wanted you to be my first when I first learned what sex was."

He smiled. "How sweet and kind of creepy. I love that about you."

They gave each other a small peck on the lips. Tim didn't know what compelled him to blurt, "But what if you never got with Arnold? Would you have been a virgin forever?"

She shook her head. "I'd save myself for marriage. Arnold was the only boy I wanted to give myself to before then." She smiled at Arnold. "And I'm glad I did. Even if, for whatever reason, we don't stay together forever, I'm happy we shared that with each other."

He smiled back. "Me too." He started to laugh. "Oh, man, if only our third grade selves could see all of us now, huh?" He nodded to Tim. "I feel like third-grade-you would be like 'Wow, I got super cool.'"

Tim was a little surprised by that. "You think I'm super cool?"

Arnold laughed. "Oh, come on, man, you have that classic 'cool' look. Bitchin' mustache, awesome car, that rocker sense of style, your nonchalant attitude towards everything. It works for you, man. I think we all agree you're the coolest guy in the gang."

The girls nodded in agreement. Tim was a little taken aback but Arnold's words, and it made him feel a little bad that he had been fantasizing about his girlfriend. "Wow, thanks, man."

Arnold awkwardly cleared his throat as he went on, "And...and well, I know what my cousin is like, and I'm sorry she treated you the way she did. It's bad enough she treats Phoebe like shit; I didn't like what she was doing to one of my best bros."

Tim's brows raised. "We're best bros?"

Arnold laughed again. "Oh, come on, man, you, me, Ralphie, and Carlos have been best bros since elementary school. I know you and I don't hang out as much together, just us, but you know, I'd like to change that, man."

Phoebe's eyes widened a bit, and Tim swore she was about to cry. "Aww! This is so sweet! You two should have a Bros' Day Out sometime!"

Arnold nodded. "What d'you say, man? We can figure something out to do that we'd both enjoy."

Tim forced himself to smile. "Yeah, sure." He felt sudden dread at that thought. Spending the day with one of his best bros who was also (unknowingly) a romantic rival. _God, what kind of primetime high school drama bullshit is this?_

The four continued on with their meals and conversation, and after a while, Arnold wondered if he was imagining the longing looks Tim was giving Phoebe. He could swear he was staring at her and not in a "zoned out, not paying attention" way, more like a "most likely picturing her naked" way, something he himself had done many times and still did. He noticed the little smile that would quickly appear whenever Phoebe would laugh. Surely he was only imagining it. He had to be. He knew Tim had liked her for a bit in junior high, but it seemed like he moved on. Arnold wasn't the jealous type, but a small part of him felt a primal urge to declare that _he_ himself was Phoebe's and that she was his. They were each other's. He knew Phoebe wouldn't dump him out of the blue, but still, he felt a small clenching in his stomach at the thought she would if she found out about Tim's possible feelings.

 _You're being paranoid,_ he thought himself. _Phoebe loves_ you _. She gave herself to_ you. _She's squeezing_ your _thigh. Stop being a paranoid idiot, you idiot._

The hairs on the back of his neck went up a bit when he felt that familiar sensation of her breath on his ear as she whispered, "What's wrong? You look tense."

He turned to look at her, and he smiled. "I'm all right."

She grinned. "You're a terrible liar, Arnold Matthew Perlstein."

He kissed the tip of her nose. "I'll tell you later, okay?"

She nodded. "All right."

After dinner and saying bye to Tim and D.A., Arnold held Phoebe's hand tight as he led them back to his car. He opened her door for her, and when he got in on the driver's side, she was facing him.

"Talk to me, Perlstein," she said.

He chuckled a bit. "Okay, this is kind of dumb, and maybe I'm just being paranoid and a bit possessive, but I think Tim _likes_ you."

Phoebe sat back, her expression neutral, but then she started laughing hard. "Tim? Liking _me?_ It's still hardly believable that _you_ like me, let alone another boy liking me!"

Arnold held up a finger. "Okay, first of all, I like you _and_ I love you, and second of all, you know he had a thing for you in junior high, right?"

Phoebe stopped laughing. "Bullhockey. Who in their right mind would have found me in any way attractive in junior high?"

Arnold sighed. "Okay, sometimes your self-deprecation can be endearing, but not gonna lie, other times it's kind of annoying how you think you're unattractive."

She shook her head. "But I'm not attractive."

Arnold scoffed. "Holy shit, Phoebe."

She furrowed her brows. "What?"

He sighed. "What makes you think you're not gorgeous?"

She shrugged. "I don't know, lots of things, I guess. I mean, look at me compared to D.A., Keesha, and Wanda. You're really going to try and tell me I'm on the same level as them?"

He put his hand on his chest. "To me personally? You're on another level, a _higher_ level. So what if you don't wear the popular brands or wear make-up or bathe yourself in expensive perfume? You're a gorgeous girl, Phoebe, physically and emotionally. I always thought you were, even before I got romantic feelings for you. You're such a good person that your inner goodness makes your already-adorable features all the more beautiful. Your face could look like a dog's butt, and your inner goodness would still make you glow." She couldn't help but smile. He sighed and went on, "Look, you don't need me to tell you you're beautiful, and it doesn't matter what I say or think, but sometimes, I do wish you could see yourself the way I see you."

She cupped his cheek in her hand, and she looked him in the eyes as she processed what he said. It wasn't the first time Arnold called her beautiful, but it was the first time he expressed serious frustration at her over how she saw herself. She brushed her thumb along his skin, still somehow not believing that this wonderful boy she had known so long and had feelings for for so long would tell her what he did. Oh, she loved him, and she could see in his eyes that he was sincere. Then again, Arnold Perlstein was never not sincere, especially with her.

Phoebe leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. "I wish I could, too. See me as you do."

He grinned a little and nodded. "If you could see yourself like I see you, you would want to rip your clothes off and have sex with yourself, like, _all the time_."

That got her to laugh. "Wow."

He laughed, too. "I'm a lucky guy, Phoebe. Not only do I have a wonderful girl who loves me but also one who let's me see her naked."

She kissed him again. "And I'm a lucky girl to have a wonderful boy who loves me and also let's me get to see him naked."

They both laughed, and Phoebe leaned forward to press her nose and forehead against his as they continued to laugh. He moved to catch her lips with his, and before they got too carried away, Phoebe pulled back.

"You do not know how bad I want you to rip my clothes off and take me, but I think we're a little too big to do that in this car."

He sighed and nodded. "Agreed."

He recognized her mischievous grin and knew exactly what she was going to propose. "Let's go to your nice, big empty house, and you can have me anywhere you want. I'll make sure Ralphie covers for me, and I'll ask D.A., too."

He winked "Already thinking that."

She sat back and buckled up. "This is why we're good together: We're always ready to do it."

As he drove them to his house, he reached out to give her thigh a squeeze. "So d'you think in the middle of it, I could take a picture of your naked back and send it to Tim and be like 'She's mine, bro.'"

Phoebe started laughing, especially since that was such an un-Arnold thing to do. "That would be mean. Hilarious, but mean."

They both laughed. As much as he would have liked to, Arnold wouldn't do that. He wasn't _that_ petty.

* * *

Tim sat in his Jetta outside the Ternelli house, taking deep breaths to calm himself. He needed to tell Phoebe. He knew it would backfire on him, and she would probably not want to be friends with him anymore...wait, no. Phoebe wasn't like that. _Shit_ , he couldn't tell her. He couldn't put this on her. She would somehow take it personally and make herself feel bad. He knew she would.

He flinched when he heard someone knock on the window, and he turned to see Ralphie smirking at him. "You stalking my sister now, bro?"

Tim got out and walked over to him. "No, I-- well-- goddammit, bro, I can't get her out of my head!"

Ralphie couldn't help but laugh. "Dude, come with me."

Tim raised his brows and followed Ralphie inside. They went upstairs, and Ralphie led him into Phoebe's room. Tim loved the way it smelled in there and how _Phoebe_ the room was. Ralphie opened one of her dresser drawers and pulled out a journal. He tossed it to Tim.

"Read some of this."

Tim's eyes widened. "Dude, really? Her diary?"

"Her _journal_ ," Ralphie said, rolling his eyes a bit. "Just read some of it."

Tim opened the journal and flipped to a random page.

_Arnold is just so wonderful. We spent the day in Providence, had lunch on the Riverwalk, and then we went to Roger Williams Park. First we went to the zoo, which he knew I'd love, and he said he loved how excited I was. He had no problem with me dragging him to every habitat to see as many animals as we could. After that, we went to the Museum of Natural History and Planetarium. We saw a show at the Planetarium, but honestly, I don't remember much, aside from Arnold's soft lips on mine and the feel of his silky curls in my fingers. But the "main event," as he said, was yet to come. He looked so giddy as he held my hand tight and led me to one of the latest exhibits. "You'll love this," he told me. "We've already seen dinosaurs," I reminded him. He just winked and smiled. He pulled me past the bones on display to a case that had one fossil in it. My jaw dropped._

_It wasn't any fossil._

_It was an egg._

_ Our _ _egg._

_The very one Dr. Skeledon had let Arnold look at that he and I ended up losing to an_ _Ornithomimus. The plaque on the case confirmed it. "Founded during a dig in 1995, Rhode Island's own Dr. Carmina Skeledon donated this fossil to the museum."_

_The egg that started the events that led me to realize Arnold Perlstein was the boy for me, the only boy for me. I already knew he was loyal and smart and caring, but seeing his bravery in full, his determination, just how much he cared about all of us to defend us from a T-rex...I fell in love with Arnold Matthew Perlstein before I really knew what it meant to fall in love. I never thought I'd be his and he'd be mine. I always figured he only saw me as a friend, like every other boy I was friends with._

_He would go on to date other girls, have his "Will they? Won't they?" tension with Wanda during that time, and then it happened. Eight years after I started having feelings for him, he told me he felt the same about me. He took me on a date, and the more time we spent together, the more I realized just how perfect he is (well, as perfect as a person can be) and just how right it felt being together. Despite my anxiety and insecurities saying otherwise, Arnold made it clear he found me beautiful, inside and out. _

_I grew more confident because of him. I know being with him has helped me with that. And it's all because he's just...Arnold. Sweet, loving, loyal, determined, sincere Arnold. I'm still an awkward anxiety-ridden mess, but just less so than I used to be. He never makes me feel weird or ashamed of being me or anything like that, never belittles my interests or mocks the things I enjoy. If anything, he tries to learn more about the things I like. He says it's no problem, since I'll listen to him ramble on about swimming or his rock collection. I like listening to him talk about rocks, though, I tell him._

_"What d'you think?" he asks me. I pull him in for a kiss and tell him, "I think this is amazing. You're amazing." He smiled and kissed the tip of my nose. I love it when he does that. "I thought you'd like to see our egg one more time."_

_And I did. I really did_.

Tim shut the journal. "What was the point of this?"

"I don't know what entry you read," Ralphie said, crossing his arms, "but I guarantee it was about Arnold and how much she loves him and thinks he's perfect blah blah blah. If you were coming over here to tell her about your little infatuation, it's a bad idea, dude. We both know Phoebe would take it personally somehow, and she'd feel bad she couldn't return your feelings. Just...let things run their course. Maybe she and Arnold will break up, maybe not. And who knows, maybe this weird little crush of yours is just that...a crush. It'll go just as quick as it came."

Tim sighed and sat down on her bed. He pushed the thought of being under those covers with her from his head. "Dude, I don't know. Can I be real with you man? Just between us girls?"

Ralphie nodded. "Just between us girls."

Tim took a deep breath. "I'm not sure this is just a simple crush. It's not like I don't know Phoebe, y'know?"

Ralphie shook his head. "But do you really you two have enough in common for it to work, if you could date her?"

"Do she and Arnold have anything in common?"

Ralphie scoffed. "Aside from being gross, gooey, lovey-dovey nerds who are disgustingly nice?" He sighed. "Look, man, I love my step-sister, as if she were my own flesh-and-blood sister, and you're my bro, but so is Arnold. I just don't need more drama dropping into this emotional madhouse, y'know? And no matter what happens, I'll somehow be pulled in _because_ Phoebe is family and Arnold's my bro, too."

Tim hung his head. Ralphie was right. Him spilling his feelings would just cause more unnecessary drama in the gang, and no one needed or wanted that. "Yeah, you're right, bro."

"Look, man, there are plenty of girls out there, y'know? How 'bout you, me, and Carlos go cruisin' one night? Single Bro's Night Out? We can use our fakes to get into clubs in Providence if we feel bold enough, or we can just go to one of my football bro's keggers?"

Tim laughed. "Sleazy night out with you and Carlos? And we'll be listening to 'What is Love'?"

"Abso-goddamn-lutely."

Tim got up, and he and Ralphie high fived. "All right. Thanks, man."

"Anytime, bro."

They started to walk out of Phoebe's room, but Tim stopped. "Just a quick question: Why do you read your sister's journal?"

Ralphie shrugged. "We all read it. I find it hilarious, and Ma and Mark just want to make sure she isn't 'doing drugs.' I think Phoebe knows we read it because she has another journal that she locks and keeps hidden."

Tim cocked a brow. "How do you know that?"

Ralphie snorted as he laughed a bit. "Because I've found it and read it." He suddenly grimaced and shivered. "But it's the journal in which she describes their sex life in full detail, so I couldn't read it any more. Again, I think she knows I read that one, too, hence the graphic details." He shook his head. "There isn't enough brain bleach in the world to erase the memory of what I've read."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, a little Tim-Phoebe-Arnold heavy, I know.
> 
>  _"Just between us girls?" Ralphie nodded. "Just between us girls."_ \- From Letterkenny
> 
> Stay tuned for more!


End file.
